Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Edible arrangements are a nice way of saying, “Here’s some beautiful fruit to throw out.”
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 28, 2013
“”
Accurate.
There's a misconception that money automatically brings you happiness. It doesn't. Only shit loads of money brings you happiness 🙂
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) October 28, 2013
“”
Also accurate.
We can put a man on the moon but we can't figure out baby seats for motorcycles?
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) October 28, 2013
“”
Don’t give people any ideas.
Angela Merkel's phone? I'd tap that.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) October 28, 2013
“”
Not sure how to take that.
Remember kids, if at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried in the first place.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) October 28, 2013
“”
Sage advice.
I'd rather give my grandpa a handjob. RT @peoplemag: Go inside Kim Kardashian's Vegas birthday bash!
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 28, 2013
“”
Hilarious as hell, but an awful visual.
Remember when Breaking Bad use to be on every week? Damn it.
— Aaron Paul (@aaronpaul_8) October 28, 2013
“”
Yes. Sigh.
Ran around Disneyland tonight in a bat costume with a 4 year-old on my shoulders so yeah sometimes fatherhood is like being Joe Walsh.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2013
“”
Ah, the rock star life of a parent.
Every time I see an American Apparel billboard, I have an overwhelming urge to shower and donate to a kids' charity.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) October 29, 2013
“”
Sadly, it must be working for them.
Forget the players, I need a day off from WATCHING the World Series. #nosleeptilnovember #9cigarettesperinning
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) October 29, 2013
“”
Hashtag of the week.
Security agent for charter flight didn't check my shoes because I "look normal". Always on the days you don't bring a shoe bomb, amiright
— Malison (@alisonforns) October 29, 2013
“”
Reverse profiling at its finest.
American Academy of Pediatrics says kids should be limited to 2 hrs. of texting/tweeting a day. Good, that still allows for 22 hours of TV!
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) October 29, 2013
“”
What if they are tweeting about a TV show?
Feeling good! pic.twitter.com/2WwdESzrnk
— Heidi Klum (@heidiklum) October 29, 2013
“”
Looking good.
love this one by @MAChristie pic.twitter.com/1iXSxOYQyc
— April Summers (@april_summerz) October 29, 2013
“”
So do we.
Jonas Brothers you never impress me till now that you can all go fuck yourself still God bless you
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) October 29, 2013
“”
Sheik is taking their breakup pretty hard.
Enough already with everything.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) October 29, 2013
“”
Seriously.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED: I've begun laying the groundwork of the effort to bring "Homey don't play that!" back into popular usage.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 29, 2013
“”
We fully support this initiative.
OHMYGODOHMYGOD The Jonas Brothers broke uHey look the new X-Men trailer.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2013
“”
Pop culture interest moves fast.
In a perfect world, you could get high on cat pee.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) October 30, 2013
“”
Sorry, what?
Percentage plan for today's activities: 5% doing stuff, 95% feeling bad about not doing stuff.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 30, 2013
“”
Join the club.
My best Halloween costume ever: when I was 11 I was Homey D Clown. I got in a lot of trouble.
— Malison (@alisonforns) October 30, 2013
“”
Homey don’t play that!
There are people dressed up in full costume working out today at crunch. I definitely didn't get the memo.
— Jena Sims (@jenamsims) October 30, 2013
“”
On the day BEFORE Halloween? Not right.
BEN AFFLECK SHOOTS OFF THE BATARANG WHILE SCREAMING "RIDDLE ME THIS, ST. LOUIS – BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) October 31, 2013
“”
Doesn’t the man have enough yet?
Noting sucks the life out of a celebration and a party like interviews with the owners and front office.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) October 31, 2013
“”
Accurate.
Is half black face acceptable? #halloweenquestions
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) October 31, 2013
“”
It’s 50% acceptable.
Before I dress as Wednesday Addams and Juno Macguff this weekend, is anyone offended?
— ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) October 31, 2013
“”
Guaranteed someone out there is.
Am I the only one who wants Halloween to end so the Christmas season can begin?!?!
— Alexa Vega (@alexavega) October 31, 2013
“”
Yes.
All mayors smoke crack. Why is this news? Mike Bloomberg sucks that glass dick all day.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 31, 2013
“”
I was not aware of that.
I am going to be cleaning up fake blood for the next 6 months.
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) November 1, 2013
“”
One of the hazards of Halloween.
Can a bowel movement be heroic? 'Cause I don't know what else to call what just happened.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 31, 2013
“”
Have a great weekend, everybody!