Stranger in a Strange Land: A Bro Translates the Chapters of ‘White Girl Problems’

by 5 years ago

Following the success of both her twitter account and online ballyhooing, Babe Walker–a true capitalist, white girl, and person that was born–wrote a book about the phenomenon. The memoir, which came out earlier this year, is actually about some undeniably serious sh*t (she went to rehab). Yet judging by the chapter titles, the voice, and the people who find this book enjoyable, it is without question that this is something that needed to be called out in some form by the Brommunity. 

There are 24 chapters in the book, “White Girl Problems.” I translated 15 of them:

1. All I want for my birthday is for you to know what I want for my birthday without me having to tell you

  • My expectations are realistic in every aspect of my life
  • Because my expectations are really realistic, I will never be disappointed by trivial things

2. If I like him, he’s probably gay

  • If I was happy, I couldn’t complain
  • If I couldn’t complain, I would die

3. Who am I, and when did I gain a pound?

  • Fat people. LOL. 
  • I will continue to use my weight as a perpetual exhibition of humblebraggery

4. You’re my best friend and I love you to death, but fuck you. Just kidding, I love you. Just kidding, I hate you. Call me.

  • We get along, but we won’t get along if that guy who you’re about to hook up with cooks you breakfast in the morning.
  • Tell me about it so I can stew in self-pity

5. My vagina is bullshit

  • I am sometimes frustrated with my sex life, but overall its not too bad

6. My major in college was picking my major, with a minor in being really bored

  • Swing and a miss

7. I’m too pretty to be crying right now

  • Look, I am attractive
  • NO REALLY, I am
  • Right?


8. My first trip to jail was not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Supercute mug shot though.

  • For most women afflicted with “White Girl Problems, the idea of going to jail without it having any real ramifications is a glorious one indeed
  • If everything in my life is trivial, then nothing will matter. If nothing matters, I don't have to feel guilty for watching the Kardashians.

9. I hate my horse

  • I’m not allowed to say it outright, but if we can’t spend at least $50 per person on dinner, I can’t be friends with you.

10. Sorry for texting you ninety-nine times last night

  • I feel compelled to let you know I drink alcohol from time to time

11. My grandmother is milking the shit out of me

  • People spoil me
  • They don’t know who I actually am
  • Let’s wear bags, walk around streets, and talk about balsamic vinegar 

12. My waxer knows me better than I know myself

  • I went too long without talking about how frustrating my sex life is, so I wrote this chapter

13. It’s 5:15. How much can I lose by 8:00?

  • I am nervous about the date I have
  • He makes a lot of money, but he’s slightly balding

20. Maybe people would take me seriously if I wasn’t so hot

  • Could you imagine? Man that would that suck

14. I miss you, unless you miss me, in which case I’m over you and into me being me

  • The greatest justification for that has ever been written


Robb Stark is a Television Character, But The Person Who Wrote This Isn't. Follow Him On Twitter

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