First and foremost, shout out to R.L. Stine da GAWD. Dude had us shitting our britches for the better part of a decade with the most unbelievable premises imaginable. Don’t get me wrong, these books were legitimately scary, but looking at them through the lens of a twenty-something whose only real fears are the police, student loan debt and reading an entire think-piece, these books were utterly ridiculous.
As you’ll tell with most of the books, R.L. likely came up with these ideas within 30-45 seconds, tops. Usually the same formula, too–some dumb ass kid, some seemingly regular scenario, insert implausibility, “the end,” and one final plot twist. Just like that. That’s how you make 200 million dollars
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Say Cheese & Die
Goosebumps
Premise: A camera took pictures of bad things happening to people before they actually happened. Then, following over 100 pages of bullshittin’, they discover they should get rid of the camera. Whoops, we find out that they didn’t hide it very well and now the cycle begins again.
It actually hurts my heart that some people reading this have no idea what a disposable camera is, let alone a Polaroid camera. I’ll translate–the 2014 version of this would be “I can’t find the right filter to prominently display my caramel macchiato right now, so I’m going to literally die.”
Go Eat Worms!
Premise: Super weird kid starts mutilating worms for no reason, because he’s probably going to grow up to be a serial killer. Little does he know, he was fucking with the wrong worms and they eventually have to check his habitual line-stepping ass.
Looking at this one again and a) R.L., way to extend yourself on the title, man–that’s why you’re the GAWD; b) this is kind of a metaphor for getting beat up by a gang, right? That’s what my “black guy” sensors were picking up. A little white kid talking reckless to the wrong bunch and getting beat up for it sounds a little too real for me. I get it, Stine. I get it.
It Came From Beneath The Sink
Goosebumps
Premise: A hatin’ ass sponge was living under the sink. An enterprising young man finds the hatin’ sponge and tries to tell his family about it. His family doesn’t believe him and, lo and behold, horrible shit ensues.
No worries, once the sponge situation is sorted out and we think everything is cool, they go and find a potato with razor sharp teeth on the counter. Perhaps it’s move out of the house.You just KNOW that R.L. was washing dishes one night and thought to himself, “I’m going to write an implausible book about a sponge and make a quick million dollars.” Charmed life this man lives.
The Horror at Camp Jelly Jam
Goosebumps
Premise (took me awhile to even read this book because the cover scared me to death): A camp that’s actually a cult/slave ring run by a giant jelly monster–that’s basically it. Yeah, for real.Yo, that dude on the front cover has legitimately plagued me for almost 20 years now. Something about that big smile and the fact that he looks exactly like a cartoon Tony Robbins threw me off quite a bit.
That being said, I think R.L. “shots fired” Scientology before Scientology was even invented. Next level sub-tweeting over here. Jaden Smith has not a fucking clue what camp JJ is, guaranteed.
Beware, The Snowman
Goosebumps
Premise: Going to let you guess this one. Yup, you got it. It was about a cursed snowman that NO one thought to attack with a pot of boiling water.
If you recently boiled some water to make tea, you already won. The book would have been over in one chapter if this cursed snowman demon stepped into the wrong house at the wrong time. How you going to roll into snowman hell talking about how you got killed by someone preparing echinacea tea? Not a good look.
The Blob That Ate Everyone
Goosebumps
Premise: You can start to tell that R.L. was getting a little tired of writing and was less enthused. But yeah, a little kid wrote a story about a killer blob that ate everyone that, for no reason at all, suddenly starts happening in real life. Plot twist! You find out the story was actually written by the blob about a day in the life of being a blob. Again, that’s what really happened. R.L. was presumably on peyote.
Basically it was a story about a story written by a blob that was fed up with the jokey jokes. So fed up, in fact, that he ate everyone. Seriously. A god damn blob wrote a story about that one time he ended the human race. At this stage, we should have started getting VERY worried about R.L.
All of the “Choose Your Own Adventure” Books
Goosebumpbs
Premise: Various “plots,” but basically every page gave you a choice that either led to your survival or demise. For an 8-10 year old, these books were impossible to get through without cheating.
I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to begin writing these books. These were essentially literary Rubik’s Cubes. Like, right when we started doubting if R.L. was still mentally “in it”/on heavy narcotics, he drops some fire on us like this. You know, pretty much the opposite of when Jay-Z dropped Magna Carta Holy Grail.
(Nothing scarier than the Goosebumps TV series. Scarier than ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ for my money)