The other day I heard this story about a girl who clogged up a toilet at a frat party and, upon remembering that there was a line 10-people deep waiting to use the bathroom, came up with the idea to scoop her poop into a red solo cup, run out the bathroom through the party until she got outside where she threw her red poopoo cup into some bushes. I can’t quite say that’s a normal thing for a college girl to do, or really anyone for that matter, but it just goes to show that when it comes to picking what’s logical (pretending the person before you clogged the toilet) or picking what’s bone-shatteringly dumb, chances are the majority of us are gonna break a few legs before we graduate.
1. Eat Before You Drink
I’ll admit, I’m guilty of skipping dinner on nights when I know I’ll be drinking. Not because drinking on an empty stomach gets you shitfaced with less alcohol, but because I don’t wanna look fat in my skimpy going out clothes. My basic mantra is along the lines of “Unless you’re spending the night at a bakery, the muffin top that cheese steak will give you is not appropriate for public viewing”. In reality, it doesn’t matter. Actually, I just lied. If you choose to gobble down 20 lbs. of ground beef five minutes before you walk out the door, there’s a good chance you’ll get mistaken for Darlene from Dead Rising 3.
Could I go ahead and eat like I want and maybe just skip the crop top? Well, yeah…but that would mean I’d be wearing more clothes. Which means fewer boys will talk to me. Which brings me to my next point…
2. Your Best Memories Will Be With Friends, Not Random Men
Sure, you’ll have a few horrifying yet amusing drunk hookup stories to never pass on to your children, like the time you threw up during head and he was too drunk to notice, or the time he busted the moment you took off his pants. But who are you going to bond with over those? The pump and dump guy you found 5 minutes before last call? Ideally you’ll never see him again. It’s better to go out and do cringe-worthy shit with your friends than it is to be on the prowl for a new boy to play with every weekend. Your self-worth shouldn’t be based in how many drinks you can con boys into buying you at the bar, and if it is, well then…
3. You’re Trying Too Hard
The “college experience” needs to be organic, aka it needs to just happen. Everyone knows “those girls”. The ones at every party that are screaming, doing body shots, trying to suck people’s dicks in the middle of the dance floor but being “subtle” because they’re in the corner… no? Welcome to UMD. No one likes being around the chicks that go looking for trouble, but if trouble comes looking for you and you decide to take up on its offer… that’s a whole different story. However, if you ever find yourself screaming “HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GAWDDD I’M HAVING SOOOO MUCH FUN HEREEEEE” to the point where people turn around and look at you, then you’re doing it wrong.
4. “Like, OMG, I Totally Stopped Eating –insert food here– Because It’s So Bad For You!!”
Unless you wrote “cyanide laced fecal matter” in the blank, shut up. You’re wrong. In my four years of college, I’ve heard that fat is bad for you, carbohydrates are bad for you, then that only some fat is bad for you, then that wait just kidding eat more whole grains or you’ll die. Then last week I overheard a girl talking about how she was cutting out gluten to lose weight. No, she doesn’t have celiac’s. She was also a vegan the week before, and the week before that she was talking about how she was on a “salsa diet” where she ate spoonfuls of Chi-Chi’s because spicy foods apparently raise your metabolism. I’m totally down to just eat salsa 24/7, but I also do recognize how saying that out loud in public would lead people to believe I have the functioning mental capacity of a potato. Sure I can power a light bulb if you stick a few wires in me, but who the hell wants a potato lamp sitting on their nightstand? If you’re trying to be healthy or lose weight, maybe cut out the drunk eating and hit the gym a little more often as a start instead of spouting off inane dieting tips you found on Instagram. Just because it has a pretty filter plastered all over it does not mean that it’s actually going to work.
5. Don’t Use The Weight Room Unless You Know How To
You’re at the gym. Doing your usual cardio routine, you see the sexiest man that’s ever graced campus get onto the treadmill in front of you. You’ve officially tuned out of the Judge Judy rerun that was on and you’re now getting ready to watch this guy shred that conveyor belt. He turns it on, but instead of running, he sits down and starts rolling. Literally rolling. As in elementary school style pencil rolls…on a treadmill. Any fluid that was involuntarily squired outta your vagina has now instantaneously dried up because good ol’ Usain Bolt in front of you is apparently enrolled in a more “special” sort of Olympics. This is basically what happens whenever guys see a cute girl roll up into the weight room and start pulling this shit:
Not that the only reason you go into the weight room is to find boys, of course. But really, no one gives a shit if you take an extra 30 seconds to read the instructions on the machines. College weight rooms have their own unspoken set of etiquette that I can’t even say I completely understand, so before you stroll in and start acting like fucknut up there, you might want to acquaint yourself with the concept of sharing machines between sets.
6. Don’t Be A Fucking Groupie
Because everyone will laugh at you behind your back. It’s one thing to be legitimately friends with a large portion of a given fraternity and be there so often because you’re friends with most of them. It’s another thing entirely to be there all the time because you’ve slept with so many of them that they gave you a mock Purple Heart for all the times you’ve been stabbed with frat cock. You know there’s other places to go on the weekends, right?
7. I Don’t Care If He’s Your Boyfriend, Don’t Live With Him
This girl I knew first semester Freshman year completely moved out of her dorm within the second month of school and had moved in with her boyfriend. They’d been dating 3 weeks. As in, yeah, they pretty much just met. Dude, for all you know he’s a cannibal that uses gravy soaked maxi pads as stuffing, and I sure as shit know that the morning I wake up with a gravy filled asshole full of feminine hygiene products is the day that I need to re-evaluate my life choices. Point being, just because you’re on your own doesn’t mean you’re actually an adult. If Taylor Swift is 22 and she can’t even hold onto anyone long enough to move in with them, why would you be able to at 17? Plus, your name isn’t on the lease. If the two of you break up where would you live? See turds, that’s the annoying shit you have to think about when you get old and lame like me. Do yourself a favor and die early before that happens.