We Present To You a Very Bath Salts-Free Version of the Hottie Index

By 06.10.12

Taylor Swift
You would think that a Rolling Stone interview with John Mayer that influences the Hottie Index would contain war stories about his various conquests. The guy's been known to get it in with the likes of Jessica Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, and Jennifer Aniston. He also did the deed with Taylor Swift, which leads us to Swift's inclusion this week after the Rolling Stone interview. Mayer was upset that Swift wrote a song ragging on him and didn't call him to tell him first. Poor John. Grab a straw kid and suck it up. I like a girl with a little backbone, so it's nice to see Swift give Mayer a swift kick to the nuts. That's what he gets for playing un-bro music.


Bianca Bree (Van Varenberg)
Jean-Claude Van Damme was the co-king of action movies in the 80s and 90s. (Steven Segal was right there with him.) The irony of that of course is that he had the sh*t kicked out of him by Chuck Zito outside Scores Gentleman's Club in New York City. His talents of martial arts may've been overrated, but his talents for fathering attractive daughters are underrated. He brought his daughter Bianca out for this year's MTV Movie Awards and we're really happy he did. She's quite the eye candy and seems to have appeared in numerous movies insignificant enough for me to have ever seen then. She probably bumped uglies with some director she met at one of the after parties, so maybe we'll be seeing more of her on the big screen soon.


Selena Gomez
Justin Bieber looks a bit like a lesbian gym teacher, but there’s two things about him you can’t really knock. He’s got some pretty good athletic skills and he has good taste in women. Gomez and Bieber have been bouncing around for some time now and he’s hopefully not being troubled by her daddy issues. She admitted in a recent Elle interview that it was tough dealing with her dad leaving her at the age of 5. The most important piece of the Elle interview, as one would expect, were the photographs. She’s definitely got the looks. Now all we need is for Bieber to break her heart so that she develops a bad side that inevitably leads to more raunchy photo shoots.


Katrina Bowden
Fans of 30 Rock were used to Bowden bopping around on the show. She was always bright, bubbly, and full of cheer. Her presence on the screen was always known. She also has the same physical qualities, specifically in her v*ginal region. As we can see from her filming of Piranha 3DD, a move sure to be a (cough cough) box office sensation, her clam also seems to make its presence known. One assumes it's quite bright and bubbly. Any attractive girl showing camel toe in a bikini makes men full of cheer. Although on second thought, having to muff dive on a pair of large beef curtains isn't the most appealing thought.


Huge Fake Tits: Helping to detract attention from a busted face since…well…the advent of huge fake tits. 

Taylor Stevens
The New Jersey Devils faced a quick elimination from the Stanley Cup Final. After three straight losses, the Devils couldn't seem to figure out how to take down the Los Angeles Kings. Coach Frank Deboeur more than anyone else was looking far and wide for answers. While looking for those answers in Game 4, Debouer found what he was looking for. Or at least he found two teets that were able to momentarily distract him from the madness (pictured below). Those jugs belonged to adult film star, Taylor Stevens, and she was seated behind the Devils' bench. Canadian Stevens is naturally a big hockey fan, so the Devils should try to get her out to Jersey for Game 7, should the series go that far. Deboeur absorbed a lot of second hand wisdom from her eyes.


So there you have it, Bros. Who is this Week's Hottest Hottie? 

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