The 10 Worst Summer Movies of 2013
Here’s my list of movies you should torrent, just so the film studios that sanctioned their productions will learn a lesson:
10. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
No one really gives a shit about these Percy Jackson movies, so I decided to put it last because most of us won’t even give it the time of day. These are just those last-resort movies you might watch if there is absolutely nothing else on HBO. Most people think Percy Jackson is a Harry Potter knock-off, except most people actually like Harry Potter. No one cares about these movies: Which is justifiable, because the characters are as generic as the free toothbrushes your dentist gives you.
9. World War Z
For a zombie movie that’s supposed to be thrilling and absorbing, this movie was very tedious. Everything happens again and again, just in different settings: Brad Pitt goes to a big city, things are calm, all zombie hell breaks loose, then he dips out of there to another big city. Repeat that formula two or three times and you have just watched one dull ass movie with no real compelling story to draw you in. The only points I’ll give this flick go toward Brad Pitt’s awesome flow that he grew out during shooting. That hair’s been killin’ it lately.
8. The Lone Ranger
Rango, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, The Ring: Three entertaining movies that come from director Gore Verbinski. The guy was on a roll until he fucked up with The Lone Ranger. As with Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp plays Captain Jack Sparrow. Well, on paper Depp plays an Indian named Tonto, but in reality Captain Jack Sparrow plays Tanto. It’s the same exact character, except with added clichéd dialogue that we’d associate with stereotypical Native Americans.
And Christ on a bike, the movie is two-and-a-half hours long. The Dark Knight is allowed to be that long. Not this cartoonish garbage.
7. Girl Most Likely
Finally, a movie about a girl who tries to get her life back together after losing her job and boyfriend. Never seen that one before. Luckily the movie had a limited release so many mainstream cinema-goers didn’t have to re-experience that clichéd movie premise for the thousandth time.
Kristen Wiig pulls off the irresistibly quirky yet sympathetic thirty-something in Bridesmaids, but tries to be so unlikeable in this movie that you kind of hope she never rebounds from her crisis. Also, her character’s name is Imogene Matt Dillon’s calls himself George Bush. How did the writers come up with this shit?
6. The Smurfs 2
I sorta apologize for putting two animated movies on this list. I stand by the fact that this list is dedicated to summer dog shit, which can be served in both live action and animated forms. I mainly placed this one here because I know, deep down in the cockles of my heart, that the man/myth/legend Barney Stinson would strongly disapprove of NPH’s participation in this low-rate kiddie sequel. There are movies for families where both adults and kids will have a good time. This one is made for adults who pay babysitters to take their kids to see it.
Smart move, Mom and Dad.
I feel like I’ve already seen this movie. Wait, wait, yeah I have, IT WAS FUCKING CALLED CARS. This is further evidence that Disney’s been screwing up over the last few years. You’d think they’d stop with these anthropomorphic vehicles after releasing Cars and its sequel, Pixar’s two worst movies revealing the studio is indeed mortal after all. I guess they thought those two flicks didn’t really sell the whole “believe-in-yourself” moral, so they figured three times the charm. Again, in this case, no.
4. The Hangover Part III
A third time can be a charm or it can be a signal to stop doing whatever the hell you’re doing. Part III’s general lack of anything funny in the extremely dark story just makes you wish that what happened in Vegas had stayed in Vegas. Like the second movie, all the personalities of the Wolfpack are overdone to ridiculous excess: Alan’s still a big stupid asshole, Stu is still an annoying nervous wreck, and Phil is still the smooth I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-anything pretty boy. These were all funny the first time. Not the second. And definitely not the third time. The dumbest part of it all is that it’s mostly an action movie instead of a comedy. Like, why?
3. After Earth
This was probably the most boring movie I’ve seen since The Da Vinci Code. The movie only has Will Smith, who plays a dull emotionless soldier, and Jaden Smith, who got the role just because he’s the son of one of the most famous actors in show business. Legacy children get work no matter what, and it’s abundantly clear that Shyamalan didn’t give a damn if he was a good actor or not. These are the only real characters in the entire movie, so 50% of the cast is uninteresting and the other 50% is terrible at acting. You've got a great formula for a shit flick here.
I never knew how many aspects of a movie could possibly be so awful until I saw this one. The chemistry between the two usually talented leads didn’t work whatsoever, the story’s as predictable as mullets in NASCAR, and the CGI is exceptionally terrible for 2013. Everything about the movie clearly rips off Men in Black, except MIB actually did all of those things well for its time and place. My cynical heart felt pretty warm when I heard this movie didn’t even make half its budget back at the box office. The studio should have let this one stay dead.
1. Grown Ups 2
When Adam Sandler played both a guy and his sister in arguably the most unwatchable movie of the decade, you would think he’d tell himself to get his shit together and actually make a movie that people can somewhat enjoy without being blackout drunk. But, as I mentioned earlier, these movies will make you lose faith in our species, and this one really makes you doubt that the four starring comedians were once very good at their jobs.
Filled with deer piss, stupid jokes that make you cringe, and the Twilight douchebag with spiked hair, Sandler’s first sequel is the furthest thing from a career landmark. It exists simply because it can, and that’s pretty fucking sad.