The Spring Break Checklist for Every Bro
2. Before you leave: set an over-under on the amount of times you hear girls woooing. Put a decent amount of money on it.
3. If you're going all the way out of the country, make sure to hook up with someone that lives less than five minutes away from you at school
4. Check Facebook ZERO Times.
5. Walk a lot, get that fleeting moment where you don’t want to walk anymore and go pass out and die back at the hotel, and keep walking
6. Buy at least three condoms. If you fail to make proper use of them by the end of the trip, you must find another crafty way to use them.
7. Go swimming…in double D’s
8. Make friends with a local
9. Randomly run into someone you went to camp with back in the day
10. Drunk Beach Volleyball
11. At least four milliseconds where you're convinced you're going to die here
12. Say nothing when your friend starts using his cellphone excessively inevitably racking up a hilariously large bill
13. Take a ride on a previously unexplored motorboat*
14. Annoyingly overplay This Song:
15. Don’t miss a second to make fun or your friend who’s in a relationship
16. Hate yourself if you’re in a relationship
17. Reaching that point where you’re unable to tell whether or not you’re incredibly shitfaced, or just in your natural state of existence.
19. Constantly putting off what will inevitably be the worst hangover of your life
20. Extra pairs of boxers, briefs, or whatever else you’re into. You will actually need these.
21. Some sort of water-spraying device, for instant wet-shirt contest
22. An NBA Jersey from no LATER than 2004
23. A dude in your group who gets overly obsessed with strictly sticking to his itinerary, whom you could all make fun of when he inevitably gets frustrated with you lesser humans
24. A real struggle of a human being, who you can place all the blame on when you need the intense dude on your side
25. Shades that cost $150
26. Shades that cost < $5
27. New sandals, cause your old ones will break and it will suck
28. Suspension of disbelief when you hear your buddies' stories from the night before–it will allow you to embellish yours as well
29. If you’d like to eat the last two months of school, a budget
30. Shorts connoting your pride in whatever high school sport you used to dominate
31. Shitty headphones–don’t bring your good pair
32. A flask. Arguably the most crucial.
33. A bunch of random Wikipedia-learned facts about your destination, to be used to casually impress any and everyone else
34. Some sort of distinguishing signifier. If all your buds are wearing plaid, you can’t be viewed as one of five.
35. Someone to annoyingly remind you that you should probably drink water
36. At least one non-alcoholic drink prized by the locals–particularly coffee
37. A sweatshirt. If not for you, a new lady friend
38. But not a sweatshirt you actually like. Cause you’ll never get it back.
39. If you can get hotel insurance. Hotel insurance.
40. EXTREME tolerance for putting up with everyone’s shit. You will very much need this
41. The four-year long collegiate sore throat, times 10
42. A signature, go-to dance move. Group or otherwise
43. If applicable, frat garb to validate that a bunch of people thought you were cool enough drink alcohol with them
44. Some sort of instant shaming punishment, used to prevent that one friend from talking about the huge paper he’s gotta write when he goes back.
45. One –> many non-self inflicted orgasms.
46. A heated discussion about how “fuckin’ sick” Mad Men and/or Game of Thrones is gonna be
47. A wiffle ball and a wiffle ball bat, because wiffle ball is always awesome
48. Balcony/Rooftop/Post-Sex Cigars
49. A healthy supply of stories to tell for decades to come
50. An experience dope enough to sappily reflect on it, and mean what you say
Spring break pic via shutterstock