An Open Letter to My Freshman Self

By 08.13.12

I know promises of gay-zing pledges and rocking the Fall Rush t-shirt with the sleeves cut off at the gym are enticing, but let’s take a moment to reflect. Go ahead, pledge your balls off; but be realistic. A frat is merely that. You will not be best with everyone in the Alpha Omega chapter. Some of your pledge brothers will be douchebags, and no amount of onions eaten or thinking positions held will change that. So before you carve ZBT into your arm with a rusted blade like the child soldiers in Blood Diamond, take a deep breath. Furthermore, the bros who joined other frats are not your enemies; they have the same hopes and dreams you do. So before you initiate an artificial holy war on any dude who didn’t pledge with you, approach other frat bros with an open mind; you never know when that dude in PKA or Sammy could help you on an exam, hook you up with some ass, or become a lifelong friend.

As much as this sucks, you will have to attend some classes during college. My word of advice is to make the most of it. Take some courses that have real world implications; stuff like accounting, finance and public speaking. As much as majoring in Electives seemed like a good idea back then, I can’t help but think that adding some rigorousness to my course load could have better prepared me for the harsh realities of the current economic climate. Conversely, experiment with some random classes, too. They’re an easy GPA booster and you never know when that half-remembered lecture from History of Jazz may come in handy.

I can’t stress this enough: GO BEYOND YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Never again will you be in banging distance of such a diverse and aroused population. Timid Asian from your Poli Sci class? Strike up a conversation; she’s been dying to disappoint her father. Dark-skinned hottie smoking cigarettes outside the library? She’s a Kuwaiti oil baroness, hit that NOW! Frat groupies and sister sororities grow stale very quickly. Don’t hold off till Spring Break to spit game, treat every Thursday night like it’s Puerto Vallarta.

Avoid the Wedding Crashers/Bob Marley/Beer Pong dorm room poster, chicks dig Audrey Hepurn. Everyone has sex in the stacks; be original, masturbate in the dining hall. Personally thank every promoter who sends you a Facebook invite to a party, it’s the nice thing to do. If you study abroad, don’t forget to shut the f*ck up about how great studying abroad is. Become friends with a football player and do everything in your power to become his agent, even if you have no idea how to be one. DJ-ing parties is a great way to let people know you’re a douche. Avoid getting shot in a campus-wide massacre; at least one is bound to happen in your four years.

Well, Freshman Self, that about wraps it up. So get out there, and make the most of it.  Also, Soulja Boy will never achieve the same level of greatness as he did with “Crank That”. Sucks, I know.

Got any other tips for my Freshman self? Leave ‘em in the Comments section!!

Krum is a NYC based comedian and you can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom

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