Why Every College Student Needs to Keep a Poop Journal

By 01.29.14

My personal philosophy is that morality is best expressed through speaking your mind in the most direct way possible. The one beacon of honesty and morality that perfectly encapsulates college culture is a house’s bathroom scriptures. They're not only hilarious to read, they also allow everyone who graces the oval office to speak their mind in their own articulate style.

Perhaps the most significant aspect of the poop journal (PJ) is that it provides an outlet for roommates to be passive aggressive with one another while simultaneously allowing for “personal analysis” of the writer’s visit.

The following entries are from my buddy’s house PJ. He writes about how he’s angry at his roommates for taking up whole pages instead of writing on the same one:

Cam 1:20 AM, October the 1st

Figured we could conserve space by writing logs on the same page. So yeah, chronologically my poop is coming after Aaron’s but this is a green household. Ya bastards. Oh my this poop is not quite pleasant. Every time I dip I have to poop. And it’s the type of poop that isn’t solid. At all. Hell, I could probably pass it through my urethra if I was biologically wired for it. Anywho, I had a decent day. Went to class, got some work day. Come to think of it I didn’t even have to use my AK. Today was a good day.

Your porcelain lover,

Cameron

Oftentimes the entries aren’t about the bathroom visits at all. We all need a place to vent about what’s on our minds, whether it’s something we’re proud of or something we really regret. More often than not, it’s the latter:

Groff, Oct. 8, 11 am

Holy balls! My post-Devlin birthday hangover just hit me and I have no clue how I’m going to function the rest of the day. Last thing I remember from last night is falling off my chair at Jumbo Slice and finishing my pizza on the floor leaning against the wall. Not proud.

– Love you all

Everything on this big blue Earth is just biology. Like all other existing forms of matter, the PJ is not immune to temporary decay and lack of interest:

Oct 16th, 10:30 AM

I guess the poop journal has lost its luster… farewell my sweet friend.

Roggy

But the PJ is not just the only honest thing amidst a phony environment. It is also the shining symbol of everlasting friendship, which transcends the final phases of biology. All it takes is one masterful entry with a GTA V reference by one valiant man to revive it:

Oct. 19, the foul year of our Lord, twenty-hundred and thirteen

Jesus everyone’s handwriting in this book is so shitty (no pun intended). Hehehe. I digress. Just another normal Saturday of self-destruction. Had a 711 pizza a few days ago with some of those devilish mini beef tacos they have. Ever since then my digestive system has been up in flames. Can’t stop thinking about how Trevor died the other day. We were driving away from a heist when he got a text message. He read it then immediately crashed into an Escalade. Sign the no texting and driving pledge at http://www.itcanwait.com.

Always yours,

A-Mac

Did I singlehandedly save my friends’ house PJ from impending extinction? Absolutely. Am I tooting my own horn about my off-the-cuff writing skills? Of course. I rescue things all the time though, so don’t make a big deal about it.

Regardless, scrounge up some change, go buy a notebook, and pin it to the wall of your bathroom. You’ll have plenty of incoherent nonsense to chuckle at after a couple weekends of visitors.

View A-Mac's archive here.

[Man sitting on toilet image via Shutterstock]


TAGScollege life

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