Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes theyβre funny, sometimes theyβre thought-provoking, and sometimes we donβt know what theyβre talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Looks like George Hamilton ejaculated on Will Arnett's face π #Emmys
β Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 23, 2013
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Seriously, what the hell was going on there?
The real winners of this year's Emmys are people who died before they could watch them.
β Alison Forns (@alisonforns) September 23, 2013
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As is the case with all awards shows.
This year they should have just held the Emmys at a cemetery.
β Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) September 23, 2013
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It was a bit maudlin.
Pleaseβ¦.stop covering Beatles songs if you can't deliver themβ¦ #painful #Emmys2013
β Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) September 23, 2013
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Or just stop period.
I like being up early, I just don't like getting up early. #finallyfoundthewords
β Jade Bryce (@thejadebryce) September 23, 2013
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I hear you, sister.
Cleveland Browns e-mail this AM to fans has Richardson jersey front & center (via @teclayton) http://t.co/d6lqJ72cay
β darren rovell (@darrenrovell) September 23, 2013
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Turns out it was actually the NFL, but stillβ¦
any girl that tells me she feels under the weather without immediately announcing she's not pregnant, i'm suspicious of.
β daniel tosh (@danieltosh) September 23, 2013
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He said it, not us.
True or false, Walt Clyde Frasier's father is a crushed velvet suit and his mother is a thesaurus?
β Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 23, 2013
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True.
Weβre all putting on Nikes and Heavenβs Gating it after the series finale of Breaking Bad, right?
β Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 23, 2013
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Yes.
An animal rights organization is protesting the new Grand Theft Auto β¦ though most prostitute rights organizations, remain oddly silent!
β Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) September 23, 2013
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Hmmmβ¦
I wish my stripper name to be Asparagus Pee.
β Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 23, 2013
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Done.
Bill Nye is gnarly. I'm into him.
β ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) September 24, 2013
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Bill Nye and gnarly for the first in the same sentence, ladies and gents!
I now qualify to play 50 and over senior softball.I can definitely hit a softball further than any human 50 and over.try me
β Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 24, 2013
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And on it goesβ¦
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, youβll be like βThank God that isnβt mine.β
β rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 24, 2013
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Truth.
#sixwords #neveragain will the Miley Cyrus fuck hammer
β The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) September 24, 2013
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We have a winner.
It's an honor just to be laminated
β Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) September 24, 2013
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No idea what that means, but itβs funny.
Saying John Mayer is your favorite artist is like saying your favorite color is grey
β Alexandria Morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) September 24, 2013
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Also truth.
Now my house is messy because I don't clean it. Does this life have no end to suffering?
β Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 24, 2013
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Lifeβs a bitch, then you die, Michael.
Can I get thru one fucking day without seeing pics of @MileyCyrus with her disgusting hog tongue hangin out?
β Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) September 25, 2013
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Sadly, no.
βIβm a big fan of your work.β = How actors introduce themselves to other actors.
β Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 25, 2013
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We should all try that.
Some Christians ain't Christian.
β Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) September 25, 2013
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Some?
Marvel's Masters of Sex on Showtime this weekend⦠With Lizzy Caplan reprising her role from Item 47, right? #geekhumor
β Adam Horowitz (@AdamHorowitzLA) September 25, 2013
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Now that would be a good show.
Picking up my friend after her colonoscopy was like picking her up after a night of partying. She was delirious, thirsty and just had anal.
β Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 25, 2013
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Rimshot!
Keith Richards wants the check but God keeps walking past his table.
β Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) September 25, 2013
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Poor Keith.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second left. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
β Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) September 26, 2013
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Sheβs right, you should try it next time.
When Miley Cyrus got her dream catcher tattoo, was she dreaming of herpes?
β Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) September 26, 2013
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Lord only knows.
Stop treating us like infants @CNN. Just kidding. Continue being terrible. It's your nature.
β Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) September 26, 2013
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Poor CNN.
Maybe Miley Cyrus got a tongue transplant from a labrador retrieverβ¦
β RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) September 26, 2013
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As good an explanation as any.
Does everyone still hate Anne Hathaway for no reason at all or has the anger moved on to some other innocent successful person?
β Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 26, 2013
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No, I think we all pretty much still dislike her.
My mom's answering machine still has the outgoing message I recorded when I was 15. So when I call home, I leave a message with my youth.
β Megan Ganz (@meganganz) September 26, 2013
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Say that didnβt make you chuckle.
Have developed #cansecocare plan to resurrect mlb. #cansecocomissioner
β Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 26, 2013
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And onβ¦
JIMMY KIMMEL PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES β¦ OH NO THAT MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TOO MUCH GOOD PUSSY IN YOUR LIFEβ¦
β KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) September 27, 2013
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β KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) September 27, 2013
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Oh Kanyeβ¦
It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed porn.
β Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 27, 2013
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Maybe he blocked it out of his mind (as he should).
Suck it, Yankees.
β Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) September 26, 2013
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Have a great weekend, everybody!