Look, I get it. This hippity hop can be perplexing at times. We have fast rappers, rappers with strong southern drawls, rappers that simply speak nonsense and routinely make up words, Iggy Azalea, and sometimes all of the above. The whole thing is a mess. So, from my brief research stemming mainly from the below tweets by BroBible’s own David Covucci, I determined that casual white hip hop fans must be so god damn confused by rap music.
So I just looked up the lyrics to Country Grammar and I learned something.
— David Covucci (@DavidCovucci) May 28, 2015
I always thought Nelly said "cock ready to love you," but apparently it's "cocked ready to let it go"
— David Covucci (@DavidCovucci) May 28, 2015
It is abundantly clear that David is lost as FUCK when it comes to these Nelly lyrics. That’s when it hit me – this can’t be the only song that encases casual white hip hop fans within a mental pretzel.
Experiment: Send all my white friends a text message that asks “yo, what rap songs have confused you over the years. pls send along with details explaining why said song confuses you” and chart the results. (hint: chart results = look back at these text messages and regurgitate everything into this blog)
Experiment #1: Fetty Wap: Trap Queen
Result: “But really, what is a Trap Queen? Better yet, what the fuck is a bando? Can I be a trap queen even if I’m a heterosexual male? Is there a dance move that I should know?”
Now this song has posed some serious problems for a majority of white people. Mainly because it became mainstream without knowing that it would become mainstream, similar to Bobby Shmurda’s “Hot N****.” As a result, this shit is very hood-specific. Like, no girl (or guy) should aspire to be a trap queen under any circumstances and I pray to God that you never end up within three square miles of a bando. Lastly, there are no specific dance moves. If all else fails, just pull up your pants and do the rockaway.
Experiment #2: Nicki Minaj, Drake, Lil Wayne: “Truffle Butter”
Result: The DJ at a wedding that I was at recently put the mic in my face when this song came on and asked me “What do you like on your toast?” I proceeded to ask him “Please don’t do this” and he eventually coaxed me into answering with “Truffle Butter”
This isn’t as much of a white people problem as it is a poor internet’ing skills problem. All it takes is one ‘Urban Dictionary’ search to determine that truffle butter = THIS.
So yeah, I said I want to spread sexual poop secretion on my toast in front of children and the elderly.
Experiment #3: Jay-Z: “Big Pimpin’”
Result: “Generally no idea what Jay-Z is talking about in the chorus”
“Big pimpin’ spendin’ cheese” was pretty self-explanatory, but I don’t think any of us knew what was going on with “B.L.A.D.E.s.” Jay just decided to stunt on all of us plebes with some very exclusive rich rapper speak that only people with a certain $ amount in their checking account can decode. So technically none of us were capable of hearing it. Also, B.L.A.D.E.s = 20 in rims because of course they do. Shout out to Latrell Sprewell.
The rest of the chorus, like most rap songs, identified the setting and other rappers featured on the track. Not exactly a mental labyrinth, tbh.
Experiment #4: Nelly: “Ride Wit’ Me”
Result: “Wait, he doesn’t say ‘why must I feel this good’ before ‘must be the money!’? WTF”
For all intents and purposes, Nelly passed out midway through this chorus. The dude flat out fell asleep in the booth and expected us to pick up the pieces to whatever the fuck he was talking about. Not really anyone’s fault if they missed this one.
Experiment #5: Kanye West: “Through the Wire”
Result: “Is that a chipmunk in the beginning? If so, what is the chipmunk saying?”
God dammit. That “chipmunk” is world-renowned singer-songwriter, Chaka Khan, singing “Through the Fire.” Because of Ms. Khan, Kanye had a sample to steal/speed up, which enabled him to bless us with a myriad of flame emoji lines about a piece of metal in his face. Now he’s married to one of the most impactful butts in the modern era. Makes you think. It really makes you think.
Experiment #6: Snoop Dogg: “Drop It Like It’s Hot”
Result: “Who is this Sean that Snoop is pouring Dom Perignon for?”
Probably the most tragic of all of the experiments With that said, you still have to applaud the effort here. Sometimes context clues bite you in the ass as far as expensive rapper libations go. Snoop actually says, “got the rolly on my arm and I’m pourin’ Chandon.”
Look, I don’t seriously fuck with anything past Bud Light and Jameson, but one thing is for certain – whenever rappers presumably make up words, you have to assume it’s a type of car, liquor, or an island that hasn’t been discovered yet. It’s the only way to prevent yourself from appearing to be a broke boi™.
BONUS: “Anything by Twista, Young Thug, or Iggy Azalea”
Result: None of us know what the fuck these people are talking about.
Seriously, Twista. Stop rapping so fast. (For not knowing what he’s saying aside from “106 & Park” at the 1:14 mark, this song is FIRE)
And you, Young Thugger, keep being you:
https://platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js
Last, but not least, Iggy sounds like those Muzzy ESL tapes sped up 2x. My god.
I mean, yeah, you probably could have gone on Rap Genius to figure most of this stuff out, but Dub did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.