The College Chicks’ Guide to the Art of Giving Head

By 08.28.13

Contrary to the shit sack of sexual propaganda that has been force-fed to every freshman, college girl reduced to slinging grub with a bunch of man-hating Cracker Barrel waitresses over the summer, no man enjoys having the pulse of his one and only God given boner put at risk by the onslaught of some awkward chick’s razor lips.

However, giving head without chewing a man’s penis off is just one of the many elements to be taken into serious consideration before going on your first cock sucking rampage of the school year.

So, please consider this guide to the art of cock sucking the fucking gospel – pass it’s knowledge over to the younger generations and take it with you to your grave – you just never know what kind of amenities will be offered in heaven to those women with solid experience in the slobber arts.

Oral Ostrich – The You Can’t See Me Theory:

Some popular blow job guides will have you believe that sucking cock with the lights off is a good way to let go of your Mormon inhibitions and assist you in building the confidence needed to look sexy with a man’s meat weasel rolling around in your mouth. However, the truth is, most guys prefer to get head in the dark simply because we absolutely hate it when a chick stares up at us with our baby beater dangling out of their mouth as though they are waiting for us to give them some sort of thumbs up, suck of approval on their shoddy lip service.

The truth is, if we wanted someone to look at us with a stupid look in their eyes while they licked around our wieners like a popsicle, we would bypass all of the bullshit formalities, like expensive dinners and hours of mindless conversation about shit we care nothing about, and just let the dog do it. Seriously girls, if you plan to get anywhere this school year in regard to all this blowjob business, the chosen dick needs to be in your mouth 90 percent of the time.

The Legend of the Gag Proof Blowjob:

There have been many articles written on the subject of giving head without running the risk of triggering those pesky gag reflexes, but the reality is that if you haven’t vomited all over at least one man’s muff thumper throughout your cock sucking career – you are simply doing it wrong.

Hell, one article suggests that in order for women to create a deep throat illusion for the man, they should position their tongue on the roof of your mouth and let him bounce his old rumple foreskin against it. We hate to break it to you ladies, but that peter trampoline bullshit is never going to work in the real world. Most men are experienced enough to know the difference between speed baggin’ your uvula and being sandbagged by some slacker suck tactics that may or may not get your taste buds pregnant.

Hey Bitches, Leave Those Balls Alone:

There are reportedly some male sex surveys floating around out there that suggest over 50 percent of men enjoy having their balls sucked on while their old lady beats them off. We want to put this vile propaganda to death right here and now. Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the occasional licking of the family jewels, sucking on those sensitive bastards can have the same adverse effects on a man’s guts as if you were to viciously kick them with a pair of steel toes boots.

No kidding ladies, all of that ball sucking business really does is make us all clenched fisted and half-cocked, ready to pop you on top of your head the moment we start to feel the shape of our kidneys. Again, there really is no need to get fancy with a blowjob. Remember the KISS principle. No, not Keep It Simple, Stupid… Keep It Sucking, Sucker!

Teasing Is Not Pleasing

Some supposed sexperts will tell you that the key to giving a successful blowjob is to first tease a man by kissing him all over his body with the exception of directly on his pecker in a cruel attempt to get that desperate son of a bitch all worked up to the point of begging for it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hell, most men spend the majority of their lives trying to convince women of all shapes, sizes and ugly to get down to some skull fucking with them before even finding out if they are at least the age of legal consent. Why for the love of fucks holy name would any man want to beg for it once he has already unleashed that pulsing bastard? That’s easy – he fuckin’ wouldn’t.

Don’t Bring a Vibrator to a Blowjob

Okay, maybe it feels good when a chick runs a vibrator lightly against the base of your pecker while she is blowing you; maybe it’s just a parlor trick. Regardless, don’t even think about pushing that phallic machine up our ass. Contrary to what the sexual press likes to print in the American fashion rags, very few straight men enjoy being butt fucked by anything. We typically cringe at vibrators and we’re not even that crazy about getting finger banged in the stink hole either. Remember, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to suck a dick, so leave anything resembling a space ship out of the equation.

Here’s a Tip – Suck The Entire Dick:

You are not going to make any guy over the age of 18 cum by swirling your tongue around on the tip of his wiener and licking around on the head like it’s a lollipop. No ma’am, you have to dedicate yourself to sucking the entire dick. Come on – why do you think most men hold on to your head for dear life during your whole kneel and bob routine? Well, it’s not because we are sexually aroused by the shape of you skull, we can tell you that much.

Honestly, we’re just trying to push our little dicks as far back in your throat as humanly possible without fucking up and getting off into the throat of a corpse ten minutes later. Therefore, it is in your best interest to just have an ambitious go at the whole cock once you make the decision to dive in and start making slobber farts. Otherwise, you may have to deal with some of us impatient bastards twisting your ears purple while trying to glaze those tonsils.

Side Note: If you can actually suck a cock hard enough to leave dick hickies on that one-eyed bastard, you have mastered the art of cock sucking. Now, go get em’ tiger!

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