If chill were to be found on a map in Westeros, it would be somewhere near Quarth. Inaccessible, out of the way, in parts unknown. That’s because this show has no damn chill.
But we dig the chill back here, because chill is chill. Which is why we rank every episode, searching for those chill bros we love.
But first, the not so chill from Episode 5: The Door.
The Children of the Forest
This was the Westerosi equivalent of arming the mujahideen in 1980s Afghanistan.
Chill Bro Points: -10,000
Bran Stark
You fucked up.
Repeatedly.
Chill Bro Points: -1,000
Euron Greyjoy
His desire to kill Yara and Theon after winning the Kingsmoot was the polar opposite of when Gunnar Stahl got stopped by Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney to lose the Junior Goodwill Games and said “Let’s go shake their hands”
Chill Bro Points: -500
Jorah Mormont
Telling a girl you love her in front of the dude she is fucking is … it’s not chill, that’s for damn sure.
Chill Bro Points: -100
Now, our favorite part: The Chill Bros.
5. The Waif
“Hahaha, what, you think I need a stick to beat your ass?”
Chill Bro Points: 150
4. Yara Greyjoy
She straight up went Bush v. Gore on the results of that Kingsmoot.
Chill Bro Points: 250
3. Sansa Stark
Starting to hustle. Gotta respect that.
Chill Bro Points: 300
2. Daenerys Targaryen
Get you a man that believes in you the way Obama does Biden and Khaleesi does Jorah.
Chill Bro Points: 1,000
1. Hodor
In terms of sheer badassness, I thought nothing could ever top Jon Snow slugging an ale and chopping a man’s head off. For that performance, he was awarded a record 500,000 chill bro points. This scene with Hodor was about 54 times cooler than that, so by my completely infallible system, I have no choice but to award him twenty seven million points.
Even that feels low. R.I.P., Bro. You were too chill for this world.
Chill Bro Points: 27,000,000
Now for the standings after five episodes. Disagree? Comments, mother fucker.
36. The Children of the Forest: -10,000
35. Daenerys Targaryen: -9,000
34. Jamie Lannister: -2,100
T-32. The Three Eyed Raven: -1,000
T-32. Bran Stark: -1,000
31. Yara Greyjoy: -7500
T-27. Lord Varys: -500
T-27. Euron Greyjoy -500
T-27. Melisandre -500
T-27. Loras Tyrell: -500
26. Ser Davos Seaworth: -250
25. Those Two Idiot Dothraki Bros: : -200
24. The High Septon: -150.
23. Jorah Mormony: -100
T-21. Tyrion Lannister: -50
T-21. The Bernie Sanders Mother Fucker From Episode One: -50
20. Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont’s Horses: 50
19. Cersei Lannister : 100
18. Roose Bolton: 200
17. The Waif: 225
T-14. Wun Wer Wun Dar Wun: 250
T-14. Olenna Tyrell: 250
T-14. Brienne of Tarth: 250
T-12. Sansa Stark: 300
T-12. Arya Stark: 300
11. Ser Robert Strong: 350
10. Theon Greyjoy: 400
9. Robyn Arryn’s Gyrfalcon: 400
T-6. Rhaegal and Viserion: 500
T-6. Ser Arthur Dayne: 500
T-6. Jon Snow 500
5. Ser Alliser Thorne: 750
4. Daario Naharis: 1,000
3. Tormund Giantsbane: 1,600
2. Ellaria Sand: 2,000
1. Hodor: 27,000,000