Gerard Butler Reportedly Broke Up With Model Girlfriend After Having Difficulties Saying No To Thirsty Girls

When I start to get that feeling that the world is conspiring against me and begin to get down on myself, I try to recalibrate by thinking about one of those children in India who have the ginormous hands and doctors are like “yo bro I’m stumped.” Understanding that there’s always someone who has it worse is the best way I know how to avoid slipping into a deep, dark depression.

Today, I take solace in the fact that Gerard Butler, 47-year-old A-list movie star, broke up with his former model girlfriend Morgan Brown after a source close to the actor claimed that girls thirst over the Butler so much, it started to take its toll.

“Girls throw themselves at him,” a source told Page Six. “It’s hard for him to constantly say, ‘No. Get away from me. I have a girlfriend.’”

Pictured: A Serbian woman playing her best hand at a night club in Belgrade.

Tragic. Truly fucking tragic. I feel like we should set up a GoFundMe or something. It’s the holiday season so if you don’t mind contributing $1 for the famous stable of women Butler’s loved and lost, I’m sure that would bolster his spirits and his $30 million net worth.

Rosario Dawson

Naomi Campbell

Jennifer Aniston 

Lindsay Lohan

Jessica Biel

Ashley Greene

I hope Gerard gets back on his feet soon. Because he’s probably laying down fucking right now.

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.