Kate Upton Is a ‘Well-Marbled Cow,’ According to Sociopathic Website

by 6 years ago

It's about Kate Upton, and it's bad. Here's how it begins:

Did you know that humans are 80% genetically identical to cows? Well, allow me to prove it to you…

Guess who?! Yes, it’s the lovely Kate Upton, confidently lumbering up a runway like there’s a buffet at the end of it. Now, there’s nothing wrong with an average girl like Kate being confident. She’s pretty, she bangs down the runway like she owns it, and I totally commend her for her bravery.

And I still ask: what the heck? Has fashion become this? Well – we know it hasn’t, so let’s not pretend this is fashion. She looks thick, vulgar, almost pornographic – and she is a solid 30 lbs too heavy for this outfit.


The writer continues in this vein, the writing spewing out of a hunger-induced hallucination from a person who submits herself electric shocks when she accidently touches pizza. Here you go:

Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition – she looks like a squishy brick. Is this what American women are “striving” for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this country that Kate is the best we can aim for? Sorry, but: eww!


Sorrry, but damn, is this is a desperate attempt for page views. Skinny Gossip must need more ad money for her daily allotment of raisins! And tooth enamel restoration.

Wait, there's more:

The sudden surge in fame for Kate Upton makes me wonder how much further our plus-sized fixation is going to go. It’s not that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was ever high art, but thanks to Kate Upton securing this year’s cover, it’s now barely a notch above Playboy.

Fashion is supposed to be aspirational – and the kind of people who aspire to look like this shop for clothes at Wal-Mart.


Let me stop with the insults and take a look at the overall idea of the article here. The sad Skeletor who sat down at her keyboard is essentially fighting a losing battle, and she's aware of it. The days of bone-thin models dominating every magazine cover and billboard are quickly ending, because guys are tired of seeing women almost kill themselves for a few pictures. They're embracing curvy girls like Ms. Upton. It's a good switch both for the overall health of women and for the industry as a whole.

Articles like this represent a different time. That time is responsible for 24 million people in the U.S. currently having an eating disorder. Not to mention formerly beautiful women wasting away to nothing

Skinny Gossip closes with this, which is essentially her thesis—and a moment where her jealousy really shows:

Yes, yes, I know that every tobacco-chewing, beer-drinking, shotgun-toting, NASCAR-watching man south of the Mason-Dixon line would love to get into her pants (or, as they say down South, “into her tent”, which in her case is the same thing) – but most of those guys wouldn’t know a beautiful woman if she jumped out in front of his pickup truck.


Sure. Maybe a guy wouldn't know a beautiful woman if she jumped out in front of his pickup truck.

But he does know when to avoid the insane. Good luck getting laid in the future.

H/T: Bob's Blitz

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