7 items that will cause a man to never leave his home
Guys like things. We often work very hard to acquire these things. Guys shop with purpose. We go shopping for items that make our living space more comfortable and more importantly, we are shopping for things that will make other guys envious. However, sometimes we have a tendency to buy items that make it more difficult for us to leave or places of residence. For men, it’s not shoes, stylish dresses and new purses we are shopping for. We need “man” stuff. Things like popular electronic devices, a new driver, or a sex robot. Wait, a sex robot?
The items below are things a man might buy for himself at some point during his lifetime. Unfortunately, these items all tend to have a tendency to make guys want to sequester ourselves in our apartment for weeks at a time. We may never leave our house. Our women will pout and will eventually tire of the act and try to drag us out into the sunlight and public eye, but we don’t want to leave. It’s just entirely too awesome in here. These items make it so.
Photo credit: jeffisageek, Flickr
7 A Grill
Men like grilling. It’s just something in our blood. Have you ever seen just one guy by himself in a Home Depot looking at grills? No. There is usually a group of guys all looking at grills; usually arguing about stainless steel options and thermal units they have no real understanding of. It’s a big purchase for most guys (when buying a grill we always buy way more than we need), so we need to factor in out friends’ opinions. And when we get it home and assembled, it’s time to grill. And grill we shall. For every meal for the next month. “Honey, we don’t need to go grab something to eat. We can grill.” “Honey, why don’t you just invite everyone over here and we’ll have a few drinks and grill.” The urge to grill eventually subsides, but women will always be haunted by the statement “That’s why we bought the grill!”
6 A Massive HDTV
Another one of those purchases that takes more than one male arguing about horizontal scan lines and Blu-ray capability at a Best Buy. All guys can agree that watching sports on these televisions is almost better than being at the actual game. Hell, with a comfortable couch, a couple of buddies and beer that cost less than $11 a piece, it’s usually more enjoyable. The grass on the field becomes greener. The video games become more realistic. And the likelihood of a man leaving his television when a major sporting event is taking place becomes that much more unlikely. And have you seen the number of football games on ESPN in December? Just pencil me out of Christmas shopping this year because between the Meineke Car Care Bowl and the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, I’m just not going to have time for anything till February.
5 A Playstation 3/Xbox 360 with internet connection
Hey, remember all those guys from college I used to stay up all night drinking and playing video games with? I can start having all that fun again with this Xbox and this headset! Isn’t that awesome? Well, it would be if most guys could pull themselves away from an epic Halo battle, or the gritty realism of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. “Sweetheart, I just really can’t go to your sister’s art opening because I’m at WAR, right now!” “I can’t go to bed because I’m kicking Klaus from Hamburg’s ass right now. It’s the Germans, baby! If we would have rolled over and gone to sleep the last time the Germans invaded — we’d all be “die Deutsch sprechen,” right now. And I will not sleep, bathe, eat, go to work, socialize or leave this couch until I know our borders are safely secure on this Playstation 3!” I don’t have one because of this reason, but I have to admit the games are pretty sick. And when they get “too sick,” this happens.
4 Internet Porn
Have you seen the amount of porn on the Internet? Go check, I have some time. Isn’t that insane? You can’t type any word without a porn site popping up in your search queue. Type “Teacher” — porn pops up. “The Brady Bunch” — porn pops up. “White Christmas” — I don‘t really want to think about how they‘ve twisted that one around, but I’m sure that lots of crazy stuff. My point is that it is awesome! All men think about is sex and then someone created something that actually thinks about sex ten times more than we do and then made it free to watch. Like a man’s love for nude and semi-nude women, Internet porn is the real never-ending story. And have you gotten the emails, tweets, and pop-ups about Web cam sites? Strippers don’t even have to leave the house anymore! It’s truly an amazing time we live in. But, some guys will never leave the comfort of the warm glow of their personal computer because of the mesmerizing power of a woman’s bare breast. Probably closer to thousands of bare breasts. Oh, and that clown on the unicycle…
3 A Massage Chair
Beautiful. Comfortable. Built in seat warmer… it’s like sitting on a cloud full of tiny masseuses. After a hard day at the office or at the dog track, it’s always nice to come home to a piece of furniture that can melt you to its leather and kneading the stress out of your lower back. Massage chair, beer and ESPN; the most comfortable and relaxing way to unwind after work. Three beers later and we aren’t leaving the apartment tonight unless there is a fire or the Victoria’s Secret bus breaks down in front of our house. And even then a guy would probably think, “If I get out of this chair, I’ll get meet Marissa Miller. If I stay in the chair, I’m comfortable and definitely won’t have to change a tire… ah, screw ’em. I think they’re all married anyway.”
2 A sex robot
Sex Robot. What is that some sort of band or something? It’s a what?
First of all, that face is terrifying. I’m sure millions of dollars went into the development of the production of Roxxy and that was the best face and voice you could give her? I’m pretty sure that having sex with that would give me unrelenting nightmares and months of therapy, but I’m sure there are many men lining up to get their hands *ahem* among other things on one of the most carnal of technological feats. In 100 years we went from traveling across the Oregon Trail by horse and carriage to sex robot. It’s both wildly astounding and somewhat depressing. But you can rest assured that if these robots become will probably become way less creepy looking/somewhat socially acceptable at some point in the future. And when that day when robotic Megan Fox comes out… a large population of the male population will simply disappear.
1 The combination of all of the above into one awesome “Mancave”
And there a are the select few that have compiled all of the items above into a giant “Mancave.” Bears, like men, will hibernate in their caves during the winter — because that’s when all the good sports are on. Everyone knows that. There are probably guys reading this while sequestered deep in their cave like Batman on Labor Day. Guyism salutes you guys for building your own perfect “manspace.” And we don’t expect you to leave it any time soon. If the outside world needs you they will come and get you. So, turn on your massage chair and have Roxxy pour you a stiff drink. Just sit here and relax while perusing Guyism’s backlog of humorous articles and pictures for the rest of the day. You’ve earned it, Champ.