10 Comedians Who Need to Become Funny Or Die

By 01.05.11

Margaret Cho

After just watching 10 minutes of her stand-up routine online — with a face that couldn't possibly get any straighter — I determined that I could easily view an entire hour of her awful shtick with a deadly, motion activated explosive strapped to my mouth and I'd have nothing to worry about.
Colin Quinn

The shit that stirs in that head of his may be comedic genius, but by the time he stutters and fumbles it all out it of his mouth it's about as funny as Duchenne's. If delivery and timing are 99% of what it takes to be a good comedian, Quinn is about 4% there at this point.
George Lopez
We get it: Mexican people are discriminated against and they illegally enter this country to work for dirt wages. Is that funny? Hell yes… but not in the same way George thinks it is.

Steve Harvey/Cedric the Entertainer

I have no problem saying that the wrong “King of Comedy” died. Bernie Mac (R.I.P.) bit an unnecessary bullet for these two hacks. And for f*ck's sake, you're grown men. Dress like it.

Larry the Cable Guy/Jeff Foxworthy/Bill Engvall

I'd call out the entire Blue Collar team but I'm giving Ron White clemency because at times he can be funny and he has actually removed himself from the others, saying that he can't go on at a PG rating. My kind of guy. “Get'er done,” “You might be a redneck,” and “Here's your sign,” however, are all terrible and should perish in the most “blue collar” way possible. Getting shot by a sniper who is wearing a confederate flag belt buckle on his Wranglers, a Skynyrd T-shirt (sleeve-free, of course), and smoking a Kool while riding a piece of farm equipment should just about do it.

Jay Leno


Leno's humor — outside of his unintentionally hilarious head-to-toe denim ensembles — is a very small step above knock-knock jokes. How old wedge chin and that giggling idiot, Jimmy Fallon, managed to oust Conan from NBC is a mystery.

Dane Cook


The man manipulated the f*ck out of MySpace/Facebook at the right time and is still cashing in on it. To put it into perspective, he has over a million more fans than Playboy on Facebook. One of his female fans posted this on his wall, “Me and my two lil sisters r getting Su-Fi tattoos! It has a lot of meening to each of us! Thank u 4 being REAL ;-).” First off, sweetheart, if you are old enough to get ink, then you can start writing like a big girl. Our readers don't like that shit. And secondly, how “real” is a comedian whose routine consists of him galloping around the stage like a wounded velocipede while he rips off the material of other, more accomplished comedians (see: Louis CK)? Thieving others brains and using social media doesn't take talent. And his`recent decline (along with your sensational tattoo idea) is a fitting testament to what happens when a retard starts thinking for itself.

Carrot Top

What kind of person goes to a Carrot Top show? Someone please answer that. I mean, I can't even look at him without thinking about cleavers. He could tell the perfect prop joke (if that even exists) and I still don't think anyone would find him the least bit humorous. In fact, hating this big red retard has to be a sign of good mental health.

Carlos Mencia

We get it. Mexican people are… oh wait. We've already gone through this exercise.

Katy Griffin
On second thought, fame has given her multiple chances. She should just die.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Dat Phan
  • Chelsea Handler
  • Ralphie May
  • Wanda Sykes
  • Sinbad
  • Most other female comedians
  • Whoopi Goldberg

TAGScomedianscomedians who aren't funnyFunny or Dietop 10waffles mcbutter

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