This list is in no way a reflection of these artists’ abilities to knock out some seriously killer beat-beating music. As a matter of fact, some of the people on this list have made a major impact in music history. Others… not so much. One thing they all do seem to share is the ability to pick a horrible rap name. With real names like Marshall, Calvin, Curtis, Dwayne, Cornell and Tracy, it’s no wonder they decided to change it up before they hit it big. But sometimes the names they come up with are even worse. Here’s a list of some of the worst rapper names in the game.
Photo credit: visual.dichotomy, Flickr
14 LL Cool J
Remember when you were a little kid and thought about what you wanted on your car’s license plate? It was usually something stupid like “Cool Guy” or “GR8 Dude”. This is what the name LL Cool J reminds me of. It’s short for “Ladies Love Cool James”, which is pretty much how he might tell you that women are attracted to him… if he spoke like Tarzan.
I’m still trying to decide if this is actually a rapper or if it’s the name of one of the endless superhero flicks being spewed out by Marvel. Not that it matters. Redman is a horrible name for either. However, if he wants to use it as his last name while he studies to become a rabbi, then I fully support that. Rabbi Neil Redman has a nice ring to it.
Apparently, rappers are under the assumption that nothing adds a little more edge to your persona than throwing in some unnecessary punctuation. Although it seemed to work for The Notorious B.I.G., it just doesn’t work for a name like Bob. The uppercase-lowercase-uppercase name won’t actually help you pick up girls backstage at your concert. However, if you’re planning on picking girls up in a chat room, then you’re on the right track. Just look for the person with the screen name, BoBLuVR186. That’s how you’ll know you’ve met your match.
Drake is not a rapper name. Drake is the name of a wrinkled, old, British butler somewhere in Beverly Hills. As it turns out, Drake is the rapper’s actual middle name. So, why didn’t this rapper just use his first name, you say? Because his first name is Aubrey. This is NOT a joke. It’s real names like these that are the reason that people even have to make up rap names in the first place! I guess if he wanted to use one of his real names, then he definitely made the right choice. Being an old British butler definitely beats being a junior high school girl.
Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that Eminem has been one of the biggest things to happen to music. He was smarter than Drake by deciding not to use “Marshall” as his rap name, but instead ended up going with the name of a tiny, sweet, candy-coated chocolate. I guess that’s one way to develop serious street cred… with eight year-olds.
9 Anyone named Lil’ or Young
Listen, most rap careers don’t start when someone is 45. So if you’re an up and coming rapper, we’re already aware that you’re either young and/or little. It’s completely redundant to include it in your name. You also couldn’t be any less original. If you want to use something to replace Lil’, try Insignificant. Insignificant Bow Wow might not sound as cool, but it’s actually more accurate.
8 50 Cent
Okay, let’s jump over the fact that fifty of something should be plural. Curtis Jackson stole this name from an infamous Brooklyn robber from the 1980s who was known for robbing anyone no matter how much money they had on them. Unless this 440 million dollar rapper suddenly finds himself hurting for cash, it’s time to let the name go. Might I suggest 44,000,000,000 Cent from now on?
7 Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy
Most likely, he decided it was time to change his name from “Puffy” when he realized there were probably little kids in the Midwest naming their pet chinchillas the same exact thing. There’s nothing better than changing your rap name because you know it’s horrible, only to end up with one equally as corny. Diddy isn’t a name. It’s another word for “story” when you’re singing a song about Jack and Diane. And just like that, John Cougar Mellencamp has ended up in an article about rap.
6 Dr. Dre
You know… this name isn’t so bad. If you’re able to overlook the fact that he just threw on a title that most people spend 11 hard-working years of their life to obtain. The bad thing about the name is that there’s another guy in the game with the same exact name! C’mon, fellas. Couldn’t one of you have gone with “Dre, M.D.”, “Dre, Esquire”, or “Dre OB/GYN”. There are plenty of faux professions to go around for everyone to have their own horrible rapper name.
I can only imagine the thought process on this one: “You know what would be a really swell rapper name? What are the names of those things you shove in your ear to clean out all the junk that’s in there and then quickly throw into your nearest waste receptacle? Q-Tip! Yeah. That’s it. I was thinking of going with Toilet Paper, but I don’t want people to treat me like crap… Q-Tip’s good though. I’m gonna go with Q-Tip.”
This is just another example of rapper who took a part of his actual name and ended up with an even worse stage name. It would be a good stage name if you were one of the horses in an equestrian competition, but not if you’re a human. Seriously though, this name has motivated me to become a rapper and create my own stage name. I’m gonna go with “Miley Cyrus” if it’s not already taken.
3 Snoop Doggy Dogg
I feel like Eminem and Snoop Dogg were both watching Saturday morning cartoons when they settled on their names. How else would Snoop have ended up with the name of Charlie Brown’s mischievous, but lovable little pup, followed by the unnecessary repetition of what species he is? Based on Snoop’s open admiration for smoking marijuana, I wouldn’t hold that scenario against him. This poor choice of name just has to be a result of the weed. I’m sure Snoop Doggy Dogg seemed like a really phenomenal name when you’re absolutely blitzed and elbow deep in a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
2 Ice Cube
Really?! I have no idea what he was thinking when he came up with this name as a hardcore gangsta rapper back in the day with N.W.A. (That rhymed. On purpose.). There is nothing badass about it. However, it actually ended up being a good decision based on what Ice Cube does these days. He makes cheesy, family friendly films. And honestly, show me a family that doesn’t like ice cubes. It’s impossible.
Iced tea was invented in 1904. I can only assume that Ice-T chose this name because he was born in the same year. There should be an age limit on rap names. He’s practically a senior citizen. There needs to be some sort of ceremony when a rapper reaches a certain age to retire his name. And I’m not talking the Brett Favre kind of retire. I mean retired forever. At this point in his life Ice-T should be his drink of choice, not what people call him.
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