Marry, Ditch, Do: ‘Mad Men’ Hotties Edition

By 03.20.12

Another warning: Spoilers are below if you haven't seen through season 4.

christina hendricks

Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks)

This woman is a once-in-a-generation hotness. How can you put into words her iconic level of attractiveness. Google “Christina Hendricks” and “measurements” pops up as a suggested search. I doubt normal clothes even fit her mountainous ranges. If I ever meet Matthew Weiner, I don’t know whether I'd thank him for his gifts to television or b*tch-slap him for not putting the show on a channel that accepts nudity. (Spoiler alert.) Season 5 will have the former Ms. Holloway pregnant.

January Jones

Betty Francis (January Jones)

Two words: Smoke show. The former Mrs. Draper is as close to a real-life Barbie Doll as you can get. Skinny, blonde, huge t*ts. Every Bro's dream, right? How could Don Draper possibly cheat on a dime like this? Who goes out to eat a hamburger when you’ve got steak waiting for you at home? Of course, a few other words could be used to describe Betty: Ice queen and total b*tch come to mind.

Jessica Pare

Megan Calvet (Jessica Pare)

Don's new fiancee is the dark horse of the group. Don’t let Joan and Betty overshadow this busty brunette. First off, she’s French Canadian, which gives her some exoticness without the whole mouth-full-of-peanut-butter French accent. It’s hard to see under her reserved secretary attire but there’s an incredible body under those lady suits (see “Hot Tub Time Machine” for a killer topl*ss scene). Yet after only a few episodes how much do we really know about the sexy secretary-turned-naughty nanny-turned future Mrs. Draper?

This really is the ultimate can’t-lose situation. Screw this choice up and you’re still waking up next to a babe and a half for the rest of your life… Well, here are my selections:

The Verdict

I’m killing Betty. No hesitation, I might actually enjoy it as much as who I’m banging. Viewers of the show know how god awful she is. The living, breathing, walking, and talking personification of high maintenance. She’s needy, she whines, and she is a fucking b*tch to her kids. Hey, hun, remind me what was wrong with your life? You were married to Bro King Don Draper, you were rich, and you chilled at home all day. You had the dream life of every aspiring trophy wife and you threw it all away for some saggy gray balls. Not to mention hot blondes are a dime a dozen. As Don Draper once said, “Show me the hottest girl in the world, and I’m probably tired of f*cking her.” O.K., maybe he never said that but you know that is going through his head after a few Canadian Clubs.

This is a painful decision for reasons I’ll get to later but we’ve got to give our future wife some love. That’s right: Megan, Don’s secretary turned fianceé, is the no brainer for whom we’re marrying. I know those teeth are a serious problem, but I can look past that (plus it’s nothing a year of braces can’t fix for a life time of hotness). Megan plays the exact opposite of Betty: she’s kind, caring, and was better with the kids for one episode in California than Betty’s previous four seasons combined. She gets chill points from season four when right before her Don did the dirty she says, “I’m not going to run out of here crying like your last secretary.” There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what’s up. Hot and chill, the total package.

Not marrying Joan was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. How do you pass up on the hottest of any “type” of girl — and make no mistake, she is the hottest red head to ever seductively strut this planet. Obviously any Bro would love to f*ck all three of these bombshells but Joan is the clear choice. With Betty already dead here’s why Joan isn’t getting the ring:

  • Those Curves: Can’t deny it today, she looks great, but what happens when the clothes come off? Either my jaw is dropping to the floor or gravity is bringing all that junk down to it. Maybe it looks phenomenal now but time takes its toll. Ten or 15 years down the road do we still want to wake up next to that?
  • Ginger: For some bros this is a deal breaker, not me though. I love red heads so much I almost had to wife this one up, but let’s be real. How can you marry someone who can’t walk around when the sun is up and has no soul?

  • Reputation: Joan is what in the '60s they would call a “loose” woman. Nobody wants to marry someone who’s been around Madison Ave. once or twice. (Spoiler alert.) Add in the fact that she’s pregnant with her boss/ex-lover’s baby while her husband is serving in Vietnam. Save that sh*t for Steve Nash. My wife, my baby.

At the end of the day I couldn’t wife her up but you can bet your ass there’s going to be one wild, epic night at the office.

What do you guys think? Sound Off in the comments with your “Mad Men” f***/marry/kill selections. And check back later this week for more on “Mad Men.”

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