‘The Cake Boss’ Is A Fucking Clown

by 3 years ago
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You can’t arrest me! I’m the Cake Boss!” — Buddy “Cake Boss” Valastro to NYPD during DWI stop

 

Even if he weren’t “allegedly” driving under the influence, Buddy Valastro should have been cuffed for attempting to use his mastery of confections to skate off on getting behind the wheel of his car after drinking.

“Hey, I make a nice, rich butter cream, so don’t arrest me for doing something that often results in over 10,000 deaths a year  — often ending the lives of completely innocent bystanders!”  He was only swerving behind the wheel of a Corvette, a machine that could easily reach speeds way to extreme for a master of the whisk such as Valstro.

According to the New York Post, Valastro blew a 0.108 blood alcohol on the Breathalyzer which is above the 0.08 legal limit. Speaking of blowing, I’ve long thought Valastro was worthless beyond baking biscuits but this recent attempt at using status to get out out jail free was the real — every pun intended — icing on the cake. I’ve seen him on TV numerous times and thought “this guy is famous for fucking cakes.” Cakes. There are literally thousands of talented people across the country who do the EXACT same thing he does, and probably better, and don’t have people lined up outside their store because someone was smart (or dumb) enough to put him on TV.

Valastro issued a statement after his big night on the town, stating “Please know that I want to share and explain to you what happened today and I look forward to doing so at a later date. I appreciate your support and understanding as we handle things privately as a family.”

Let me explain how I didn’t just call a cab or take the Path back to Hoboken. “I CAN’T TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION! I’M THE CAKE BOSS!”

Maybe my disgust shouldn’t be aimed at Valastro but more towards the people who line up outside his Hoboken bakery for hour just to buy a fucking cannoli or the millions of people who tune in each week to watch “The Cake Boss” interact with his family and coworkers with whatever is on the script that week. Maybe I should hate those morons as well.

Nope. The guy who thinks he’s above the law because of fondant and three layer cakes is the real bad guy.

H/T Gothamist 


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