‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9 Recap: Ben Finally Gets Laid, Then Screws Himself By Throwing Around The L-Word

The Beginning: Ben Screws Himself With The L-Word

• Before we get into this episode, let’s get one thing straight: this season is absolutely EVERYTHING. I am not the most experienced Bachelor watcher (5 seasons under my belt, not to brag or anything), but this season is hands down the best one I have ever seen. The fantasy suite episode is usually just filled with constant boring dates and done for the purpose of The Bachelor to find out which gets his ding-dong going the most in between the sheets, but this episode was LIT.
• I am going to address it in my power rankings a bit more, but Ben did say the L-word to two different women. For those of you who are new or are not obsessive about The Bachelor like I am, saying the L-word in this franchise is a MEGA no-no, and saying it to two different women pretty much sets off an earthquake in #BachNation.
• We got a full dose of Ben’s disgusting rib cage tattoo. I may be crazy, but I’m not Olivia cray-cray, so I didn’t pause the show to read potentially what it says. BUT I am here for my readers, so I did some investigative work and came up with this (h/t to @AnnieBarret for this one):

• Nothing like a good ole Sloppy Joe commercial in the middle of The Bachelor. The commercial said, “nothing goes together like Hunt’s Manwich Sloppy Joe sauce and The Bachelor on Monday Nights.” I could be wrong but I feel like that is the furthest thing from the truth, but you can’t knock something until you’ve tried it. Next Monday I will be having a Manwich Sloppy Joe during the show, and I will 100% let you know what the result is.
• This week was, of course, the fantasy suites, which is my personal favorite episode of the season. Why? For starters, we get the awkward moment of awkward moments when the “would you choose to forgo the two separate rooms, here is a key to the fantasy suite” card from Chris Harrison. Ben decided to combat this moment by asking, on three different occasions, “so, what do you think?” Which in the Indiana farm boy Bachelor language translates to, “I want to bang you all night, but I can’t say that on national TV, so I’m going to leave this up to you to answer.”
• My second reason for this being my favorite episode of the season is the reminder of the biggest questions in all of reality TV: how long does The Bachelor get in between fantasy suite dates? This is something I, and countless members of #BachNation, wonder every year. I hope, for Bens sake, that he got, at least a day, to recover between each dates. We know what happens on those dates and to think that Ben has to go on a sex marathon for 72 hours would be an impossible task. I mean ABC cannot expect their Bachelor to be the second coming of Wilt Chamberlin. Maybe that is a part of the selection process, but I highly doubt it. I would hate for Ben to be laying in bed, on the night of the third date, looking up to the ceiling and saying, “I swear this never happens.”
• We are still having the “Ben feels unable to be loved” narrative thrown down our throats. I am beyond sick of this. Ben, if you are reading this, if you want to truly know what unlovable is, just come through my dorm room next Monday night. You’ll find a 20-year-old, straight male watching The Bachelor, alone, with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a bag of popcorn. Then, Ben, you’ll know EXACTLY what unlovable looks like.

Goodbyes:

Caila “The Sex Panther:”

• George Mason. Florida Gulf Coast (#DunkCity). Caila. What do all three of these have in common? They were all Cinderella stories that couldn’t handle the big time. Once these three got to the big lights, they got scared and blew it. No big deal. Some people can’t handle the big game. They choke. It happens.
• The next time you are having a cringe-worthy moment just remember that it is nowhere as cringe-worthy as Caila watching that episode on some TV in the middle of Ohio.
• I mean for fucks sake the girl said she knew Ben was in love with her because she could “feel it in his breath” and then got dumped, all within an hour, on national TV. If I were Caila, I wouldn’t even watch the episode knowing what I said. I wouldn’t be able to watch it. The only thing I can compare Caila watching this episode to is Pete Carroll re-watching the final play of Super Bowl 49.
• Ben might have blown it with the only woman that he would have been able to satisfy between the sheets, as Caila said the night with Ben was “amazing.” Yes, I am implying that I don’t think Ben is that good at sex. Fuck, I think WAY too much about this show.
• It wasn’t all bad, Caila. You will always have that hot tub date in a hot tub store where Kevin Hart was naked. Oh, and don’t forget that awkward boat ride in Jamaica! Good times, good times.
• I DO NOT WANT CAILA AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE.

 

Power Rankings:

2. Lauren B:

• TURTLES!!!!
• Don’t have a lot to say about her. I do not read spoilers, but I would bet my left ball on her winning. The fact that this is as guaranteed as it is and I already downloaded an app on my phone to countdown the hours until the finale shows how great this show is.
• She did say, “It feels like I’m waking up next to my boyfriend.” Which is ironic because that boyfriend left her that morning to go pound out JoJo, but that is none of my business.

1. Jojo:

• I’m still not over how much JoJo’s brothers sucked. Especially the one who wore the vagina sweater. It only confirmed that my “never be friends with a person who wears a vagina sweater” rule.
• I cannot believe that Ben is going to spend an entire day with JoJo in a bikini and not pick her. It would be one of the biggest mysteries in the world right now if you were to ask me.
• JoJo mentioned that she wished she could be in “Bens head.” JoJo, that is never going to happen, but I can help you with what he is thinking about when he is with you. It’s your boobs; that is what he is thinking about.
• JoJo’s reaction to Ben saying the L-word was perfect:

• A lot of people were mad at Ben for this, and I find that understandable, but I appreciated this strategic move. I underestimated you, Ben, I truly did. You told that girl you loved her only to increase the quality of the nighttime experience, and I tip my hat to you. Absolute power move.

 

Awards:

Moment Of The Night:

The best hug in the history of The Bachelor franchise. JoJo and Amanda didn’t know the magnitude of that group hug at the moment, but man #BachNation did.

 Awkward Moment: Caila getting out of the car after saying her goodbyes to ask Ben, “did you know this week?” Caila, honestly, should have just came out swinging and kneed the man in the balls while screaming “you knew you were going to break up with me, but had sex with me anyway??? You fucking douche bag! You think you were going to get away with that with no repercussions.

Troll Of The Night: This award goes to the entire last scene of Caila going to surprise Ben only to be broken up with. She should have known the second she was allowed to see him randomly that her Cinderella run was over, but like I’ve been saying all season, she is a child and children are going to child like things:

Act Like You Been There Before Award: It has to go to Ben. You can’t tell two girls you love them. Rookie mistake. Although this did allow us to have a great Chris Harrison face:

Quote Of The Night: “Brutal” –JoJo. Her first words after Ben left. She, of course, was talking about them having to be separated after a full 24 hours together, but I am going to pretend she was talking about Bens performance the night before.

Outfit Of The Night: All Of JoJo’s Bikinis. Every single one.

Internet Moment Of The Night:

https://twitter.com/mollyfitz/status/704492770485002240

 

 

Jack McGuire writes for his own blog at bigdaddyscourt.com. If you enjoyed this recap  follow him over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt.