7 things not to say in bed

By 11.02.10  •  17 Comments
Things to Not Say in Bed

iamtheo, Flickr

We understand things have a tendency to slip out of your mouth while in the throes of passion. And by these things we mean words. (Get your mind our of the gutter. Wait, get it back in the gutter.) Avoid these slippery sayings while having a blast in bed…

Photo credit: iamtheo, Flickr

7 An Ex’s Name
The most obvious no-no of words to accidentally murmur. Have fun pretending you said something else. Unless it’s Mary (“Er… Marry me?” which will present a whole other range of problems), we suggest you go with straight-up denial. “What? I didn’t say anything.” Scrunched eyebrows and a look of sickness will be a thing of the past if you casually proceed forward like nothing happened. Just don’t do it again.

6 References to Family
Don’t talk about relatives in any capacity while you’re f–king. Was that blunt enough? But a more complicated issue: Titles of dominance. We get that some people are into the “Momma” and “Daddy” talk, but let’s gauge the height of getting turned on (or really, really disturbed) prior to our sack session, okay? We really don’t feel like throwing up in our mouths and considering the cost of hiring a therapist tonight.

5 Medical-Related Items
I don’t want to get all mom on you — but yes, maybe you should consider having that STI (it’s sexually transmitted infection, not disease — get with the times, kid) talk before you bump uglies. The key word of that sentence being before (though I know you’re stuck on the phrase “bump uglies”). Any overwhelming need to bring up rashes, warts, or a condition that would otherwise require a visit to the doctor’s office in bed should be overridden with a moral imperative to back away slowly.

4 “Gross”
It seems like the majority of lists of what not to do in bed includes laughing. Who in their right mind doesn’t enjoy the serotonin-releasing activity that is laughter? As long as it is jovial and not cruel, giggle away, friend. Just don’t follow up such snickers with this adjective. Provided you’re not a total virgin (in which case, no judgment!), you should already know sex can be unsexy: bodily fluids, ingrown hairs (refer back to #5), and noises that resemble farting sounds are completely common. Weigh the pros and the cons of the situation. Pros outweighing? Shut your f–king mouth, and carry on.

3 Anything with a Fake Accent
We can’t even begin to explain how overjoyed we are that a majority of women we know do not have personal experience with this one. But we have to put it out there: Unless you’re role-playing (again, something you’re going to want to talk about before you get down) use your normal, grunting man voice. We know you took six years of French, and French is the hottest f–king language in the world, but let’s refrain from attempting to speak it. Not British? Don’t tell us we’re, “bloody sexy.” AND NO BABY TALK.

2 Schlong
Oh, God. Schlong. Really? We can’t even think of how to respond to that, besides to pretend like you didn’t just say it, suddenly act tired, and make a mental note to never, ever, sleep with you. We’ll also be sure to tell all of our girlfriends and giggle (kind of cruelly) about it. And it will totally make one person spurt out their beverage upon telling said story. So for that entertaining tale thank you, I guess.

1 “So, you into bukkake?”
I suppose the overarching theme in this list has to do with proper sex communication etiquette. This doozy summarizes our point: If you’re into sh-t other than bunny-rabbit quiet foreplay and vaginal penetration, propose your grand ideas before the actual act. Or shut your mouth, have that bunny-rabbit sex (maybe with a little bit of dirty talk), and then present a list of thoughts for next time. Other than silicone-busted chicks in porn, most women aren’t going to be as enthused at the surprise element of facials, or “Oops, I slipped!” Talking about sex with someone you want to bang isn’t weird or bad or effeminate. It’s, uh, polite. And we think you’d be surprised at how receptive a lot of women can be. (Time to get your mind back out of the gutter, article’s ending.)

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