Every summer has that one song that rises above the rest to become the infamous summer song, aka the “Song Of The Summer.” This is the song that is everywhere – the clubs, cars, the beach, parties – anywhere there are people there is the summer song, creating the backdrop to a million scandalous memories.
On the flipside, most summer songs are awful. Let’s not pretend. They are horrible earworms that wriggle their way inside, following you everywhere – the clubs, your car, the beach, parties – anywhere you are, that little bastard is in your brain, gnawing away until you are as brain-damaged as everyone else who turned it into the #1 hit song of the summer.
Now what I’m here to do is simple: I’m going to take the #1 summer song from each of the last 15 summers according to Billboard.com and I’m going to rank them. Why? Because I believe that it’s time we all understand that the human race is doomed.
15. “Confessions Part II” – Usher, 2004
This came right in the midst of that weird era when every other song out there was just an overly-wrought confessional, and, well, Usher just cut right to it with “Confessions.” Part II, for some inane reason, became the #1 song of the summer of 2004 even though it is hilariously awful. It is almost a parody, just four minutes of Usher panicking because he knocked some broad up, going through all the “Holy shits!” and “What ifs” before getting down on his knees and begging his lady for forgiveness because, well, it wasn’t her, it was some other jumpoff. Oops!
Anyway, the song is wretched and dumb, musically boring and lyrically absurd. And according to my oh-so professional research, no child was ever born, which makes this either especially dumb or really, really dark.
14. “Fancy” – Iggy Azalea featuring Charlie XCX, 2014
In my notes (yeah, I took notes for this because I am a professional) I just have one word written next to this song: “assholes.”
That about sums it up. I think this would have fared better if it was sung by someone with actual, you know, credibility, and not two idiots who are like some hideous mutant hybrid of Jamie Kennedy in Malibu’s Most Wanted and the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. It has an okay beat, it’s kind of catchy, but… assholes, dude. Assholes.
13. “Call Me Maybe” – Carly Rae Jepsen, 2012
Catchy songs are great. Catchy songs that make you want to claw your own brain out with a hammer are another matter entirely, and “Call Me Maybe” definitely falls into the latter category.
There was a time – you all remember it – when this basically turned into a giant meme, with people finding “clever” ways to work “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…” into their tweets, and while that time has mercifully come to an end, we have to remain vigilant, lest it come back and destroy us and our sanity, and maybe even our freedom. Never forget.
12. “Bent” – Matchbox Twenty, 2000
Spoiler alert: this is the only song on this list that could be considered “rock.” RIP, rock. RIP.
The truth, though, is that judging by this song, rock might have deserved its demise. “Bent” is just so bland, so unmemorable, that I have no idea how it ever reached #1. I mean, I know it was a different time. Bill Clinton was finishing up his run, the towers were still standing and nobody had even heard of the Kardashians, but we weren’t that different, were we? This wouldn’t even land in the top 1,000 if it was released today.
11. “We Belong Together” – Mariah Carey, 2005
This was sort of the last hurrah for Mariah, and it was the #1 summer song of 2005 because back in the day, Mariah could have farted into a microphone and it would have reached #1. It’s not exactly one of her most memorable songs. It’s pretty boring and doesn’t really come alive until the end when Mariah starts Mariahing it up. Even then, she doesn’t go Full Mariah, as her vocals don’t quite reach glass-shattering range, which may have been an indicator that she had lost the ol’ fastball, but what the hell, at least she didn’t do something really embarrassing, like marry an asshole like Nick Cannon.
10. “California Gurls” – Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg, 2010
This was basically a paint-by-numbers Katy Perry song, which, of course, meant that it was a huge tit… I mean huge hit. Anyway, like most Katy Perry songs, it’s not that interesting once you just focus on the actual song and not the… huge hits. But, it does get bonus points for Snoop showing up for some dumb reason. Oh, that’s right, he was there for the… huge hits, just like everyone else. No matter the reason, Snoop always makes everything better. Also, Katy Perry has huge tits.
9. “I Kissed A Girl” – Katy Perry, 2008
Ah, yes, the song that unleashed Katy Perry and her huge (okay, I’ll stop) into the collective pop culture consciousness. It’s actually got a driving beat that keeps it interesting, but it loses points for being the song that your creepy drunk uncle wouldn’t stop singing and laughing about. I mean, come on. Give Katy Perry credit for knowing how to work with what she’s got, but there is just something really, really cynical about this song, even by cynical pop-music standards, and that’s saying something. It was made precisely because your drunk uncle would get off on it.
8. “Umbrella” – Rihanna featuring Jay-Z, 2007
Forget the “featuring Jay-Z” part. He basically just shows up at the beginning to hype Rihanna and then disappears to bang Beyonce and count his money. Once he’s gone, it’s just Rihanna doing her Rihanna thing. Look, there’s nothing all that interesting to say about this song. It was probably Rihanna’s biggest hit at that point in her career, but what I’m more interested in talking about is this: Rihanna has been on top now for almost a solid decade. Holy shit! Has it really been that long? Her first #1 was in 2006 and she’s not exactly showing signs of slowing down. It still feels like she just got started. I feel old.
7. “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland, 2006
Look, I’ll be honest, I barely even remember this song. Everything back then just sort of bleeds together in my brain. That said, I can see why it was the top song of 2006. It’s got an interesting and different sound to it – always key for catching people’s attention – and lyrically, it’s basically about two people trying to fuck each other, which is always a winner. Bonus points for an inexplicable Steve Nash reference by Nelly Furtado.
6. “I Gotta Feeling” – The Black Eyed Peas, 2009
This is where things get weird. You see, “I Gotta Feeling” is a horrible song, one that makes you want to go full Terminator on the world, and yet, it is also so ridiculously catchy that it will now be in your head for the next week. How do you judge a song like that?
It’s a perfect party song, one that you can only really appreciate when you’re shitfaced surrounded by other happy drunks and just want to dance and act like a goddamn idiot. In some other dimension, this song is being played 24 hours a day while DJ Pauly D, Vinny and the Situation fistpump their troubles away and reign as the biggest stars in the world. Is that dimension actually hell? Probably. But you’re fighting to urge to hum this damn song even while you read this. Don’t lie to me. More importantly, don’t lie to yourselves.
5. “Let Me Blow Ya Mind” – Eve featuring Gwen Stefani, 2001
This song just sounds sexy, doesn’t it? That slinky beat just fucking works, man, and then Gwen Stefani shows up and does her thing and the game, it is over. Eve is basically the forgotten element in all this, which is kind of weird since it’s, you know, her song and all, but that’s not exactly a knock on her. It’s just that the beat and Gwen are that damn memorable. I will say this: it all works because Eve actually has the credibility to pull the lyrics off, unlike those assholes involved in “Fancy.”
4. “Blurred Lines” – Robin Thicke, 2013
Look, this is basically “Asshole: the Song,” but when it’s this catchy, who cares? This was a fucking monster hit, and not just because of that video with all those titties bouncing around. Okay, mostly because of that. But it was also just so goddamn… lively, I guess, is the word for it, that it was impossible to resist.
This is pretty much what a hit summer song is supposed to sound like. It’s fun, it’s catchy, and every time you hear it, you see Emily Ratajkowski bouncing around naked in your head. All other arguments are invalid.
3. “Hot in Herre” – Nelly, 2002
I respect any song that basically breaks down to “It’s hot, let’s take all our clothes off and see what happens.” That’s some deep shit, right there. Excuse me, right therre. Shakespeare himself would kill for so complex a theme.
Really, though, you can’t deny this song. It even made people talk like idiots for a while, trying to emulate the “herre” shit like a bunch of assholes. Sure, that might have been annoying, but you know a song has hit it big when it changes the vernacular. Bless you, Nelly.
2. “Crazy in Love” – Beyonce featuring Jay-Z, 2003
Jesus, this song is like an atomic bomb. It’s just pure energy and it’s impossible to resist. Those horns just obliterate all resistance. Beyonce does her thing, and then about halfway through, Jay-Z shows up to do his thing and… you aren’t stopping that, you just aren’t. This was a monster hit, and whether you like Bey and Jay or not, you have to tip your hat to this one.
1. “Party Rock Anthem” – LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett & GoonRock, 2011
I know, I know, this may be the most obnoxious song ever written. But it also might be the catchiest. Don’t deny it. This song was fucking everywhere in the summer of 2011, mostly because it was designed to be exactly what it says it is, a party rock anthem.
But more than that, this is the perfect summer song. Like, if you were building a summer song in a lab, this is what you would come up with. Yes, it is a song for assholes, but that is the whole point. Monster summer songs are for assholes. We’re all assholes, and this list should prove that to you beyond a shadow of a doubt. America could be convicted of Aggravated Assholery based solely on the contents of this list, and “Party Rock Anthem” would be the prosecutor’s closing argument. This is the #1 summer hit song that we all deserve, and so I can think of no worthier recipient of the #1 spot on this list.