Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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started a new animal crossing town but i don't love the game nearly as much as I used to. gonna be an awesome mom.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 21, 2014
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Eh, I’m sure John will help.
I control my own emotions?! The mind reels!
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) July 21, 2014
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Wait, is that true?
I get Tiger Woods because I went to a driving range today and hit like 14 golf balls and now I'm totally in the mood for whores.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 21, 2014
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Funny, same thing happens to me after the range.
I had a life changing moment tonight and wouldn't you know I had a life changing back moment just minutes later.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) July 21, 2014
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Sucks when that happens.
Happy Monday ladies and gentlemen! Work hard, sparkle harder!
— Johnny Weir (@JohnnyGWeir) July 21, 2014
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You heard the man. Sparkle harder!
Exactly how do you milk an almond?
— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) July 21, 2014
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Duh, you squeeze it’s nipples.
Just shit my pants in line at @Wendys. Thanks Obama.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 21, 2014
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F-ckin’ Obama.
This city has such great energy and so much to teach me. Heck, as I block a sidewalk to type this, I've already learned three new swears!
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) July 21, 2014
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Welcome to The Big Apple.
Floggin' the dolphin..
— Blake Shelton (@blakeshelton) July 22, 2014
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That’s code, right?
You know you’re drunk when you shit pants you’re not even wearing.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) July 22, 2014
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I may or may not have been that drunk once.
Cant imagine life w/o cell phone & cable but after Windows 8 I'd have no problem going back to mailing letters & VHS porn.
— Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) July 22, 2014
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Let’s not get crazy here.
The only survivors of a nuclear holocaust will be cockroaches and cable news pundits figuring out who to blame.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) July 22, 2014
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My guess is the pundits would even outlive the cockroaches.
White Chicks is trending. Because of course it is. It should always be trending.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 22, 2014
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This is true.
Apologies for the cursing but the world is particularly fucked up right now. Be safe out there globally.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) July 22, 2014
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Someone needs a new tinfoil hat.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to help vote me best dressed at the espys! Amazing! Y'all got it done!
— Danica Patrick (@DanicaPatrick) July 22, 2014
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Finally one in the “W” column.
I’d much rather mix business with pleather.
— Jessica Biel (@JessicaBiel) July 22, 2014
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No idea what she means, but I think I like it.
The penises people tweet me are always the worst penises
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 22, 2014
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Sorry about that, Chrissy.
I think salads help you lose weight because they're gross and you end up not eating them
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 22, 2014
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I think he’s right.
Can someone please write a romantic comedy set in the real estate world called "Looking Foreclosure"? I've been waiting long enough.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) July 23, 2014
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The WORLD has been waiting long enough.
No one has ever said, "I'm glad I ate those potato chips."
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 23, 2014
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I think he might be right on this.
I feel like the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to be like an American Apparel billboard flip book.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) July 23, 2014
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That would be bad, right?
Every time I change my password, I have to get a new pet.
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) July 23, 2014
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Damn, I’d have like 100 pets by now if I did that.
Today I plan on doing a good job. j/k
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 23, 2014
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Good one.
So.. Um.. What's a "bae" ..?
— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) July 23, 2014
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Oh, Brooklyn…
There is a King in you!
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) July 23, 2014
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Good God which one?! And get him out of me now!
Bartolo Colon, throwing a perfect game would have been the greatest moment in baseball history. Bar none.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 24, 2014
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Hard to disagree.
There's something very satisfying about stepping on a hanger.
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) July 24, 2014
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Really? Now I have to try it.
I'm not tweeting today.
— bob saget (@bobsaget) July 24, 2014
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Ummm…
Sometimes the only way to explain to someone that you are not a wounded bird is to eat their face off so they know you are a pterodactyl.
— Kari Byron (@KariByron) July 24, 2014
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She’s scaring me a little.
According to the NFL suspension rules, Justin Blackmon would be better off knocking a woman unconscious than smoking some herb.
— John Legend (@johnlegend) July 24, 2014
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This sounds more like MLB than the NFL, doesn’t it?
New study shows that the best e-mail password is dickgina37
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) July 24, 2014
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Why do I believe this?
When I think I've read or heard the dumbest possible comments on anything, I can always count on this little twitter world to prove me wrong
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) July 24, 2014
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No wonder it’s so popular.
I miss being in the 5th grade
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) July 24, 2014
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Who doesn’t?
I wonder if the cast of The Expendables act like they're tough around each other & not makeup wearing sassy dancers w/ stylists
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 24, 2014
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Oh shit…
The 50 Shades of Grey movie looks cheap, sleazy, ridiculous & a complete waste of time. Can't wait to see it.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) July 24, 2014
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It really does appear to have it all.
If an hour of our lives seemed as long as an hour of cardio, 50 years would be sufficient as a lifespan.
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) July 24, 2014
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Dude ain’t lyin’.
Hello @taylorswift13 you have snail tits
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 23, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!