I’ve never indulged in anime or manga. Not even anime porn. I have nothing against it. If a woman being pleasured by eight tentacles of an octopus-man hybrid beast is your thing then that’s cool. Do you. So instead of me pretending that I am an anime junkie I will be honest and comment on this first trailer of Ghost in the Shell with my dumb as a rock commentary.
The trailer starts out with Scarlett Johansson .
That’s a good start.
There’s a person in a white and red mask walking down an illuminated floor like the one Michael Jackson walked on in the “Billie Jea” music video.
Wait. Did they just culturally appropriate Star Wars culture? The person looks just like Natalie Portman’s character in Star Wars!?!? Oh. Star Wars probably culturally appropriated or honored Japanese kabuki costumes.
THERE’S SCARLET JOHANNSON!!!
The geisha woman spilled his sake all over some dude. There goes her 20% tip.
Oh man! The kabuki character is a robot spider!!! Who saw that coming?!?!?
Now there’s a whole lotta dudes with automatic gun spraying bullets and totally ruining the sushi party. Don’t cry over spilt soy sauce.
SCARLETT IS GOING STREAKING!!!
False alarm, she has a skin-tight outfit on underneath her coat. I’m taking off points for that.
She cocked her gun and jumped off a skyscraper. But she then smashes through a window in the building like every action movie. She then does some Matrix shit and blasts some men in suits who are really slow.
SCARLETT ISN’T SCARLETT! SCARLETT IS SOME SEXY ROBOT HUMANOID LIKE THAT TOTALLY HOT MACHINA ROBOT CHICK!!!
And she’s a robot who understands the complex communication of sarcasm.
Member when some weirdo spent a year and a half and $50,000 of his own money to make a life-like Scarlett Johannson robot and he did so for research and totally not to bang it like a drum.
SCARLETT IS GONNA LEZ OUT WITH THIS GIRL WITH A LOT OF FRECKLES!!!
WHY DID THEY CUT AWAY AFTER THE KISS!?!?!
Apparently, there’s an evil organization named HANKA that makes virtual reality headsets or sunglasses.
There’s some Westworld type of shit where fake people are made from liquid or some shit.
OH FUCK! SCARLETT HAS AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK AND CAN SUCKER PUNCH THE FUCK OUTTA PEOPLE!!!
More people in masks getting shot. Mental Note: Don’t wear masks and skip Halloween next year.
Some guy with teenie tiny glasses in his eyes forgot to dye his hair or beard I’m not sure which.
STRIP CLUB SCENE! JACKPOT!!!
There’s some monks with large anal beads around their necks.
Some dude just self-immolated himself. Monks love self-immolation.
Then there’s a sea of zombies all dressed in black, but Negan or Rick are nowhere to be found.
Some weird ass room with wires everywhere. Get a bag of zip ties and organize that shit you fucking slobs.
Now the monks are in the room with the sloppy wires.
Scarlett joins the monks who are in a circle. They’re probably going to do some ayahuasca ceremony and find some really powerful personal introspection.
That’s it. Looks action-packed and despite knowing nothing about the story or anime I want to definitely check it out.
Here’s the official synopsis for Ghost in the Shell:
Based on the internationally-acclaimed sci-fi property, Ghost in the Shell follows the Major, a special ops, one-of-a-kind human-cyborg hybrid, who leads the elite task force Section 9. Devoted to stopping the most dangerous criminals and extremists, Section 9 is faced with an enemy whose singular goal is to wipe out Hanka Robotic’s advancements in cyber technology.
That’s pretty much what I said.
Ghost in the Shell stars Pilou Asbaek, Michael Pitt, Takeshi Kitano, Juliette Binoche, Kaori Momoi, and Chin Han, and directed by Rupert Sanders. Ghost in the Shell will be released on March 31, 2017.