How To Pay For College In The Most Unconventional Ways Imaginable, Including Mooching Off Your Trust Fund Friends

By 07.01.17
Presented By
Warner Bros.

Good news, America! Collectively we owe $1.4 trillion in student loan debt, with the average 2016 graduate on the hook for over $37,000, up 6% from last year! I know I’m not alone when I say Sallie Mae may be the first girl who’s tried to screw me who I haven’t responded to. But, the less you give her, the more she asks for. Truly the ultimate Stage 5 Clinger.

The sad reality of higher education is that the odds of us waking up tomorrow with our debt forgiven is about as good as a pack of freshman dudes with no beer getting into an off-campus party. One way or another, we will all eventually have to smash open our piggy banks and cough up the cash to the institution whose only prevailing lesson was how to make it through an entire semester without buying the textbook.

But hey, look on the bright side: if it weren’t for college, how else were you going to acquire a moderate to severe drinking problem? And what were you going to do while all your other friends were in school—learn a practical trade and get a four year jumpstart on your career, entirely debt free? Come on, man, put the cap back on your crazy pills.

We should take comfort in the fact that there are 44 million of us desperately trying to figure out a way to pay off our astronomical loans with a salary that can hardly pay for a gym membership. But, FEAR NOT. I am here to help all you whipper snappers out there who are still in college and whose parents are sticking you with the tuition bill.

Will Ferrell and Amy Poheler’s new comedy, The House, is a hilarious take on a suburban family’s struggle to pay for the daughter’s education. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so they open an illegal suburban casino, attracting degenerates from all walks of life.

 

Go see The House, in theaters nationwide right now!

STEAL YOUR ROOMMATE’S ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND SELL IT TO THE FIRST GUY ON CAMPUS YOU SEE WITH A PONY TAIL.

Better yet, sell it to the first guy named ‘Chad’ you can find on campus. No one named Chad has ever passed up an opportunity to play three chords of ‘Wonderwall’ on repeat outside the all-female dorm. He may try to pay you in vape pens, sea shell chokers, or henna tattoos, but if you stick to your guns, he’ll cough up the cash out of his chain wallet.

CALL GRANDMA ONCE A SEMESTER AND TELL YOU YOU NEVER RECEIVED HER BIRTHDAY CARD. 

Sure, stealing from your grandmother is considered “frowned upon” in this snowflake society, but what else is your gramma going to spend her retirement money on—another pair of velcro shoes? A lifetime supply of Werther’s Originals? Plus, as the old saying goes, “you can’t spend it when you’re dead.” The truth hurts grandma. I accept Venmo.

CREATE AN APP.

Do you know there’s an app out there whose only function is to tell you whether or not it’s dark outside? Literally: “No, it is not dark.” ”Yes, it is dark.” Beyond stupid, no? Well tell that to the creator WHEN HE LANDS IN HIS PRIVATE MOTHERFUCKING HELICOPTER.

All you gotta do it come up with a simple idea and hire some nerd burger to do all the backend work.

Here’s my idea, patent pending: Hi Sharks! I am here to pitch my online news and social networking service where users post and interact with messages, restricted to 141 characters. I call it Twitters. We do everything Twitter does, but just take it that one extra mile. Now who’s ready to tweety their way into a private motherfucking helicopter?!

….Ok, sleep on it and shoot me an email.

Real talk, anyone who steals my idea—I will find you, and I will cut you.

SHELF YOUR PRIDE AND BECOME THE SCHOOL MASCOT. 

Many athletic powerhouse colleges actually give their mascots a full scholarship–which seems fair when you consider the kid from the inner city has to pay his way, but the piss ant with a summer house in Cape Cod gets a free ride for wearing tiger costume and doing a few pushups after a touchdown.

In his defense, a fart in one of those costumes in the August heat could kill a man. When you really put it in perspective, a full scholarship is about as valuable as an art history degree when you consider the possibility of suffocating yourself with your own brand. I wouldn’t wish that fate on my worst enemy.

Apply at your own risk.

BECOME A PRO PROSPECT AND ACCEPT LAVISH GIFTS FROM BOOSTERS.

Hey dude. DUDE. Put down that chili dog and get your ass in the gym. You have four years of college eligbility and those boobies aren’t getting any less bouncy. And I don’t want to hear this whining about “But, but, I only played JV basketball as a senior and at the end of the year the other team gave me a free shot out of pity.” Nonsense. If the Golden Retriever in Air Bud could secure a free ride, you have no excuse. You have the advantage considering no one picks up your shit and you aren’t afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

All you have to do is be the complete opposite physically and mentally of the man you are right now, and boosters will hook you up with a diamond watch and a house in the hills. Easy peezy.

MOOCH OFF YOUR TRUST FUND BABY CLASSMATES. 

In the tropical regions of Africa, plover birds fly into the open mouths of crocodiles and feed on bits of decaying meat stuck in the crocodile’s teeth. You must be that plover bird. To do this, it’s essential to befriend any and every man with one or more of the following characteristics:

  • Wears: croakie sunglasses, salmon pants
  • Named Hunter, Sebastian, Bryce, Remington, and anyone with a suffix tacked onto their last name (Jackson Worthington III)
  • Everyone on the tennis team
  • That guy who showers before gym class.
  • Anyone who says ‘therefore,’ ‘furthermore,’ and ‘hence’ in conversation

If you can’t beat them, join them. Sure, you may have to listen to them drone on about their country club drama while they cradle lacrosse balls, but they’ll use daddy’s black card to foot the bill every time you go out and you can preserve that $18.32 in your checking account.

SELL YOUR VITAL ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET. 

And if all the aforementioned techniques fail, try selling vital organs. I hear a liver can fetch up to three semesters worth of tuition on the black market. Consider it, especially since yours is basically non-functional after years of bodyslamming it with shitty liquor.

***********

So there you have it, fellas. I’ve just gifted you the key to break free from the financial burdens college imposes on you. Now the question becomes: what do you do with your newfound financial freedom?! Oh, chip away at your $15,000 in credit card debt? Fuck.

Go see The House, in theaters nationwide right now!


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