The Top 25 Celebrities Who Have Defied Death

by 7 years ago

After catching an article in the New York Daily News regarding Ozzy Osbourne's ability to still exist — scientists think he has some genetic mutations (not even f*cking with you) — it got us thinking about all the other famous faces who, year after year, defy the reaper even though their actions or past actions should have taken them from us a long time ago. (Note: this list does not include anyone with unstoppable diseases or birth handicaps. I don't believe in karma and I'm f*cked up, but not that f*cked up.)

Below are some of the most notorious celebrities who love to dabble in foul play or simply escape death's wrath. They are in no particular order as I figured ranking who should be the most dead would make this list too morbid. 

Ozzy Osbourne

The prince of darkness sums up his life in one eloquent swoop: “Given the swimming pools of booze I've guzzled over the years — not to mention all the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills, cough syrup, LSD, Rohypnol, you name it — there is really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive.”

Scott Weiland

The STP front man may have had no regard for his personal lubricant but I'd bet he'd never let flies get into his heroin.

Yasmine Bleeth

She survived the meth and cocaine but the same can't be said about her nasal cavity. Do you even know how much blow you need to snort for that nose collapse to f*cking happen? Neither do I. 

Keith Richards

Forget his drug use for a minute and just let his appearance sink in. Save for children under the age of 8, no human being, other than Richards, is capable of surviving at a mere 60 lbs. Remarkable.

Courtney Love

Only a woman this gorgeous could release an album entitled “Beautiful on the Inside.” I wonder if it was before or after she snorted, shot, and swallowed all the heroin, oxycontin, cocaine, and booze?


In 2005, MSNBC actually reported that he died due to complications of the liver, brought on by a half-gallon-a-day vodka habit. For the record, he's not dead. His liver probably has more spots than Morgan Freeman's face but he's not dead.

John Daly

John and Slash could probably spend days, if not weeks, swapping stories and debating not only about who has swilled more booze but who smoked more cartons of cigs as well.

Steve-O (honorable mention to the rest of the Jackass cast)

He has ingested everything. From Ajax to animal shit. And yet, he forges on. Brav-O.


Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston

Can anyone guess what these two smoked after sex? 

Britney Spears

There was a point in time when hearing about her tailspin and seeing her bald head became so annoying that I truly wished she would just f*cking die. Do I regret that sentiment? No.

Lindsay Lohan

No one in Hollywood has the ability of learning from the mistakes of others. Just a year or so after Britney spun out of control, Lohan followed suit. Am I slowly getting tired of this dipshit's continued existence? Yep, I sure am.

Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke 

After years of drugs, alcohol abuse, boxing and plastic surgery, the once handsome Rourke left us with this scrap heap to look at. But f*ck, he played one hell of a compelling washed up wrestler didn't he?

Robert Downey, Jr.

Although he has cleaned up his act, once upon a time all RDJ loved was that sweet Lady Cane.

Gary Busey

The Crypt Keeper here, once claimed to snort cocaine — that he accidentally spilled — out of his dog's fur. That kind of dedication is no accident.

Nick Nolte

You have to wonder how many times he raped himself before the cops finally caught him slipping GHB into his own drinks.


Magic Johnson

Magic, indeed. When this guy contracted HIV, it was in the height of the nationwide scare, when others stood no chance. This goes to show that money can buy just about anything. 

50 Cent

He took 9, count 'em, 9 bullets and lived to tell about it… with a slight slur from the one that hit him in the face. 

Iggy Pop

Iggy Pop

Outside of his rampant drug use and going to the same nutritionist as Keith Richards, Pop was became an icon for doing random shit on stage like rubbing raw hamburger meat all over his bare chest and cutting himself with shards of glass.

Amy Winehouse

It's hard to believe that someone's dick has been inside of that. She looks like she has mange.

Charlie Sheen

Sheen isn't some bush-league singles hitter. He swings for the fences. His resume includes drug and alcohol abuse, sex addiction, and human abductions. All that on his rap sheet and yet he still commands $1.8 million per episode. Where the f*ck did Emilio go wrong?

Nikki Sixx

This was almost a grave oversight. I couldn't live with myself if I ever omitted (and insulted) a man whose autobiography is entitled “The Heroin Diaries” and has been pronounced clinically dead. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger 

Pretty much any bodybuilder or WWE wrestler who is still living from the '70s and '80s is on borrowed time.

Heidi and Spencer 

Just wishful thinking. 

Who'd I miss? Sound Off in the Comments…

TAGSCelebrity deathsKeith RichardsOzzy Osbournewaffles mcbutter

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