10 Things Freshman Guys Shouldn’t Say to Upperclassmen Chicks

By 08.29.13

And when I say, “proceed with caution,” I mean before you make a move, or before you even think about making a move, practice your game and make sure it works. Like everything in life, practice makes perfect.

If you can’t get with chicks your age or younger to bang you, then how the hell are you going to have the confidence to go all in on a hot upperclassman and make it work in your favor? Don’t ever be intimidated by the mountain; however, don’t expect to climb to the top on your first time without any previous experience.

Remember, you can’t hit a homerun without batting practice. Give yourself the necessary reps so you’re ready when the moment comes to not only act, but you can act without hesitation.

Once you’ve made the decision to go over and buy her that drink, you need to have any semblance of self doubt fully erased and the only thing pulsating through your blood should be sheer confidence.

What do you have to lose, right? I’d be willing to bet there aren’t many other men — younger or older — that have the self assurance of some 18 year old hopped up on liquor with nothing else to lose.

If you’re a freshman, and you’re reading this, I say go for it. However, before you do read this list of 10 things you shouldn’t say to an upperclassman when you approach her with sexual intent:

1. “What’s your year?”

Doesn’t matter. She’s a person just like you and I, why treat her any different? Did you go around high school parties asking that question? Exactly. It doesn’t fucking matter. Most importantly, year is just some dumb ass label the academic bureaucracies have labeled us with to confuse us even more as we go through college.

Your year in school doesn’t say anything about age, occupation, where you’re from, what your interests are, etc. Try and get to know this chick. If you talk nice enough to her, she will reveal everything you want to know about her without having to ask her a question that may trigger that impulsive freshman boy alarm. Trust me, college chicks are pretty good at reading if you’re new to the game. They can smell it.

2. “I’m a freshman…”

This is going to sound harsh but she doesn’t give two shits about you dude, so why the hell would you need to say something that’s only going incriminate you to the point where she’s walking away immediately rather than half-listening to what you have to say for a few minutes before she makes her decision on what to do next. Similar to No. 1, you want to engage with her. Let her do all the talking and just pick and choose your moments to insert a funny side comment or observation.

Like Paul Rudd’s character said in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, do less. The more you try, the quicker you are going to reveal who you are and that’s not a good thing. Unless….

3. “Are you into younger guys?”

Some chicks are and those are the ones you can bring home and record a few points on the old freshman scoreboard. However, a large majority of chicks will dismiss you if you ask them this bluntly. You have to use some elements of deceit here — she shouldn’t know your age until the deed is done. Therefore, when you ask her within moments of introducing yourself if her sex fantasy includes riding some 18-year-old buck, then you’ve ruined the element of surprise.

If she asks your age, the answer is always old enough. If she presses you, don’t get defensive just play it cool. Hell be honest if she’s giving you good vibes and laugh it off like it’s not a big deal. Remember: act like you’ve been there before. You’ve taken the necessary swings at batting practice to be fully capable of smashing this one of the park. However, you will strike out looking if you over-think and believe that age matters. It doesn’t and that’s why hitting a cougar, although a challenge, is just as likely to happen as banging some dumb freshman broad who doesn’t know what the hell she wants or where she wants it.

4. “Can I buy you a drink?”

Don’t ask; just buy her the damn drink. The gesture in itself radiates confidence and tells her that rejection isn’t something that’s on your mind. Worse case situation: you’re buying two drinks for yourself. We’ve all done this before and it’s completely socially acceptable, so there really should be know fear. I’d estimate that 80 to 85% of the time she accepts the drink and lets you stay and talk. This is your time to shine.

On the other side of the coin, if waste time and ask her if she wants you to buy her a drink, you’re already tripping yourself up with too many possibilities that are completely out of your control. She could say no, she could say yes. She could say yes, but then say she has a boyfriend. She could say yes and run away with her group of girlfriends, giving you no time to make a move. And then, she could just flat out reject your offer because she recognizes a pussy when she sees one. After all, she walks around with it between her legs everyday.

5. “I’m sorry but I’m a bit drunk…”

This is usually followed with some half-ass compliment. I encourage you to compliment her all you want — tell her she’s beautiful; tell her she’s a knockout. Whatever you do though, don’t say sorry when you go in to flatter her. She will dismiss you and push you over. Say what you want to say, but similar to the rest of the items on this list, don’t pussy-foot around with what you mean to say. Be direct, be a man.

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6. “Let’s stay here.”

Why? So you can continue to impress your boys by spitting at an upperclassman? Don’t let your ego squash your chance at getting pussy. The chances of you slamming her at the party or inside the bar are about .01% so don’t pretend like talking to her means you’re going to get laid. The longer you stay at the place you just met her at, those odds only get worse so do your penis a favor and ask her if she wants to go talk outside or even go “elsewhere” to another party or, hell, back to your dorm or her house.

Side note: timing is crucial when it comes to changing locations with a girl you just met. Don’t be too aggressive, she’ll run away. Sit and talk with her for 15 to 20 minutes or so, try and integrate her into a conversation with your friends briefly and then get back to talking with her one-on-one. If you can perfect this dance, the answer to “do you wanna go talk outside?” will be yes. And then you can make your move and get physical.

7. “Can I kiss you?”

If you haven’t noticed, a lot of the things you shouldn’t say are questions. This isn’t a coincidence. Questions waste time and lower your chance at getting pussy. I had an upperclassman once tell me not to ask a chick anything you can’t tell her. To summarize: if you can dictate the situation, then do it.

Now, I’m not say forcibly or without consent, but if you get the girl alone and outside like I was just talking about in point No. 6, then there is no need to ask if its ok to make a move. She’s already isolated herself to be with you so you can do just that. Don’t put the ball back in her court, because then the result is a coin flip — she could say yes, but she might also have a reason to say no (don’t get me started here). Go in for the kiss, if she holds you off, go back into the party. She’s not worth it anyways. Most of the time though you will be successful and enjoy a little make out session.

8. “My friends bet me I couldn’t…”

Don’t even bring up friends, wagering or whatever your reason for talking to her is. I should have said this earlier, but the less she knows about you, the better. Keep her at a distance even while in pursuit. She should know your motivation; you don’t need to publicly state it.

Moreover, if you’re tell her that your friends are what’s motivating you to hit on chicks, then she’s going to think either a.) you’re gay b.) you lack self confidence or c.) you’re a freshman who’s never gotten it in with an older girl. FYI: if she thinks any of those three things, chances are she isn’t going to sleep with you — EVER.

9. “Do you think I’m funny?”

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that at a bar this summer, then I’d have almost a dollar cause I heard it damn near 20 times. Why ask a chick if she finds you funny? Can’t you tell that by whether or not she’s laughing at you? And especially with older chicks, you’re either amusing them or you aren’t. They will let you know directly because this is far from their first rodeo.

A younger chick is a lot different in handling this, she will tease you along and still not know what she wants until you are in bed with her. However, we’re not talking about teens here, we’re talking about upperclassman and cougars. These girls, or women, know what they want. So don’t ask them silly questions that will only sidetrack you.

10. “Can you help me with…?”

Fill in the blank here because whatever you insert, the result is going to be the same — failure. Upperclassmen females don’t want to help a younger guy out with anything. They’ve got enough on their plate with graduation and the real world looming. What you are simply providing to them is an escape — an oasis, if you will — from that stressful grind. This is an opportunity for them to rediscover the recklessness of college’s youth and to bone some hot, younger guy that is full of crazy lust.

Anything more complicated makes this transaction less feasible so don’t entangle yourself with words like “sorry,” “help” and “love.” This isn’t your mom; this is some hot 22 year old looking for a good dicking anywhere she can find it. There should never be a need to apologize.

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