When Flavored Lube Goes Bad: One Laxtitute’s Very Cherry Sex Disaster

By 10.20.11

Now I am not one of these girls that thinks going down on boys is gross and won’t ever do it. I think it's fun and a good part of a satisfying sex life. So Kevin hands me a packet telling me it's fruit punch. So, whatever, I put it on and it tastes pretty good. It’s different.   

After that’s done, we start hooking up again. And I start to feel really… weird. My eyes start watering, my face gets itchy, and my throat starts really itching. I tell Kevin how I am feeling and he looks at me and says my lips have become seriously “DSL’s” and twice their normal size. I start freaking out.

Now's probably a good time to mention that I am extremely allergic to cherry flavoring. I can handle a real cherry but cherry flavoring does not do well with my throat, eyes, or skin. I cannot handle cherry lollipops or cherry medicine. Even cherry lip balm swells my lips. I always keep Benadryl on me and there is usually an epi-pen in my car. I check the packet that Kevin swore he thought was fruit punch. Yeah, it was cherry punch. No, I am not mad at Kevin because we don’t really talk about things like allergies and other personal things. However, when I'm having sex, I liked to be properly informed of I'm ingesting.

Back to the story. I start freaking out and obviously call my Mom. I clearly do not tell my Mom the real reason, I just say I had some cherry drink at a party and was starting to feel sick. She said it was probably too late for Benadryl and that I had to use my epi pen.

Two things, I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES, I am a f*cking grown adult and I still make my Mom come to the doctors with me because I pass out, even during x-rays. I am a serious baby. Second, I have never used my epi-pen, even though I know how to use it. I make Kevin run out to my car and get it. He brings it in and hands it to me. I realize that there is no f*cking way I am doing this to myself. I tell Kevin he either has to do it or my throat will legitimately closed. He stabs my thigh and I clearly pass out. 

I come to five minutes later. I can feel my body feeling a little more normal and take a Benadryl just to help me feel a little better. I am not one to stay at Kevin’s but there was no way I was driving home after this disastrous night. I slept there and we woke up and laughed about it in the morning. Needless to say, I will be issuing a medical history to all of my slam pieces just to make nothing like this ever happens again. And I advise you all ask your slam pieces to do the same — if not for STDs then at least for flavored lube-related allergies.

About The Laxtitutes: These pinney-wearing college babes impressed us with their love of Bros and hilarious stories about them. Their philosophy seems to be: “We're laxtitutes, we love Bros, we love hooking up with Bros, but, God, sometimes Bros can be Bros.” We think you guys might learn a thing or two from them, so we'll be posting some of their more provocative stories in the Buzz; for the full Laxtitute experience, head over to their blog.

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