Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus — personally, I think that’s a load of bullsh-t. Other than our external organs, there’s not a “battle of the sexes.” There are, however, some general misunderstandings. I had a deep discussion with my Panel o’ Females, and we’ve come up with an overarching list based on our observations of boyfriends and male friends. Please, enlighten us: Why do some men do these things?
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Recognize this is last on the list for a reason. Tits are kind of rad. But why? They’re pillows of fatty tissue. How glamorous-sounding. We’ve been told the whole, “Guys love ‘em because they don’t have ‘em,” myth. Sorry, though, most women don’t sit around Googling pictures of dudes’ balls when they settle down at night. Should we consult the teachings of Freud for an explanation on this one? Or shall we just continue to make you jealous by admitting we feel ourselves up (constantly) when we’re alone?
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These two words make no sense together. Are you indulging in a fantasy? Are you playing football? From how wasted you got and the sheer amount of chicken-wing stains you had on your face and t-shirt after your last fantasy football get together, we will venture to say no. Like Harry Potter and Twilight, I’m uncertain as to why people obsess with things that don’t exist, such as your football dream-team.
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“Fish.” “Res” (as in resin). “Russia.” Every frat house seems to be jam-packed with men calling each other inside-joke names. Although it’s really cute that you have nicknames for all your pals, we don’t see why you have a problem with “Mike” and “Ryan.”
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The Panel o’ Women agrees that we’ve all gotten vicariously offended when sitting in a room full of guys and one becomes a sudden target for mockery. We know, we know: Women are known to bottle up their distaste for someone and express their wrath in passive-aggressive ways, whereas guys tend to be outwardly confrontational. A whole group targeting one member for at least fifteen minutes, though? Is it some form of initiation? Male bonding? Or does one comment spark cruel confessions about why, in fact, this guy is annoying and needs to shut up around attractive waitresses?
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The world will forever be split over opinions of the hotness of a hipster ’stache. Women are divided into “Oh, sexy” or “Ew, creepy” categories on the subject. But whether men dig the look or not, they still seem obsessed with the prospect of interestingly groomed growth. While attending a party with one of my mustache-donning friends he was treated as an idol. Men seemed to melt in the presence of his handle bar. Most women, hopefully, will never know what it’s like to have facial hair. Please explain why you think it’s god-like.
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Holy shit, a tampon. Don’t have a panic attack. Nearly every member of the female species goes through their menstrual cycle. Not because we’re gross and evil, but because we’re not, um, pregnant. Or super old. Just like guys’ minute-man episodes or those wandering eyes, it’s nature, man. Get over it already and embrace the fertility (and non-knocked up status if that’s what you’re into) of the girls you drool over.
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With a success rate of approximately zero percent, why, why, why do men cat call? You know it’s the epitome of macho-man rude; it’s annoying and obnoxious and will never be returned with, “You think I’m hot and you want me to sit on your lap? Okay, let’s exchange numbers!” Similar to all the items on this list, we know not every man partakes in this particular activity. So what do you do when a fellow bro barks in front of you? Do us a favor, and simply give him the same perplexed look we make when we’re hollered at in the streets. Then consider confronting him about his possible masculine inferiority complex.
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(Originally published on October 15, 2010.)