Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Funny how "He's a fiery guy" in sports translates to "He's a serial killer" in the actual world.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) September 16, 2013
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That is funny.
My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 16, 2013
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Where can I get that mattress?
Disgusted by comments on the new Miss America. So what if she's Indian-American? I'm Danish-American. Did that make me an unworthy Miss USA?
— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) September 16, 2013
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Amen.
Don't understand how Goodell can turn a deaf ear to the potential for Tinnitus incurred at some of these overly loud stadiums. Law suit?
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) September 16, 2013
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Please don’t let Roger Goodell see this tweet.
I hate germaphobes. The world is a toilet. No one is safe. You think I need to touch you to infect you? You're already dead.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 16, 2013
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The world is a toilet: your next Olympic motto.
This Boston weather has me missing Cabo's sunshine …can't wait to go back! @NataliePack I spy @DougReinhardt1 pic.twitter.com/M3M7EQwTFF
— Katherine Webb (@_KatherineWebb) September 16, 2013
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Now we miss it too and we weren’t even there.
9% of Americans do not have cell phones (via @pewinternet)
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) September 16, 2013
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The lucky few.
Lee and I brushed our teeth with the dogs toothpaste by accident this morning. Roast chicken flavour!
— JessicaJane Stafford (@KissJessicaJane) September 16, 2013
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*makes note on shopping list*
Stop naming your kids after trees and liquor
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) September 16, 2013
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And fruit.
I can't believe we're all gonna die.
— Amanda Seyfried (@AmandaSeyfried) September 16, 2013
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Did she just figure this out?
Tonight I begin my new quest to drink alone until it becomes a problem.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 16, 2013
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Best of luck, it’s really not that hard.
Shit. I am doing a residency in Vegas – same exact dates as Britney. My agent never researches correctly.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) September 17, 2013
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“Work, Bitch.”
Nothing makes me feel like my life is out of control than having to use the business center at my hotel
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 17, 2013
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It is a hopeless feeling.
A subtle way to let people know you have more than 10 cats at home is with leopard print seat covers in your Pontiac Aztec.
— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) September 17, 2013
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Or just that you own a Pontiac Aztec.
If a guy's coffee order has more than 5 words in it, he should have to tuck his penis and balls behind his butt for the rest of the day.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 17, 2013
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There should be a sign by the counter saying this.
Total time of actual on-field action in an MLB game: About 18 minutes. NFL game: About 11 minutes (via @wsj)
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) September 17, 2013
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I will never, ever believe this.
Impressive. 30 minute line wait at the local game store to get GTA V. One guy almost started crying as he left the store with his copy.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) September 17, 2013
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There was also an older woman getting Disney Infinity stuff who looked very confused.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) September 17, 2013
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They should combine those two games: Grand Theft Disney.
Don't run after a bus there'll be another. And don't ever eat fried food. Thank you, Mel Brooks. End of tweet.
— James Caan (@James_Caan) September 17, 2013
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His second tweet ever!
I just took too many pictures of my boobs.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) September 18, 2013
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There is no such thing.
Things to say when you sit next to a stranger on the plane: 1) God put me next to you for a reason. 2) Are you ticklish?
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) September 18, 2013
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I dare anyone to do either of those.
RT if you realized at the end of this tweet that you wasted precious seconds of your life reading this tweet.
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) September 18, 2013
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Sorry.
The “S” in the new iPhone S stands for Same.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 19, 2013
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I thought it was Sucker.
I read on my US app that Suri cruise wore a fur vest to school. That was pretty exciting.
— Danica Patrick (@DanicaPatrick) September 19, 2013
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Yes, it was a big day here in the States.
terrified to update my iPhone
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) September 19, 2013
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You should be.
Do yourself a favor- don’t check twitter every 5 minutes when you’re hanging out with a friend.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 19, 2013
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Just wait for this to come out each week instead.
I feel like every day is either fucking Comic Con or fucking Talk Like A Pirate Day. Either way, fuck you.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 19, 2013
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Somebody’s in a bad mood.
"Mmmm, black licorice!" – some weirdo in an old book
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 20, 2013
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Do they even make that anymore?
I finally have a job that gets me into the kind of fancy parties that serve enough free booze to make me lose my job.
— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) September 20, 2013
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A vicious cycle.
Good luck unseeing this: pic.twitter.com/GGDXpoIMLR
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 19, 2013
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Have a great weekend, everyone!