Who Were The Chillest Bros On Last Night’s ‘Game Of Thrones?’

by 2 years ago

If chill were to be found on a map in Westeros, it would be somewhere near Quarth. Inaccessible, out of the way, in parts unknown. That’s because this show has no damn chill.

But we dig the chill back here, because chill is chill. Which is why we rank every episode, searching for those chill bros we love.

But first, the not so chill from Episode 5: The Door.

The Children of the Forest

the-children-of-the-forest

HBO


This was the Westerosi equivalent of arming the mujahideen in 1980s Afghanistan.

Chill Bro Points: -10,000

Bran Stark

bran

HBO


You fucked up.

Repeatedly.

Chill Bro Points: -1,000

Euron Greyjoy

euron-greyjoy

HBO


His desire to kill Yara and Theon after winning the Kingsmoot was the polar opposite of when Gunnar Stahl got stopped by Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney to lose the Junior Goodwill Games and said “Let’s go shake their hands

Chill Bro Points: -500

Jorah Mormont

jorah-mormont

HBO


Telling a girl you love her in front of the dude she is fucking is … it’s not chill, that’s for damn sure.

Chill Bro Points: -100

Now, our favorite part: The Chill Bros.

5. The Waif

the-waif

HBO


“Hahaha, what, you think I need a stick to beat your ass?”

Chill Bro Points: 150

4. Yara Greyjoy

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HBO


She straight up went Bush v. Gore on the results of that Kingsmoot.

Chill Bro Points: 250

3. Sansa Stark

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HBO


Starting to hustle. Gotta respect that.

Chill Bro Points: 300

2. Daenerys Targaryen

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HBO


Get you a man that believes in you the way Obama does Biden and Khaleesi does Jorah.

Chill Bro Points: 1,000

1. Hodor

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HBO


In terms of sheer badassness, I thought nothing could ever top Jon Snow slugging an ale and chopping a man’s head off. For that performance, he was awarded a record 500,000 chill bro points. This scene with Hodor was about 54 times cooler than that, so by my completely infallible system, I have no choice but to award him twenty seven million points.

Even that feels low. R.I.P., Bro. You were too chill for this world.

Chill Bro Points: 27,000,000

Now for the standings after five episodes. Disagree? Comments, mother fucker.

36. The Children of the Forest: -10,000

35. Daenerys Targaryen: -9,000

34. Jamie Lannister: -2,100

T-32. The Three Eyed Raven: -1,000

T-32. Bran Stark: -1,000

31. Yara Greyjoy: -7500

T-27. Lord Varys: -500

T-27. Euron Greyjoy -500

T-27. Melisandre -500

T-27. Loras Tyrell: -500

26. Ser Davos Seaworth: -250

25. Those Two Idiot Dothraki Bros: : -200

24. The High Septon: -150.

23. Jorah Mormony: -100

T-21. Tyrion Lannister: -50

T-21. The Bernie Sanders Mother Fucker From Episode One: -50

20. Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont’s Horses: 50

19. Cersei Lannister : 100

18. Roose Bolton: 200

17. The Waif: 225

T-14. Wun Wer Wun Dar Wun: 250

T-14. Olenna Tyrell: 250

T-14. Brienne of Tarth: 250

T-12. Sansa Stark: 300

T-12. Arya Stark: 300

11. Ser Robert Strong: 350

10. Theon Greyjoy: 400

9. Robyn Arryn’s Gyrfalcon: 400

T-6. Rhaegal and Viserion: 500

T-6. Ser Arthur Dayne: 500

T-6. Jon Snow 500

5. Ser Alliser Thorne: 750

4. Daario Naharis: 1,000

3. Tormund Giantsbane: 1,600

2. Ellaria Sand: 2,000

1. Hodor: 27,000,000


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