‘The Bachelorette’ Recap, Episodes 3 And 4: The Rise And Fall Of The Chadberry

I think it’s time for #BachNation and I to take a deep breath, because ABC has done it again. The past two night’s episodes, containing four hours of nonstop JUICE, are the exact reasons WHY The Bachelorette is the best show on TV this summer.

I know, I know, Game of Thrones is going on right now, but does that show have a Chad? I haven’t watched a single episode of that overrated series (yeah, I said it…sue me), and I can tell you FOR SURE that there is no Chad.

I had friends texting me the past two nights who I haven’t talked to in years all because of this show. “Is this guy Chad for real?”…. “Is he going to kill someone”….“Why is Evan’s haircut so creepy?”

My reply to them was very simple: “I told you so. “

I have been telling my friends for two to three years now about this franchise. It doesn’t matter if it’s The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or Bachelor In Paradise: every second watching a show hosted by Chris Harrison is worth your time.

I have been called a lot of things for being an open fan of this show and I ate up every insult, because I KNEW. I knew the greatness this show produced every Monday.

I had one particular friend who told me to “hand in my man card” last year when he found out my obsession for this show. You know what I did? I handed in my man card. Last night the exact same friend texted me saying, “you were right, this show is amazing.”

I’m not going to sit here and say I was ahead of The Bachelor trend. What I will say is that I am going to continue to be the leader of the group that states that it’s OKAY for straight males in this country to watch this show and ENJOY IT.

Anyways, enough of my ranting….let’s get to recapping the four of the greatest hours The Bachelorette has ever seen.

 

Goodbyes:

Each week we will pay our respects and say our goodbyes to the men who were eliminated during last night’s rose ceremony and/or left on a random beach in the middle of nowhere (miss you, Olivia).

Christian (LW: 15): My hope is that Christian will become Instagram famous and start selling those teeth whitening devices and belly-flattening tea products. With that money, Christian will then go and buy a new wardrobe that doesn’t include v-necks that go lower than the slim chance he had of ever winning this show.

Prince Ali (LW: 9): I rarely say this, but I legit think that Ali didn’t care when he was eliminated. I wish I had the demeanor this guy has.

Nick (LW: 17): Look on the bright side, Saint Nick: you can tell all your boys back home that JoJo sat on your lap (just don’t mention you were in a Santa Clause costume).

Chad (LW: 1): I was finding it difficult to know where to begin on my goodbye to The Chadberry, so I decided on a Vine of him eating a RAW YAM like it was an apple:

Tuesday at around 10:05 EST was a tough time for me for one simple reason: I’m sad to see Chad go. I’m sad that we didn’t get to meet Chad’s family and friends (I NEED to know who hangs out with this guy on a consistent basis) during hometowns. I’m sad we won’t see anymore Rocky-like workout montages (why the ABC producers didn’t make Chad drink egg yolks is something I’ll always be confounded by). But most of all, I’m just sad that Chad won’t be on my TV screen every Monday anymore…wait, Chad is going to be back next Monday?

Chad, if you are reading this, I just wanted to thank you for everything. I want to thank you for the revelation that my goal in life is to find a woman who I can look at in all sincerity and say, in my best Kanye West voice, “I love you like Chad loves Chad.”

I am counting down the days until “Men Tell All” where Chris Harrison offers Chad a spot on Bachelor In Paradise and he accepts. He will then fall in love with Olivia from Ben’s season in paradise, they will then have the most calculated, heartless and determined kids this world has ever seen.

 

Power Rankings:

Each week I will power rank the competitors who remain. Please know that these power rankings are not who I think is going to win, but instead whom I, personally, like the most. The power rankings will be split into three categories, Bachelorette Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven. Please tell me why I am DEAD WRONG about my power rankings on Twitter —@BigDaddysCourt

  
Bachelorette Hell:
These men are in the pits of Bachelorette despair. I don’t like these guys for either rational or completely irrational reasons that I will explain below.

 

13. Evan (LW: 16):

• The caption to that Vine describes my feelings towards Evan perfectly.
• Can we just talk about how Evan gave the “It’s me or Chad” ultimatum? Buddy, you are not even CLOSE to attractive enough to give that ultimatum (if you are triggered by that please relax. I am apart of the “way too ugly to give ultimatums to dimes” club, so I can make fun of him).
• I also find it hilarious how he didn’t leave after JoJo kept Chad. If you are going to pride yourself like a big, tough, macho man, you better be ready to walk the walk after talking the talk. No surprise that Softer Than Charmin Ultra Evan didn’t leave.
• I wonder if Evan knew he got a sympathy rose on that group date.

 

12. James Taylor (LW: 14):

• This guy has GOT to stop bringing his guitar everywhere. Nobody likes the guy who brings his guitar everywhere.
• Here is my problem with James Taylor: he is too nice and positive. If I am looking for a significant other I am going to spend my life with, I am looking for someone that I can bitch to. I am looking for someone who will sit around and listen to me make fun of that guy on the subway who is wearing those sweatpants that have elastic bands around the ankles. You know what James Taylor would most likely say? “Well, JoJo, maybe he likes the style of them just like you like the style of your dress.” I don’t need that in my life. Allow me to make fun of other people behind their backs, because that is what makes this life fun.

12. Roby (LW: 13):

• This guys hair is really starting to piss me off.

Bachelorette Purgatory:
Think of purgatory just like the current Boston Celtics team. Yes, they have a good team, but they are going to consistently get bounced from the playoffs in the first two rounds because they don’t have a superstar. It’s the same thing for the guys below. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them in a group, but if they ever asked me to get a beer with them I’d make up some stupid excuse, like my non-existent Cat had to go to the hospital. 

10. Napoleon Alex (LW: 12):

• Alex pulled off the upset this week, but now is faced with a daunting challenge: figuring out how to talk to JoJo without bringing up Chad.
• I give him two weeks.
• Are we sure he is taller than JoJo (yes, you social justice warrior, it DOES matter).

9. James F (LW: 11):

• I was starting to like James F, and then he wore the suit to the pool party.
• It wasn’t just that James F wore the suit and then took it off, he wore the suit throughout the pool party. Figure it out, James, figure it out.

8. Wells (LW: 10):

• Wells is going to be the cool dad one day, too bad his children’s mother won’t be JoJo.

7. Vinny (LW:4):

• I honestly can’t believe this guy is still around.
• I wish Vinny would get more screen time. I have a feeling that he is a funny dude and would only add to this show. You can’t be a barber with the name Vinny and not be funny.

6. Grant (LW: 5):

• Grant is honestly just there, and I don’t have much more to say about him rather than that.

5. Derek (LW: 7)

• I’m not necessarily sure how to handicap Derek for the rest of the season. A part of me thinks he is going to make a run to hometowns, but in the end get beaten out. At the end of the day I just don’t see Derek winning this.

4. Danielle (LW: 3):

• I think the Vine above is enough to put Danielle in the top 5. He just has a way with words, sort of like Walt Whitman did.
• I also am putting Danielle this high up, because I had no idea you could compare somebody to Trump, Mussolini, Bush, and Hitler in a 20-second span, but then this happened:

Bachelor Heaven:
These guys, who are usually massive douchebags, are the type of guys I would want to get a beer with.

 3. Jordan (LW: 6):

• I am having a love-hate relationship with Jordan. For example, when he, as a former SEC QB, said he was “dropping dimes” during the football game against a bunch of guys who haven’t played football since high school, I hate Jordan. BUTTTTT when Jordan puts his silky-smooth moves on JoJo, I sit back in awe and wish I had his skills.
• Jordan is this high up because of how he handled his situation with Chad:

• Speaking of the football date, I found it surprising that there wasn’t a scene where Big Ben Roethlisberger gave the guys some dating tips, because you know he has such a great past with women. Big Ben probably didn’t want let his secrets out, and he was too busy eating carrots anyways:

http://imgur.com/2TmNK08

2. Chase (LW: 8):

• I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’ve been calling Chase the dark horse for this season for the past two weeks. Don’t ask me how I knew. My innate ability to know things about The Bachelor/ette weeks before they happen is something I was born with; there is no way to teach it.
• Guys, I want you to think back to the worst blue balls you ever had. Now, I want you to imagine the blue balls Chase had after kissing JoJo, who was straddled across his lap in incredibly sexy yoga apparel. I bet your blue balls experience doesn’t seem that bad anymore, huh?

1. Luke (LW: 2):

• As I watch Luke, I wonder what it’s like to be a man’s man. I have never been a man’s man and never will be. You see, if I was on a date and there was a flat tire there would be one thing I would be able to do, and that would be pulling out my Triple A card and calling someone to change the flat tire for me. I would not be getting out of the car and changing the flat tire, because I would have zero idea what to do.
• Luke is the man I wish I could be, but know I never will be.

 

Awards:

Moment Of The Night:

 

I have never seen such dominance in my entire life….ever.

 

Awkward Moment Of The Night:

If you have a Vine/video of a worst failed attempt at a kiss, please Tweet it to me @BigDaddysCourt, because I don’t think there is a worse one out there.

 

 

Internet Moment Of The Night:

 

Quote Of The Night:

ROID RAGEEEEE

 

The Act Like You’ve Been There Before Award:

If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”

 

 

I was thinking about sending this Vine to the Museum of Natural History, because this is the greatest flinch this world has ever seen and it needs to be saved for future generations to see.

I love how Evan said “don’t you dare touch me.” He was too flustered to finish the sentence, so I’ll do that for Evan, “don’t you dare touch me, my dad will sue you” was what he meant to say.

I can only imagine the bowel movements that happened when Chad pointed his finger at Evan. I was surprised that Evan didn’t demand a new pair of underwear along with the apology and t-shirt he wanted after Chad emasculated him on national TV.

 

Hardo Of The Night:

Noun- A hardo is a person who tries extremely hard at everything. Most times a hardo will try very hard at things that do not require excessive effort.

 

I am going to miss the Danielle-Chad bromance.

 

Let me know your thoughts on last nights episode over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt (I follow back)!