It’s fucking party time, you’re looking to go out talk to a ton of different people and possibly get laid. After a day of sitting through classes and hearing about other people’s bullshit it’s time to hit a pong table and listen to some music. Then it’s time to be completely smashed and do some ridiculous actions that people are going to remember. Getting drunk at parties is always the best; you make best friends for a night, hook up with people and wake up the next day only half remembering it. But, there is always a downfall to parties, the Bro’s that are just obnoxious. They bring the fun down with their own bullshit and stop the raging. Here are five bros that always bring the party down.
Sports Team Bro- It’s always cool to have a good sports team on campus, tailgating and getting smashed at the game is a time honored tradition as a bro. Sometimes though, the sports team bro’s when not with the sports team can get obnoxious. If it’s not nutrition or the team, this guy only talks about how laid he gets. Sorry dude, but, we’re not all a local celebrities. Some of us had to develop game off the field to get by.
New to a Frat Bro- It’s been a while since he’s had time to hang out with anyone that’s not in a frat. He’s been through hell week and being a pledge for long enough that he’s lost a few social skills. When you first met him he was pretty awesome, now all he talks about it the frat. Here’s the problem buddy: no one cares about your frat besides the people who are members of it or already want to become members of it. We understand how sweet the parties are and everything you went through to be a brother, but, shut up about it. You’re new to a frat not new to social interactions.
Drunk Before Everyone Bro- This dude could be awesome like Belushi, but, he’s probably a weak imitation. Sometimes the bro who is drunk by two in the afternoon can be hilarious and talked into doing awesome shit. Most times, he’s just the guy you need to watch out for. When people get drunk by two in the afternoon they need a baby sitter so they don’t end up in jail. Drunk in the afternoon means a pain in the ass by seven p.m.
The Side Kick- The worst of the worst, this lingerer with no personality makes everyone in the room feel creepy. He’s the type of kid that makes people ask “What’s up with that kid?”. He laughs at everyone’s jokes and stories but never contributes. Sometimes there is an elephant in the room, other times there’s The Side Kick.
The Returning Bro- He’s pushing thirty and decided to come back and rage again, he might be returning to his frat, his little brother might now be in college, or he could have been invited by someone who is too young to be hanging out with him. The returning bro can be really sad. By midnight he may have realized he’s not as young and awesome as he was, or he could end up too drunk too soon. Either way, The Returning Bro is a sad reminder life after college isn’t what you’re ready for.
Don’t let these bros ruin the party for you. Avoid them at all costs or else you’re going to get caught in an hour long conversation because no one else is talking to them. Parties are like safari watering holes, everyone’s a predator and only the strong survive.
Bread Foster is the author of Dude, Bro: The how to college guide your parents don’t want you to have available here.