Bro’s Guide to Music Festival Season

by 6 years ago

Prep Work

Establish your crew.

You need the guy who runs point, sends out the e mails of transport, what weekends to block out, what ticket to buy (one day, or full weekend), etc.  Then you need the guy responding to the e mails with unparalleled enthusiasm, phrases like “Killin it,” “Crushin it,” “Find some slam pieces,”  “Go Hard,” etc. etc.  You have the guy in charge of the recreationals from a trusted supplier; You don’t want to be the bro buying Molly from the guy slinging it at the entrance, it might be ground up rock salt. Since this most likely a 12 hour/multi day event, make sure you have enough blow to hit the slopes harder than Sonny Bono. Don’t forget the gum and blow pops, you’ll want something to occupy your mouth while you’re not mackin on biddies so you can focus on the lights. And beer, of course. As much beer as you can possibly get in the festival grounds.

Establish a meeting point at the festival.

Ideally you all mob together, but if not establish a safe spot where your crew can meet.  Take a look at the festival map and locate the best tent for the crew (point man should take care of this). Remember, due to a high volume of chill people, you won’t get cell service. If people are lagging, that’s their problem, you’re either on the bus, or off the bus. Once you start rollin, you might as well be a zombie and you don’t want any accidental dials, so do your mom a favor and just turn it off. You’re only loosing battery power by leaving it on. Plus, you’re with your crew! Don’t try to collide too many worlds because sh*t will get messy. Accept the fact you will see them if the festival gods permit. End of story.

Hydrate and bring cash.

Don’t be the guy that makes everyone miss Chromeo’s set because the crew is forced wait for him while he goes to the ATM with a 3.95 surcharge.

Brosemble and Brosentials

Bring a disposable camera: (1. Who gives a fuck if you lose it and (2. Everyone is screwed once those pics get developed – as there is no option for deletion.

Don’t forget the sunnies.

I wear my sunglasses at night applies here and only here. Preferably cheap neon shades since you might lose them while getting some bathroom action.

Keep in mind, while wearing a tank, there is a fine line between looking like a Jersey Shore juice box and looking like you are about to rage your face off, know the difference and dress accordingly; this is a music festival, not a body building competition. Neon, baggy tanks are ideal, you’ll be dancing and sweating, and no babe will f*ck a pit-stained bro. Don’t be afraid to take off that shirt and hang it through your belt loop and you have washboard abs and everyone should know about it. Jerseys are acceptable, but be cautious. If you even thought about wearing and Afflication tee, go on Stub Hub, sell your ticket, and stay home.  

The Music Festival Biddie

Nothing says DTF like a babe at a festival. Music festivals are like Halloween, in that they provide a girl with an excuse to dress like a slut and not be judged by her friends for being a slut, because they're dressed just as slutty. By rule of thumb, the amount of clothing directly correlates with level of intoxication at festivals: The less clothing, the more f*cked up. No babe puts on a crochet mid-driff and neon bra with the intention of staying remotely sober.

This girl is probably down for a good time and is living this weekend based on a quote she found on some 60s inspired Pintrest board. Probably “All I'm gonna do is just go on and do what I feel,” so thank Jimi Hendrix, and Pintrest. If she is wearing a fanny pack, consider this deal done quicker than Kim Kardashian’s marriage. She needed those secret compartments because she knew before hand she'd be in no state of mind to handle a purse.

Let the Sound Take You Away
Not raging to house music is like blacking out at AA, it defeats the purpose.  Nightfall should be when you’re hitting the peak of your roll, be with your top bros and biddies. You’re all on the wave, enjoy the ride.

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