Who Was The Chillest Bro On This Season Of ‘Game Of Thrones?’

by 2 years ago  •  9 Comments
jaqen-house-of-black-and-white

HBO

What is chill? In the real world, a lot of things. Listening to country music. Drinking beer. Chillin’. All those things are chill.

But how does pounding Bud Light and jamming out to Jason Aldean translate to the world of fantasy and magic?

This season of Game of Thrones, I spend ten weeks trying to figure that out.

It was difficult. Is mass murder chill? No. Is having sex with a hot queen chill? Yes. What about having sex with a hot queen while authorizing mass murder chill?

This is where things get dicey.

But thankfully, all season to guide us, we’ve had the Game of Thrones Chill Bro Rankings.

Here are our final standings for Season Five.

Ramsey Bolton: Disqualified

ramsey-bolton

HBO

It takes a lot for a chill Bro like myself to completely cast you out of the world of chill.

45. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss: Negative A Billion

Three good episodes, two really terrible ones, and a billion attempts to rebrand misogyny as chill. Well, I’ve got news for you. It is not.

44. Stannis Baratheon: -100,100

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HBO

Stannis’ failed march to the Iron Throne had all the grace, nuance, and thought of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum in a Toys “R” Us, only with a million more people dying.

43. Cersei Lannister: -10,700

Wouldn’t know what chill is with a thermostat and a tank of liquid nitrogen.

42: Lord Petyr Baelish: -10,000

Really wanting to fuck a traumatized teen girl is not okay in my book.

41. Ser Jorah Mormont: -4,800

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HBO

Obviously, did some things right at the end, but we can’t ignore the kidnapping and the lying about carrying an infectious, deadly disease. Just not chill things to do.

40. Drogon: -1,500

Bitch ass dragon is a bitch. Story at 11.

39. The Sparrows: -1,000

Stealing another man’s booze is not cool. Destroying an entire city’s supply is one of the worst things a group of humans could do.

38. Brienne of Tarth: -1,100

She needs to take a fucking Xanax.

37. The Sons of The Harpy: -300

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HBO

I actually thought these guys were pretty cool.

36. Meryn Trant: -250

So this season had two incidents of old dudes trying to fuck traumatized teen girls. Okay.

35. Arya Stark: -200

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HBO

2 Millennial 2 Care

34. Daario Naharis: -125

Kinda was a bitch about a lot of things, no? Talked to much, too.

33. Melisandre: -100

Yea. She uhhh … she wasn’t the best.

32. Samwell Tarly: -50

samwell-tarly

HBO

From nominating Jon for Lord Commander to leaving for the Citadel, literally everything he did this season helped get his best friend killed.

No one would call a guy who gets his best friend killed “chill.”

Also, book learnin’s for the queers.

31. The Dude Boning Loras Tyrell: 0

Played with some dick, sold out an entire family. You win some, you lose some.

T-25. Areo Hotah: 100

Was a very loyal servant to the Dornish crown.

T-25. Winter: 100

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HBO

Did not do much but be itself and being yourself is super chill.

T-25. Bronn the Sellsword: 100

Kinda thirsty, no?

T-25. Kevan Lannister: 100

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HBO

Walked out of a seat on the Small Council in protest. Respect.

T-25. Mance Rayder: 100

Took his fire death like a god damn boss.

T-25: King Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name: 100

Did not receive enough negative points for letting an entire city fall apart because he wasn’t getting laid and missed his mom. Should have had more negative points.

24. Myrcella Baratheon: 200

Whatever.

23. The Night’s King: 250

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HBO

Can’t be unchill when you are undead.

T-20. Lord Varys: 400

How he popped up out of nowhere at the end was very dope.

T-20. The Unsullied: 400

Not not chill, but not chill either.

T-20. Ser Davos Seaworth: 400

Didn’t want a girl to be burned to death at the stake. That counts for a lot.

T-16. The Wall: 500

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HBO

Boss.

T-16. Rhaegal And Viserion: 500

If you had to pick between emo dragons and not emo dragons, you would always pick the not emo dragons.

T-16. Poderick: 500

The only happy-go-lucky man in all of Westeros.

T-16. The Sand Snakes: 500

Meh.

15. Maester Aemon: 600

Dead.

14. Tyrion Lannister: 700

tyrion-lannister

HBO

Boozed it up. Made some good choices. Is now poised to do some cool shit. Beat a guy up with a chain. Chill abounds with this little man.

T-12. Ser Allister Thorne: 750

Of all the rankings, I probably fucked this one up the most.

T-12: Theon Greyjoy: 750

Wait. Never mind. I have no idea how Theon wound up this high as well. I am not good at this.

T-9. Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun: 1,000

I just really like when he said “TOOOORMUUUUND.”

T-9. Ghost: 1,000

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HBO

Game of Thrones strongest anti-rape advocate.

T-9. Roose Bolton: 1,000

Maybe the only dude on this show who knows what the fuck is up, fucked up as his people may be.

8. Ser Barristan Selmy: 1,300

Went down with a damn good fight.

7. Grey Worm: 1,700

Super chill. Tried to bone while injured, tried to go rescue Danny while injured. Did not succeed either time, but both good job and good effort.

6. The High Sparrow: 1,900

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HBO

Mike Trout-like season.

T-4. The Mountain: 5,000

Did nothing all season except lie on a bed. Can’t disrespect that.

T-4. Tormund Giantsbane: 5,000

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HBO

Look at that look. Are you gonna tell him he’s not chill? I’m not gonna tell him.

3. Jaqen H’ghar: 9,750

Despite what appears to be piss poor tutelage skills and a lot of stick wackin’, he’s just too fucking cool to hate.

2. Daenerys Targaryen: 11,000

She really shouldn’t be ranked this high. But you know, she did kill a lot of people with a dragon, which, contrary to what I said in the intro, is chill.

1. Jon Snow: 199,950

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HBO

Really, was there ever any doubt?

Thank you everyone who read this, and especially all of you who commented. It was really a blast to do (as dumb an idea as it was) and I’m looking forward to next season. 

If you disagree with anything, bring it to the comments. 


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