Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at this that no one really realizes they’ve gotten old until they fall and break a hip or end up on the Oscars telecast the next year in the "In Memoriam" part of the show. And then everyone turns to their friends and says “Damn, who knew?” Who knew, indeed. Well, you will, thanks to this handy little guide we’ve put together of 15 famous folks who are older than you think.
Yes, that’s right, Elaine from Seinfeld is the same age as your mother. The good news is that now all your creepy Elaine fantasies (I know you have them you degenerate animals) will also include her cutting the crusts off your sandwiches and doing your laundry on weekends. The bad news is that after having one of these fantasies you will need either years of intense therapy or a power drill to stick in your ear if you don’t have health insurance. So, uh, have fun with that.
Yup, the Karate Kid is 50. Ralph Macchio is 50. 50. Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around that. To be fair, he looks surprisingly good for his age. I mean, given the way his career went you would figure that he would look like a methed out version of Skeletor by now or like Mickey Rourke’s ballsack. But nope, he still has that boyish face that made every dude who knew karate on multiple continents want to terrorize him. I’m just saying, sure Mr. Miyagi is dead but with today’s new hologram technology, they could totally pull off another Karate Kid flick. Yeah, it would kinda sad and embarrassing but so is Battleship and they still made that shit.
Denzel Washington seems like he’s almost ageless, doesn’t he? He’s one of those rare actors where age is just never an issue. That’s why he can get away with playing the same character over a twenty year span like he did in American Gangster without it being weird. That’s also why no one probably realizes he’s only a few short years away from getting the senior citizen discount at the movie theater or eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m sure the ravages of time will start to show up sooner or later but for now, Denzel just has one of those faces that just never seems to change, which is why I’m guessing that he’ll still play the lead role in the Nick Cannon biopic in 2045 after Nick Cannon becomes infamous for drowning Mariah Carey in a bathtub sometime in the next thirty years. You know I’m right. About all of it.
Madonna is still desperately hanging onto her image as a sex icon with her lizard-like talons and because of that everyone still thinks of her in those terms but really, the next time she tries to hump a stage in a wedding dress she’ll probably just end up breaking her hip. Perhaps the time has come to applaud her just for staying buff into her fifties instead of mocking her for her gaunt, ropey physique. I mean, after all, she could probably kick my ass and most of yours too. To be fair, she’s able to stay ahead of the game by sucking the life essence from everyone around her, kinda like the Mummy but still, goddamn, those arms are like the arms of a Terminator. I’m not sure whether this means we need Brendan Fraser or John Connor to defeat her in the end but for now, let’s just all agree to stay out of her way.
Shatner kinda has that weird Betty White thing going on where no matter how old he gets we still think of him as sort of ageless. Sure, we know he’s old but if you asked 100 people how old they think Shatner is, I’m guessing only a tiny, tiny percentage would guess that he’s actually over 80. Leonard Nimoy is easier to peg because his head and face increasingly look like a statue from Easter Island as he gets old, but Shatner? He seems like he’s perpetually in his early 60s, right? But he’s actually 81 which means we all have to start preparing for a world in which Captain Kirk boldly goes where, well, everyone eventually goes: the mortuary.
It’s not so much that Tom Cruise is 49 years old – I think people would accept that number, at least on the surface – but it’s that in only a couple of months Tom Cruise will turn 50, and well, I don’t think people are ready to live in a world in which Tom Cruise is 50. There is just something about that that feels… wrong. I think it’s because he hasn’t really seemed like he’s aged all that much since playing Maverick in Top Gun. I mean, yeah, his face is a bit more weathered but let’s give credit where credit is due – the man might actually be a vampire. He’s like some unholy combo of Lestat, Maverick and Xenu: Warrior Princess. He might never actually die. Damn, maybe we all should get the ol’ Thetans flushed out.
Julianne Moore didn’t really become famous until she was in her 30s so it shouldn’t really be a huge surprise that she has pushed past 50. But still, does she really look much different now than she did in Boogie Nights? No, which is all the more impressive when you consider that most people with her skin tone and hair color (Species: Gingerus Americanus) start to look like the old Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade after he sips out of the wrong Grail as they get older. Sure, she doesn’t exactly look young but she sure as hell doesn’t look old either. Maybe the Fountain of Youth was really in Marky Mark’s pants the whole time? Who knew?
Like with Tom Cruise the idea of Johnny Depp being 50 seems incongruous at the very least. At the most, it’s an idea which seems completely batshit nuts like the sky being made out of hot dogs or Snooki being named the new Surgeon General. There’s no way Johnny Depp can be 50, right? Well get ready because in only a few short weeks, the dude is going to hit that milestone. I suggest we all celebrate it by moving to France and banging supermodels and smoking out of ostentatious cigarette holders while we laugh and swim in a pile of money. It’s what he would want and who are we to deny his birthday wishes? Fine, I’ll do it for all of us. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.
That’s right, Maverick’s mentor is almost 80 years old now. I guess it makes sense when you consider that Top Gun was made over 25 years ago now and even in that, Skerritt was kind of an oldster. But still, you’re never really prepared for when someone you watched as a kid turns out to be knockin’ on heaven’s door, you know? Sure, sure, there’s the occasional heroin related accident or – in probably Val Kilmer’s case – the occasional ham sandwich related accident that sends them riding to Valhalla on their spirit horse but old age? Man, that just bums me out. I refuse to let any of the actors I watched as a child get any older. Goddammit, this article is starting to depress me…
That big boobed poker playing lady that you can’t stop lusting after? Yeah, she’s the same age as your mom. Think about THAT the next time you’re pawing at yourself at 2:00 AM, half-drunk, watching poker on the Travel Channel while she wins hand after hand using only the power of her magical Two-Pair. Just remember that she is probably spending the winnings on Polly-Grip and Werther’s Originals. Either that or… or… sorry, I got distracted there. Are we sure those, er I mean she, yeah… she, is 53? Really? Screw it, I’m all in.
Sam Jackson is 63 years old. Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in before we continue. The man – and Sam Jackson is most definitely The Man – is already at the age where he can start getting discounts for being an old geezer. And yet, there he is, playing Nick Fury on the big screen and sweet-talking his phone in TV commercials. It’s a testament to how badass Sam Jackson really is that when that commercial airs, the possibility at least exists that he’s thawing the icy heart of that robot vixen Siri with his talk of hot Gazpacho, right? I mean, how many 63 year-old men do you know who could pull that off? Hell, how many 63 year-old men do you know who can even operate an iPhone without having a stroke or accidentally blowing something up? And yet, there’s Samuel L. Jackson, sweet-talking Siri while making Gazpacho and no one says a goddamn thing. Now that’s a man for whom age is utterly meaningless.
Chuck Norris is such a badass that… well, actually no he’s not. He’s a 72 year-old man who probably can’t eat anything more firm than applesauce, who probably has to wear a diaper on long car rides and who fretted like an old maid until Sly Stallone agreed to soften The Expendables II until it was a Chuck Norris-approved PG-13 rated family friendly film. What a hard ass! No, but really, it’s kind of amazing that people still think that Chuck Norris could break anything other than his own hip after skipping out on his calcium supplements. You may think he’s a badass, but the dude is old as dirt.
When people think of Sigourney Weaver they think of her as the badass warrior chick who put the beat-down on those freaky aliens. What they don’t think about is a lady who in less than a decade will probably be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, her liver-spotted hands knitting a quilt for those dear aliens the next time they come to visit her. Okay fine, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration but you can’t deny that you were pretty surprised when you saw that she was in her 60s, now can you? Don’t lie to me. It’s unbecoming. Still, like Madonna, I’m guessing she could still kick most of our asses and I’m guessing half of you would still get an erection while she was doing so. I apologize, this got weird, but again, don’t even try to lie to me.
Sure, I think we all know that Sean Connery is kinda old, but in our heads we still picture him as strong and virile, James Bond in his retirement years, still crushing ass and sipping martinis. But look at that picture. That’s not just an old man, that’s an OLD man. That’s crushing up pills in the applesauce and sipping Metamucil old. The spirit of Bond has clearly left him and in its place is a dude who’s older than my grandpa – and not nearly as energetic. And my grandpa is dead. And now so is my mental image of the original Bond. Hell, the only time you’ll probably ever hear him utter that name now is when he’s saying the following: "Bond… Gold Bond. Yes, that’s right, Gold Bond Powder. I need it for my diaper rash…"
In less than a year, Harrison Ford will be 70 years old. Now, I don’t know about you but I am not prepared for a world in which Han Solo and Indiana Jones are in their 70s. That’s just an awful thought, wrong and horrible. I mean, on an intellectual level, I think we get it – after all, the dude was 35 years old when the first Star Wars came out and like me, I’m guessing a lot of you weren’t even born when that happened – but on an emotional level… nope, not ready for it. We all reeled when the dude was in his 50s and we sort of shook our head and tried to pretend that it wasn’t true when he was in his 60s but there’s no ignoring 70. There just isn’t. I mean, that’s even older than Ronald Reagan was when he was elected President and I think we can all agree that dude was OLD. Try to imagine Ronald Reagan playing Indiana Jones in 1981. You can’t do it, can you? At least not without laughing. But that’s where we find ourselves today with Harrison Ford, which is such a depressing thought that there was no way anyone else could have been number one on this list.