10 Apps To Help Get You Laid
This is the king of the dating apps since it has had such a spike in popularity. For those of you who have been living under a rock, Tinder tracks your current location and finds girls within your vicinity. It taps into Facebook to use a few profile photos and to find out if the girls coming up on your screen share any mutual friends or interests with you. It then matches you with compatible users giving you the option to discreetly decide if they are bangable or not. “Like” a profile and if they like you back, you two can see more information about each other, chat and make plans. “Nope” a profile and there are no hard feelings because she’ll never know. Find a biddie, chat a bit and set a date. Boom, step one completed.
Tip: Check the profile pictures that Tinder grabbed for you. You won’t get much action if your ex or current girlfriend is attached at your hip in every one.
2. How About We
Perhaps you’re more of a creative, sensitive guy and don’t want to judge a girl solely based off of her looks. You would like to read a bit about her and see if she’s worth your time and money. How About We is a creativity-inspiring app that is perfect for getting to explore a city with a fellow adventurer. Similar to a Facebook status, you post a date idea that starts with “How About We…” Based off of your suggestions and profile a girl nearby will hit you up if she wants to join. Found a girl? You’re onto the next stop on the train to pound town.
Tip: “How About We… get drunk and naked and make some bad decisions. ;)” Does not a good date suggestion make.
3. Plenty of Fish
Similar to Tinder, a location tracker shows you who’s nearby and lets you get in touch quickly with a “Meet Me” feature. If you found a girl who happens to be in the same neighborhood and wants to meet up you’re golden. But wait, where the hell are you two going to go? Never fear, the “Places” feature gives you some ideas for a date and will even send you event notifications for your area. Free concert in the park right near a top rated wine bar? Done.
Tip: The first step to signing up is taking a “Chemistry Test.” Don’t say you’re looking for love if you’re just looking to get laid and don’t say you’re just looking to get laid if you’re looking for love. Either way you’ll get hurt. Either physically punched in the mouth or emotionally heartbroken.
4. Crazy Blind Date
This title might sound terrible but this new dating app from the online dating website OkCupid is pretty legit. It’s kind of a mix of How About We and Plenty of Fish and it gets you on a date, fast. Simply tell the app when and where you’d like to go, and they set you up with someone who’s available at that time and down to meet. The app maintains your privacy while finding you the perfect match behind the scenes. With just a few taps, you could have dates every night of the week. Dry spell? What dry spell?
Tip: The blind date is just that, blind. Have an excuse in your back pocket in case she turns out to be troll.
Now that you’ve found your girl it’s time to turn up the charm. Let’s say she wants to have lunch in the park and get to know one another. You stupidly open your mouth and say you’ll bring along some food. Shit. Who are you kidding? You don’t cook. You don’t even buy groceries. All you have in the fridge is beer. Hit up seamless and have sandwiches delivered from your favorite deli in minutes. Grab the food and a bottle of wine and you’re good to go. Here’s another scenario, you have been hanging out with a girl for a bit and are on date three. You invite her to your place for dinner. You got this. Just clean up a bit, kick out your roommate and order from seamless. Throw out the to go containers and take credit for the meal. She will be really impressed by your cooking skills and she’ll be conveniently located near your bed when the meal is over. Schwing.
Tip: The hot girl from Tinder blew you off an hour before you were going to pick her up because she’s “sick.” Dumb bitch. Doesn’t she know you’re phenomenal in bed? Take the chivalrous route and have seamless deliver pre-paid chicken noodle soup to her apartment. She won’t cancel date two.
6. Around Me
Some guys aren’t into all this online dating stuff. Call you a traditionalist but you think it’s ridiculous to do anything other than meet a girl in person and ask her out the old fashioned way. You have devilish good looks, charm and a killer personality so you don’t need to hide behind a computer screen. However, getting a little aid when planning a date is nothing to be ashamed of. Around Me allows users to quickly find a nearby Point Of Interest (POI). It’s perfect for when you’re in a bind and need a last minute change of plans. Movie times got messed up? Find another theatre close by. Restaurant was closed? You’ll be in another place in minutes. Been driving around for a freaking hour and can’t find a parking spot to save your life? It will show you the nearest parking lot.
Tip: If possible, try checking the app on the sly. She’ll be impressed that you know your surroundings so well. It’s hot when a guy knows where he’s going, both in the long-term and short-term sense.
Dinner went well and your mutual knowledge and love for music and funny movie quotes is really paying off! She suggests you two hit up a movie. Time to call upon the Fandango app. Check theaters in your area code, get movie reviews, show times, and even order tickets right from your phone, for free. And while all the other bros are waiting in line to buy tickets, you can cruise on up with your hot date, pick up your tickets and act like you own the place.
Tip: This one is pretty self-explanatory so I really don’t have tip. Try saying “Fandango” out loud though. It’s a fun word to say.
After the movies, you decided on a drink and then another and then several more. She’s wobbling around on her heels, batting her eyelashes at you and rubbing her leg up against yours. Time to take her back to your place. You head outside and try hailing down a cab but there are none in sight. You can hear your date’s teeth chattering because she chose to wear next to nothing and the wind is starting to really pick up. What to do? Being the boss that you are, you whip out your phone, press one button and a sleek, black town car arrives at your exact location; you baller, you. She climbs in and starts drunkenly fumbling around with her wallet but it’s of no matter. There will be no discussion of who’s paying for the ride; it’s discreetly taken care of online after the ride is over.
Your card is automatically charged.
Tip: Always Uber if you’re going to be drinking. Drunk driving is never the answer and how will you get laid if you’re in a coma?
9. iTunes Remote
Back at your place and you know it’s going down. Right when you get there, you bust out the iTunes Remote app, and put on the appropriate playlist. “Titty tunes 2013” is always a winner with the ladies. This app is beyond smooth, it’s like in those movies when the bachelor pad has an all purpose remote except that there’s no disco ball emerging from a hidden trap door in the ceiling.
Tip: Ask your girlfriends what type of music they would be interested in having sex to. I love Lil Wayne but everything dries up when he raps something demeaning and derogatory about women when I’m trying to get it on.
So all is said and done. You have escaped your dry spell because as the saying goes, even the blind squirrel eventually finds his nut. Was your girl awesome in bed? Then you definitely don’t want to cut this one loose. Download SnapChat so you can send each other pictures and videos that automatically delete after a few seconds. This app ups sexting to a whole new level.
Tip: The other person can screen grab your picture if they want to and while you will be notified of a screen grab, there isn’t much you can do once they have it. Be smart about what you send.
Technology is a beautiful thing. Now, if only they had a contraceptive app.. Happy downloading my bros. And please, after you’ve mastered these apps, get off your phone.
[Apps image via ShutterStock]