What did you do this weekend, Bros? Chill?
Hmmm. I bet you did. And I wonder why. Is it because chilling is dope as fuck?
Yea. That’s the answer. We here love chilling and being chill. Which is why we break down television entertainment’s most non-chill show, Game of Thrones, each week to try and find the chill.
First up, as always, the losers from Episode Three, Oathbreaker.
The Three Eyed Raven
Is it just me or does this jack off remind anyone of Mathis’s shitty character doing Texas Hold ‘Em exposition in Casino Royale?
“750,000 in the pot. Bond must go all in to call.”
Fuck that dude.
Chill Bro Points: -1,000
Lord Varys
So… is … is he a pedophile? I know he doesn’t have a dick, but they really made him seem like a pedophile with that cut to all his “birds.”
Chill Bro Points: -500
Cersei Lannister
If seven years in corporate America taught me one thing, it’s never trust the person who wants to sit in a meeting.
Chill Bro Points: -100
Tyrion Lannister
Nothing sucks more than people trying to make small talk.
Chill Bro Points: -50
Now, the chillax mother fuckers.
5. Olenna Tyrell
Just a quality burn.
Chill Bro Points: 250
4. Ser Arthur Dayne
Dude has two swords. Two.
Chill Bro Points: 500
3. Ser Alliser Thorne
There’s nothing quite like being able to tell a guy what’s up AFTER you killed him.
Chill Bro Points: 750
2. Jon Snow
Wait. I take that back. There’s nothing quite like killing a guy AFTER he already killed you.
Chill Bro Points: 1,000
1. Tormund Giantsbane
If you’ll allow me a little story here. The Monday after Jordan Spieth’s Masters’ meltdown, I was listening to Mike and Mike. The two were having a debate as to when Spieth’s closest friends could call him and give him shit. One day, two days, three days? The consensus was that they should give him some time to cool off before fucking with him.
Bullshit, I thought. You fuck with your best friends right away. Well, less than week later, my best friend called me with some really terrible news. I won’t get into it, but it was the kind of shit that left him, let’s just say, I’ve known him since 1999 and I’ve never heard him like this. We were talking and chatting and I was consoling him, but the first instance I saw to make a mean joke, I hestitated only for a second before letting it fly. He let out a big laugh and said, “Thanks, I needed to that.”
Which is to say, your best friends are the ones who won’t wait, who won’t give you time, who know exactly the kind of ribbing you need when shit hits the fan. Who will make you laugh when you need to, even when you think you can’t.
So when your good friend is terrified because he’s just been raised from the dead, the best thing you can do for him is tell him he’s got a little dick.
Chill Bro Points: 1,500
Now, for the standings after three episodes. Disagree? Let’s do it in the comments.
24. Jamie Lannister: -2,100
23. The Three Eyed Raven: -1,000
22. Yara Greyjoy: -1,000
21. Lord Varys: -500
20. Ser Davos Seaworth: -250
19. Those Two Idiot Dothraki Bros: : -200
18. Cersei Lannister: -100
T-15. Tyrion Lannister: -50
T-15. The High Septon: -50.
T-15. The Bernie Sanders Mother Fucker From Episode One: -50
14. Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont’s Horses: 50
13. The Waif: 175
12. Roose Bolton: 200
T-10. Wun Wer Wun Dar Wun: 250
T-10. Olenna Tyrell: 250
9. Arya Stark: 300
8. Ser Robert Strong: 350
7. Theon Greyjoy: 400
T-4. Rhaegal and Viserion: 500
T-4. Ser Arthur Dayne: 500
T-4. Jon Snow 500
3. Ser Alliser Thorne: 750
2. Tormund Giantsbane: 1,500
1. Ellaria Sand: 2,000