An Open Letter to Teen Mom Sex Tape Star Farrah Abraham

by 4 years ago

So congrats, Farrah Abraham of “Teen Mom” infamy, for kind of making me not want to have sex for a while now (…the dude’s I’m hooking up with are all “whaaa?”). I don’t watch a ton of porn, but I’m pretty sure porn should turn you on, not make you grimace in awkward wonderment about how terrible sex can look and sound from the outside. And that’s exactly what Farrah Abraham managed to do.

Long story short, skinny girl with a big nose and small boobs got knocked up at some point in high school, MTV paid her money to “raise” the kid on TV for a season, she spent money on a pair of fake boobs that look more plastic than a Barbie Doll's. And then when her 15 minutes of fame were up, she was left with a three year old screaming child, wide set birthing hips at age 21, and a pair of fake boobs that look like they were filled with cement. I mean, I probably would have fled the country and maybe set myself on fire, but that’s me.

Obviously, the only logical step forward for a girl this smart was medical school. No, I’m totally kidding. It was a faux “leaked” sex tape that is really a relatively well-produced but still budget porno. Welcome to America, where you can study organic biology and become a doctor and save lives and make fifty grand a year, or you can be a human Fleshlight and make one point five million dollars letting a dude you don’t know fuck you in the ass while looking like a zombie from the cast of The Walking Dead. Great message for the future generations.

Abraham basically tried to make a sex tape then have it “leaked,” hoping to cash in on a Kardashian and Paris Hilton-esque payout. However, she seemed to not realize that fucking one of the most well known male porn stars in the industry – James Deen – kind of made it obvious that she made a porno and wanted to market it as a leaked tape. Because porn stars don't have “personal tapes”. They just have “reels.”

The whole marketing ploy then capitalized on the fact that she was just clearly lying about the whole thing. A million clicks later at four bucks a pop, Abraham has helped prove that at least a million people in America are still dumb enough to pay for bad porn. She was there saying she made this beautiful tape to celebrate her body – which has been ravaged by the sometimes terrifying aspects of pregnancy and birth – and somehow, SOMEWAY, some person got a hold of the video and was going to sell it at her expense. I dunno babe, maybe it was the camera guy. Or the lighting guy. Or the boom man. Or the Kraft Cart supervisor. Or one of the countless other people that were possibly in the room helping you film a porno.

This whole bullshit, “I’m not a porn star I’m an innocent feminist who celebrated her body and is getting taken advantage of” backstory of fuckery got blown to pieces when her co-star – the well known porn star – told the gossip rags that the girl basically signed him up for this situation, knew exactly what it was, and then hoped to pitch it as a leaked personal video and, in fact, tried to get him in on the scam. Dude was all “please, I’m not ashamed of being a porn star and I refuse to let anyone think I fucked you for free.” Being the ever mature, classy dame Farrah is, her reaction to being called a skank with a shitty business plan was to make fun of Deen’s penis. She called him small, but I guess when you’ve had an infant’s head come out of your vagina, your perception of dick size changes. Honestly, the only reason I would make fun of James Deen’s penis is because it has been in every orifice of this girl. And here’s a fun fact: It only got hard in two.

I happened to watch a clip of the tape on Gawker. I'd like to preface by saying if I looked like that while I had sex, I would become celibate because unless you're sleeping with a dude who is into necrophilia/AMC’s The Walking Dead, no one's eyes should look that dead during sex. Second: I don't knock her for the porn. Loads of girls do porn and make a living that way and are okay with it and hey, that's cool, if you're paying your bills and taxes, legally, then what you do to do it is your business. I don’t know one dude who doesn’t watch porn and someone has to help the husbands out when the wives have a headache and stopped giving blowjobs three years ago after they get the engagement ring. But she is trying to play both sides by saying “it's not a porno, I was taken advantage of!” while clearly, she made a porno for money. This whole “oh it was for me” thing is bullshit. You don't hire one of the most well known porn actors to have a “just for me” video. Nor do you shop it around hoping no one will find out and then when they do be like OH NO IT WAS LEAKED, MY COSTAR WHO SIGNED A RELEASE FORM AND KNOWS THE WHOLE PLAN IS LYING, WHAT DOES HE KNOW HE HAS A SMALL PENIS AND I ONLY KNOW THAT BECAUSE I PAID HIM TO HAVE SEX WITH ME ON CAMERA. I RILLY, RILLY, RILLY LOVE MY DAUGHTER.

Ironically, she tweeted yesterday: “Funny how the one time I have sex in a year, this happens.” Yeah, funny how the many, many, many more than one times I’ve had sex this year, it hasn’t been with a porn star getting paid to fuck me. Nor has there been a camera in the room. Why? Because unlike her, I wasn’t making a porno. Funny how the one time you make a porno with a professional porn star and film it and then shop it around and sell it to Vivid, it becomes a porno. How does crazy shit like that happen? It’s like magic! Where’s Harry Potter? It’s like the immaculate conception of pornos. It just became!

Basically, she is refusing to be labeled for what she is. If she wants to make money doing porn and letting people pay to watch a guy she doesn't know bang her in the ass, then own it. Own it, own your decisions and your financial movements and your choices. I stand by my decision to write about sex every damn day, whether people call me a slut or a skank or whatever. I don’t pretend to be anything other than what I am, which is a girl who likes sex and has no problem talking about it. Straddling this line of innocent girl who NEVER has sex and wants to write a cookbook and celebrate her body by recording a well-lit “amateur” sex vid with a professional porn star, with chick who gave one of the most uninspired blowjobs I have ever borne witness to in my life while looking directly into the lens of a camera before letting this guy have sex with her, ain’t working. This is not feminism. Trying to pitch a professional porno as an amateur leaked personal homage to your sexual vitality, isn’t feminism. It’s bad business marketing skills and a lack of non-disclosure agreement-loving lawyers on your side. I love my body. I have loads of naked pictures of me that I send to guys and have on my phone. But it’s not because I’m a feminist, or because I want to celebrate how great my body looks or stare at my own ass and abs while I’m bored at work. It’s because I like having sex and freely admit that those pictures will hopefully lead to sex. But stop with this poor innocent “feminism now, I love my body and all I wanted to do was make a video where I could watch it getting banged and ripped open all day long because I love myself!” bullshit. I'd actually have way more respect for her if she said “look, I have a daughter, I'm a single mom, there was an interest there because of Teen Mom, and I'm cool with sex. I made a porn that I thought would have selling value and now I have money to help give my daughter and me a better life”.

But I doubt that's the intention and I'm sure within three years we will see an article on Radar about how she is declaring bankruptcy and she pissed away the money she got from Vivid on stupidity like trips to Vegas, more shitty plastic surgery, cars, jewelry, bad hair extensions and some kind of failed beauty product line. This isn’t a chick who swallowed her pride and did what she had to do to make money to raise her daughter. This is a chick who wants people to say “wow look at how hot she is and how great her body is” and did anything she could in order to stay on the first page of Radar. And it’s pretty fucking sad. This is a woman who brought her Dad and daughter to a meeting at Vivid. Even though she is now a millionaire, I worry about the child has no hope of ever having a healthy life. There is a big tradeoff for making a fast million by allowing the whole world to see your butthole for four dollars and bringing your child to the waiting room of a building that helps produce some of the dirtiest pornos in the world. Wasn't there like, an SVU episode about this that starred Mark Paul Gossler? Where is Ice-T when you need him?

Dudes, from one girl who likes sex to every man who likes sex, don’t waste the four bucks on the video. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m turned off by liars, or by women who sound like horses when they have sex, or flaccid blowjobs, or the knowledge that a baby came out of that vagina. But to me, ironically, “Teen Moms” and “backdoor pornos” just don’t go together in my world.

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