Can’t talk, too much chill.
But first, they few not chill folks from last night’s fantastic episode, The Battle of the Bastards.
Melisandre
Bring the giant back to life, bring the giant back to life WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT BRING THE GIANT BACK TO LIFE??
You better bring the fucking giant back to life.
Chill Bro Points: -250,000
The Knights of the Vale
If we have one inarguable stance in this column, it’s that melodramatically making your entrance at the expense of the lives of many, many other people you could be helping is not chill.
Chill Bro Points -200
These Massive Corpse Orgy Mounds
Gross.
Chill Bro Points -100
Now, our favorites. We had to go over our usual five Bros, because gosh dang it, there was just so much fucking chill last night.
8. Tormund Giantsbane
Was completely and utter chill in battle. But I’m wondering, when did he become the wilding Amelia Bedalia?
Chill Bro Points: 100
7. Grey Worm
That, my friends, was some good ass knife slashing.
Chill Bro Points: 150
6. Daenerys Targaryen
Yara Greyjoy: I know, we can smash Westeros up with a baseball bat.
Daenery Targaryen: No baseball bat.
Chill Bro Points: 250
5. Daario Naharis
Look how joyful and blissful he is riding into battle on a horse. Find something in life that makes you that happy, Bros, even if it is indiscriminate slaughter.
Okay, maybe not if it’s indiscriminate slaughter.
Chill Bro Points: 500
4. Drogon
Now that, THAT, is how you god damn Dragon.
Chill Bro Points: 15,000
3. Jon Snow
I think that picture says it better than any words I could write.
Chill Bro Points: 50,000
2. Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun
If there’s a more valiant way of dying than smashing through a castle door and being brought down by a slew of approximately 75,000 arrow, I can’t think of it.
Chill Bro Points: 250,000
1. Sansa Stark
Stud.
Chill Bro Points: 350,000
Disa-fucking-gree? Comments, my friends.
And now the rankings after nine episodes.
53. Melisandre: -250,500
52. Daenerys Targaryen: -13,750
51. The Children of the Forest: -10,000
T-49.The Hound: -5,000
T-49. Randall Tarly: -5,000
48. Jamie Lannister: -2,350
47. The High Sparrow: -1,900
46. Yara Greyjoy: -1,375
45. Tyrion Lannister: -1,050
T-41. The Original Three Eyed Raven: -1,000
T-41. Bran Stark: -1,000
T-41. Robert Glover: -1,000
T-41. Samwell Tarly: -1,000
40. Lyanna Mormont: -750
T-36. Septa Mordant: -500
T-36. Lord Varys: -500
T-36. Euron Greyjoy -500
T-36. Loras Tyrell: -500
35. Brynden Tully: -475
T-33. The Masters: -250
T-33. Ser Davos Seaworth: -250
T-31. Those Two Idiot Dothraki Bros: -200
T-31. The Knights of the Vale: -200
T-29. Jorah Mormont: -100
T-29. The Massive Corpse Orgy Mounds: -100
28. The Bernie Sanders Mother Fucker From Episode One: -50
27. The Waif: -25
26. Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont’s Horses: 50
25. Cersei Lannister: 100
24. Grey Worm: 150
T-22. Roose Bolton: 200
T-22. The Dude Sucking On Some Titties: 200
T-20. Olenna Tyrell: 250
T-20. Brienne of Tarth: 250
T-17: The Dothraki: 400
T-17. Theon Greyjoy: 400
T-17. Robyn Arryn’s Gyrfalcon: 400
T-14. Ser Bronn: 500
T-14. Rhaegal and Viserion: 500
T-14. Ser Arthur Dayne: 500
13. The Mountain: 600
12. Arya Stark: 700
11. Ser Alliser Thorne: 750
10. Daario Naharis: 1,500
9. Tormund Giantsbane: 1,700
8. Ellaria Sand: 2,000
7. Lady Crane: 5,000
6. King Tommen Baratheon: 24,500
5. Drogon: 35,000
4. Jon Snow 50,500
3. Wun Wer Wun Dar Wun: 250,250
2. Sansa Stark: 350,300
1. Hodor: 27,000,000