I’m in my final year of law school and I’m miserable. Not because of the job scarcity or the bludgeoning debt or even the use of fake words like “heretofore.” I hate it because it’s boring. The only thing that gets me through is my classmates. They’re not my friends or anything like that, I just pass the time by judging them.
One my favorite activities is to create nicknames for my fellow students, because I certainly don’t know (or care to know) their real names. There’s P-GASM (Potentially Gay, Arguably Spanish McLovin), Catfood—because I saw him eating tuna out of a can once—and, of course, JCREW Jill. Despite these seemingly unique-sounding characters, I know they have counterparts at all JD mills. Enclosed heretofore, I proudly present the 7 People You Meet in Law School.
1. Gunner Stahl
The most stereotypical and most hated law school personality (because his/her hard work reminds us of our own mediocrity). Nothing is more disconcerting than someone who genuinely is enthusiastic about Civil Procedure. Look at the way they clutch their over-highlighted books on the way to yet another Internship interview. Let’s make fun of them until our insecurity goes away!
2. The Dad (or Mom)
I don’t care if he spent the last twenty years defending our country against Nazi-Dino-Terrorists, the old dude in class freaks me out. I’m typing on my MacBook, he’s using a feather quill on a piece of parchment. Plus, in my mind, there’s like a 200% chance he’s a pedophile even though we’re all 23+. And sorry ma’am, if you were alive when Gideon v. Wainwright went down, I think you just embrace staying at home with some daytime TV and hot flashes.
3. YOLO Practitioner
My personal least-favorite. This person was either a loser in college or went to a loser college, so they LOVE the law school scene. They're always inviting you to some awful happy hour, or lauding higher education on social media. Either they’re Instagramming their study outlines or posting articles like this one on everyone’s wall, the YOLO Practitioner’s hashtag game is insufferable. #FINALS #GRINDTIME #CRUSH #BEASTMODE! #ICONTRIBUTENOTHINGTOSOCIETY!
4. The Curveraiser
My man. Listen, we can’t all do well. The Curveraiser is here to bomb for all our sins. The Curveraiser relishes in his martyrdom, Facebooking in class with abandon and refraining from doing the reading like Gandhi no doubt did for his schoolmates. I salute you, Curveraiser, for I’m sure it’s all totally intentional.
5. The U.N. Delegate
Where did you go to undergrad, bro? The Agricultural University of Albania? Cool! Is it fratty? I’m really not trying to be racist here, but being a lawyer is all about communicating effectively and you literally sound like Borat. Most foreign students are really smart, hardworking, and earnest. All that ceases to matter once they get cold-called and nobody knows how the fuck a bad guy from an 80’s action movie snuck into class.
6. The Lost Soul
Listen, he’s not exactly sure what he wants to do. It’s good to have a law degree, right? Look at Abraham Lincoln! Or Ari Gold! He’s just trying to invest in his future, by incurring a $150,000 debt. He’s got other things going on too! Just last week his blog post got three retweets! I hate myself.
7. The One Hot Girl
It’s not gonna happen. Just forget about it and brief this dissent. Don’t let her sign you up for Barbri, it will get you nowhere. Don’t try to get in her study group. The normal rules of human interaction don’t apply here. Just continue stalking all the hot girls from college, I think they all work in PR now.
“