8 Reasons That College Life Is Beginning To Suck Ass

by 3 years ago  •  3 Comments

Education is awesome. College is a joke. But unless your name is Will Hunting, most people can’t get one without the other so you’re kind of fucked.

Every year a new study comes out or a new Congressional declaration is uttered that something needs to be done to make college more affordable for the common man. And every year nothing is done about it. But you can’t have a circle-jerk without a bunch of dicks, amirite?

The one thing that seems to make college worth all the debt is the endless reams of potential pussy waiting for you. Dorms. House parties. Frat parties. Shit is gonna be live, right? Heh heh. Maybe. They found a way to fuck that up too. I got a lot of bad news about college bullshit comin’ for you, bro. But don’t worry. I threw in some laughs to dull the acidic flavor of the medicine you’re about to swallow.

Tuition

Universities make money four ways. 1) Tuition, 2) State taxes 3) Sports revenue and 4) Alumni donations. The biggest of these, by far, is tuition. But if you’re at a school with a multi-billion dollar TV revenue deal, why does tuition still go up past the rate of inflation every year?

The best reason I could find? Because they can. State governments have been steadily decreasing their funding of public universities because, well, they don’t seem to need the money when they hire more and more non-teaching, non-researching administrators.

But colleges keep pushing the burden on the students to fund their endless growth projects. Funny, most businesses need to earn money for their services in order to grow their business. Universities just keep passing on the cost of growth to the students. And it’s fucking everyone’s future all kinds of sideways.

Bullshit required courses

You’re required to take over 100 credits-worth of classes. Your degree will take up about 25% of them. The rest? Shit you don’t need. The idea of a ‘liberal arts education’ was all cutesy when college cost as much as a down payment on an average home. Now it costs as much as a good house in a neighborhood you can’t afford to live in. So all those classes you didn’t need that were supposedly for the purpose of rounding out your education only served to round out the corners of your empty-ass wallet digging out every cent.

Books costs

College textbook costs between 2002 and 2013 rose 82%.

Why? At one point you could buy your books on Amazon for pennies on the dollar and save yourself hundreds. Now professors and publishers are commingling to make sure sure you can’t get around those publishing cost kickbacks they get by switching up their texts annually and/or making you buy expensive course packs. It’s as if you weren’t getting fucked from every direction already.

Massive debt

Didn’t play a sport that well? Didn’t graduate valedictorian? Sorry dawg, welcome to Brokeassville, propulation: YOU. Not only will you accrue massive debt on the way to bettering yourself, you’ll also spend several years after college being just as broke as you try to pay your way back to normal through your asshole. Hope the job you get after college can help you with that. Oh, speaking of that…

No jobs available

The good news? College graduate unemployment is down. The bad news? Most of them are in jobs that didn’t require a degree in the first place.

So unless you graduate with a degree in a specific field with lots of job openings your chances of getting a job in your chosen field are lower than Republican expectations for President Obama. But at least you can get laid, right?

‘Yes’ Means ‘Yes’

Sex has always been such a large part of the college experience. You go off to college and you find yourself. In that process you hopefully find yourself in bed with a few chicks. But what used to be a sexual smorgasbord for young people has become a rape powder keg. And although the country is trying to raise awareness on the topic to help make sure there’s always consent, statistics from several universities say that sexual offenses are on the rise. And that is scary. Remember, Yes Means Yes.

Campus life is more expensive than ever

There are two groups of folks going to college. The ones on loans and the ones on the Mommy and Daddy Money Express. One can afford to do anything and everything they want in college. The other will be working at places the Express kids will frequent. Either way, college towns are flush with fresh money coming every year which means that prices for goods and services are somewhat immune to normal market increases and decreases. Partying, for college students, has never been more expensive.

No chance for relationships

So you think that your way out of all of this is by getting married and sharing the debt load with your One True Love? LOL please. Fifty years ago girls were going to school just to get their marriage degree. Now? They’re your competition in the workforce. As of 2009, women were getting hired more often than men straight out of college.

On top of that, girls in college are Tindering their hearts out while they put off true love and romance for the same partying behavior you came to college for in the first place. So if you want true love you better go to a Princess Bride convention and try your luck with a sugar mama.

Want some hope though? Follow me on twitter @mightyspan and I’ll help you laugh your way out of despair.


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