Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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Happy Memorial Day remembering those who have served in our armed forces. Thank you and God Bless America!!
— Eva Longoria (@EvaLongoria) May 26, 2014
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Amen.
Happy Memorial Day Everyone accept for the Justin Bieber get the fuck out of my country before i beat the fuck of and your frog tits mother
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 26, 2014
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Amen again.
Remember, if you bring a veggie tray to a BBQ today, the terrorists win. #NeverForget #USA
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 26, 2014
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Always true.
A big thank you to all the kind open minded guys on twitter. I'll try not to let the assholes drown you out.
— Mary E. Winstead (@M_E_Winstead) May 27, 2014
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Thanks, Mary.
Had to punch my way out of a Hallmark store again
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 27, 2014
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Those places are crazy hardcore.
I should be the mets hitting coach
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 27, 2014
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Here we go again.
I'd like to thank everyone who has sent me photos of overweight, blond guys that I supposedly look like. It really makes my day!
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) May 27, 2014
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Ah the glamorous life of a star!
dreaming is exhausting
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 27, 2014
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That’s why I don’t bother.
Blowing snot rockets on the sidewalk. A tradition unlike any other. #nyc
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 27, 2014
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Can we get Jim Nantz to record that?
I’d like to live long enough to see my hologram have some measure of success.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 27, 2014
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It’s a dream for all of us to strive for.
God I love booty short season.
— Johnny Weir (@JohnnyGWeir) May 27, 2014
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Who doesn’t?
people who sell movie tickets must love saying "enjoy ur movie"
cuz i always accidentally say "you too" then run away awkwardly feeling bad
— McKayla Maroney (@McKaylaMaroney) May 27, 2014
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Has anyone not done that at least once?
What the hell happened on that ship that turned Cap'n Crunch from a rugged ship captain to a breakfast cereal mascot?
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) May 27, 2014
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He’ll never tell.
Somewhere in America, the 2040 President of the United States just took a selfie.
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) May 27, 2014
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Girl ain’t lying.
Kim Kardashian looked beautiful at her wedding but after seeing her butt in a white dress, Pippa Middleton's ass has filed for unemployment.
— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) May 27, 2014
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It won’t be out of work long.
Im doing French homework. How did this happen? I should be snorting coke off of a tan person's butt crack or something. But I'm conjugating.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) May 28, 2014
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Conjugating, that’s code right?
It gives me physical pain to admit this but @StacyKeibler took me out for vegan food tonight and I enjoyed it and I'm deleting this tomorrow
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 28, 2014
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Wish I was in that restaurant.
Why yes I did say comedy is art, Fuckface
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) May 28, 2014
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Very artistically put.
I gotta koala Bear in my pants…Nobody believes me.
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) May 28, 2014
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Nobody wants to believe you, Dice.
"I say something outrageous so you'll click on it. I collect ad-revenue cause you clicked on it. I clarify my misleading headline." – news
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) May 28, 2014
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Welcome to 21st century journalism.
Good thing Disney digitally enhanced Angelina Jolie's shitty cheekbones & boring eyes for "Maleficent."
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 28, 2014
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She really did need the help.
There's two things I tell all my students:
1. I'm not a teacher.
2. Get the fuck out of my house.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 29, 2014
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Makes sense.
At least Kardashian fans have (slightly) better grammar than Chris Brown fans. Keep the hate tweets coming, fuckers.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 29, 2014
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Just Bring It.
"Click, click, BOOM!" – premature ejaculating to Internet porn
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) May 29, 2014
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Perfect.
A lady bent over In the store to retrieve something and farted. Being the mature 31 yr old I am, I laughed loudly..covered my mouth&ran
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) May 29, 2014
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Seems like the appropriate response.
I'm at my son's 5th grade production of Foot Loose. Better acting here than there was on The Hills.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) May 29, 2014
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Not exactly a tall order there.
I wanna be a hot blogger
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 30, 2014
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Who doeesn’t?
ICYMI: Nobody gives a donkey fuck about the garbage you shat onto their timeline earlier while they were living their life.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 30, 2014
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Thanks for the reminder, Rob.
don't act like you don't wake up at 5am and watch disney movies while editing porn and chugging coffee
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) May 30, 2014
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Umm, okay.
. @amandabynes are you still scrambled egg tits?
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 28, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!