The Graduation Manifestbro

By 05.14.12

“Ow.”  That’s the only syllable you can utter as you roll out of your hotel room after 20 minutes of hungover packing and failing in vain to find your flip flops and dignity, both of which have been lost to the sea.  Beach Week is over, and the only thing that separates you and your dehydrated ass from graduation and the real world is a few last days of fun and an 8 hour drive back to campus.  I, myself, recently just experienced this rite of passage, and am now back home trying to make sense of what the hell just happened.  It wasn’t quite 7 years of college down the drain, but it was definitely the best four years of my life. Now, forget any bougie graduation address you’re going to hear from some pompous bro-hating windbag about how this generation needs to get it together and put an end to global warming, stop littering, stop having unprotected sex with women of questionable morals and/or character, etc.  I’d rather tell you a list of a few things I believe us graduates should do, or at least that I’ll be doing, now and in the years to come. 

1. Do not give any f*cks these last few days–  In fact, just take f*cks from others. You thought Beach Week was a blur?  That’s nothing compared to how fast these last few days will go.  My advice is to sleep when you graduate.   Hang out with your brothers while you can one last time, and don’t worry about things like making a good impression on people.   You will never be around a collection of girls this good looking again (assuming your college isn’t overrun by a bunch of bulldykes, or you live in Brazil); take advantage of it.    This is the last time you’ll all be together at one place, save for a few reunions or homecomings down the road.  Make sure it’s real tight butthole. 

2. If you’re not employed just yet after graduation, don’t freak out about it –  This is the one time in your life where you can literally pursue anything you want.  Don’t be afraid to do whatever it is you really desire to do out on the job market (unless it’s something unproductive and asinine like Occupy Wallstreet, in which case you shouldn’t be reading this and you’re probably a hipster).  Network, aka drink some cocktails with friends of your family, friends of friends of your family, and anyone wealthy to see what’s out there.  You’ll find a job eventually, because you’re a Bro and you piss excellence and sh*t success. 

3. If possible, travel a bit and have one last summer- No shame in letting the party continue a little longer.  As long as you don’t do this for too long, I can’t hate on it.  Do the damn thing one last time if you’ve got the means, and a rich enough dad.  Spain sounds like a good place start, if it's anything like that song “Loca People” makes it out to be.  

4.  “You are the next greatest generation”- Tom Brokaw , a true Bro King with the best name in news, said this at my graduation.  You know why?   We just happen to be the coolest sons of bitches on the planet right now.  We just dominated college for four years, we’re smart, we know how to hold a damn conversation, and can still party with the best of them.   Let’s go out and make sure the rest of the world knows this.


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