The 15 Must Haves For Every Off-Campus College House

by 5 years ago

As I soon found out, once you move out of the dorms, that is when your college existence really takes shape. And whether you want that shape to be a circle, a square, or an awesome ampersand (like most of my shits), there are some very essential items every Bro should keep in his college apartment or house. Note: This list does not include things you should already own like a computer, a bed, furniture, etc. If you don't have those things your parents are rooting for you to die.

1. Contraception

I don't care if it's a condom, the morning-after pill, a bottle of Drano, or a rusty shiv — just have something. If you're still having one night stands (take a bow) or dating a girl you don't really love (you Goddamn serial monogamist, you) you are by no means a good candidate to be a father.

2. Drinking Game Materials

It is crucial to have a table that can be used for not only dining but also Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Other vital tools for drinking game success include: a pair of dice, decks of cards, beer funnels, and friends. If you don't have any friends you can still play a few one-man games, including Russian Roulette and my personal favorite, Swallow All These Pills.

3. Kegerator

These days, you can pick one up, brand new, for about five hundred bucks — the number becomes substantially less if you go on Craigslist and get it used. A pricey contraption, no doubt, but always having alcohol on tap will come in handy, especially when last call hits and no one is ready to end the party. After all, the more women that walk through your front door the better your odds are to get laid. I don't know about your sentiments, but that's the kind of ROI I like to see. 

4. Personal Lubricant (Astroglide, KY Jelly, an infant's tears, etc.)

I don't advise using this on yourself unless you plan on taking a shower immediately after, but you might be needing lube if you bring a girl home only to discover her vagina just ate six packs of saltines. In the event that you don't have lube and you find yourself in a pickle or the back seat of your Honda Civic with a girl suffering from CDCD (Chronic Dry Crotch Disorder), spit or wiper fluid works just fine too.  

5. Wine

You don't have to drink it, but the ritzy broad that you're trying to seduce might not want to drink the Molsen Ice you and your classless roommates keep on tap. So pony up the $20 and show the ladies that you're not white trash by always having a bottle of red and white handy. If the girls don't like wine, just nonchalantly pull out the bottle of Parrot Bay you shamefully hide in your room, fancy boy. 

6. Toilet Paper

This seems like a fundamental “no brainier,” I know, but a few years back I was forced to wipe my ass with my friend's bathmat — he graduated five years ago — then I subsequently put said mat back where I found it. Needless to say, I was not pleased and he received no financial reimbursement nor did I offer an apology.  

7. A LARGE Flat-Screen TV

If you're watching your favorite TV shows or sporting events on something that strains your eyes, you seriously need to get your f*cking priorities in order. You're a big boy now, living out of the dorms and it's time to have some big-boy toys. For the single Bro, sell enough semen, blood, or sexual favors until you can afford one. If you have a girlfriend, ask her politely to donate one of her eggs and then let her keep up to12% of the profits for her compliance.

8. Drug Paraphernalia

By no means do I condone drug use (unless to enhance one's performance, or to blow off some steam, or to get extremely high), but I understand that it is part of the college lifestyle. Whatever your personal vice may be, make sure to stock up on its necessary evils in order to keep the good times rolling. These evils may include: needles, razor blades, bongs, pipes, battery acid, brake fluid, bean-bag chairs, potting soil and a plethora of the narcotic itself.  

9. A Gaming System

Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3, or X-Box 360 all will come in handy in your pursuit to blow off your studies or just class in general. Countless hours of my college experience were spent playing NCAA Football in my bedroom while obscene amounts of flatulence were blown out of my a**hole.  

10. Preparation H

If your anything like me (you must be terribly photogenic), one of the only times you get to read is when you're taking a steamer. Be warned, though, if you make the decision to linger just so you can finish that article on ESPN or BROBIBLE, not only will both of your feet go numb, but you've just increased your chances of developing a painful ball-bearing at the base of your ass-pipe.

11. A Tool Box

You're a man, so you should own an actual toolbox, with real life tools. You don't have to be Bob Villa, but you should be equipped with at least a few basic tools to complete household tasks like hanging pictures, fixing the sink, or hammering an unwanted rodent to death.

12. Stripper Pole

Why not? It can't be that expensive to install and if you and your confidants bring home abundant amounts of pussy, this pole will serve as a late-night party starter. Think of it as a way to pre-heat the oven.

13. Ski Masks

A vital accessory for when a Bro is engaging in illegal tomfoolery. They also come in handy when you go shopping for Christmas lights in the neighborhood down the street. 

14. An Excuse

This is your ultimate non-tangible asset. When your girlfriend asks, “Whose underwear are these that I found under your bed!?!” You can say, “Remember that weekend when you were away visiting your terminally ill grandmother? Well, funny story… I let Joey — you remember Joey right? Well either way, I let him f*ck some random girl in my bed. But don't worry, babe, I washed the sheets.”

Or, you can opt to tell her the truth: “I've actually been sleeping with this cheerleader and everyday we come to my house at lunch and f*ck till her cervix looks like prime rib. Do me a favor and wash those, she'll be super excited to get them back.” Tell her that and I promise that she'll kick you in the dick so hard that you'll be talking like you swallowed a canary for months.

15. A Stallone Zone

This is a place where you can go to get away from all the hardship life throws at you. A personal sanctuary to just sit and reminisce about the numerous box office smash hits starring Sylvester Stallone. The room should be equipped with pictures of Sly, locks of his hair, old hypodermic needles once shared by Sly and Arnold, and life-size wax figurines of his person.

On second thought… #15 might only apply to me.


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