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Let me kick this off by saying that I hate pop radio. Pop radio is so goddamn bad nowadays that I can taste it in my spit every time I get in my car. It is a cacophonous cum dumpster of music, a perfect distillation of all that’s truly dreadful in this horrible world of ours. Pop is a shallow genre that only interests me because tons of artists look and act like they belong in the new season of American Horror Story.
I HATE it. But we’re stuck with it, and we instinctively keep up with it whether we want to or not. If you listen to a Top 10 pop station for 10 minutes, you’ll undoubtedly hear Iggy Azalea or Nicki Minaj. If you listen for 10 more minutes, you’ll KEEP hearing Iggy Azalea or Nicki Minaj. That’s the simple cycle that every lucrative record label abides by until we decide to pull a Vincent van Gogh and cut our ears off.
Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj are the most recognizable artists in the game right now. Both are usually sitting atop the Billboard Hot 100. Both would rather rap than sing for reasons extremely unclear. Both have perfectly engineered asses that are more popular than they are.
So yeah, THEY’RE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON. Even though Nicki said she didn’t mean to diss Iggy at the BET Awards, she probably did. They may not say it or think it, but I know there’s a feud brewing. It doesn’t matter if they collaborate soon or go on pretending the other doesn’t exist; they’ll always feud simply because they’re so similar.
To end this imaginary battle, I’ll analyze their two most important assets: music and smokeshowness.
Music
Considering Nicki’s been around for a while and Iggy’s fresh on the scene, it’s tough to judge their music side by side. The fact that I hate many (but not all) of their singles also makes this a daunting task. I’m the least qualified person to do this, but I’ll take a crack at it anyway.
Iggy Azalea
I think we can all agree that Iggy isn’t complaining about 2014 at all. That girl has fucking killed it this year. ‘Fancy’ sat comfortably at #1 for seven straight weeks and was eventually named Billboard’s #1 Song of the Summer (pour one out for that lame band Magic! You can’t be Canadian AND make reggae music, bros. ‘Fancy’ was officially released in February, so the race was over before the gun even went off). I personally enjoyed the song and video, mostly because of the Clueless parody. My movie nostalgia really swayed me in this particular instance.
She followed that up with ‘Black Widow,’ which didn’t quite do it for me. I liked ‘Fancy’ because it had that rare kind of beat that’s more powerful and confident than dance-y. ‘Black Widow’ was the other way around. But I loved the music video for the same reason I loved the ‘Fancy’ music video: good old-fashioned film references. It’s a detailed tribute to Quentin Tarantino movies, all the way down to the actor playing the villainous asshole.
‘Black Widow’ didn’t do as well as ‘Fancy,’ only peaking at #4. Don’t slip, Iggy. Please don’t be on Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes’ level soon.
Nicki Minaj
Like I said, Nicki Minaj has been trolling the block way longer than Iggy. She’s had almost too many singles, both as a lead and featured artist. That song she had with will.i.am could’ve been mistaken for an Auto-Tune barfing up falafel on Christina Aguilera, so I’m glad she followed that with ‘Super Bass’ and ‘Starships,’ which I enjoyed. ‘Anaconda’ was pretty damn terrible, even though the music video vividly portrayed the inner machinations of her gluteal muscles, which I’ll discuss in the Smokeshowness section.
Nicki was okay until I remembered ‘Beez in the Trap.’ Jesus Christ on a cracker, this song. It’s these kinds of songs that cause earthquakes in Bangladesh and attract girls to prostitution. When I listen to this song, I hear a worse version of this and I don’t know why. I honestly feel bad for the people who run lyrics websites for having to transcribe this ridiculous nonsense.
‘Beez in the Trap’ had to have taken five minutes to write. At most. I get how Nicki needs to weave in between her rapper and slut personas, but she went so basic here that it looked stupid. Pumpkin-spiced basic.
Smokeshowness
Volumes could be written about these two women’s bodies, but I’m gonna keep this section short. There’s not much I can say about these two specimens of human evolution that you haven’t already thought about, long and hard, in the middle of the night, when you’re lonely, on Valentine’s Day.
Iggy Azalea
ASS. So much ass. Too much ass. She should be named Iggy Assalea, AMIRITE? Her ass is absurd, and her hips are absurd because her ass is absurd. Everything below the belt is one big domino effect of absurdity.
However, in my dead honest opinion, that’s really all she has going for her. Her face seems plastic, as if her jaw is in pain every time she speaks in an interview. She looks like the Wayans brothers after they become white chicks in White Chicks.
Nicki Minaj
Again, ass for days. Except Nicki flaunts it more often, which is super chill. ‘Anaconda’ is the prime example of her signature showboating, and we can safely assume that every guy who viewed that music video re-experienced the fruits of manhood.
All you have to do is see her in a video or concert to be convinced that she’s stacked in more ways than one. Her body is something out of a John Mayer song. Of course every attractive aspect of her appearance is probably silicone of the highest caliber, but she manages to look hot without looking grossly fake.
I’m gonna go watch their entire Vevo channels now. I suggest you do the same.
We’re finished here.
[Images: Kobby Dagan / Shutterstock.com ; s_bukley / Shutterstock.com]