7 unwritten bathroom laws every man should know

by 6 years ago  •  63 Comments
Bathroom Laws

Overhead Flouressence, Flickr

Whether you’re dealing with a piss or a poop, going to the bathroom is a task that is best done comfortably from your private bathroom at home. Unfortunately, the daily need to venture out into the world often means making a pit stop at a public restroom. When in one of these bastions of bowel relief, do yourself and your fellow men a favor and adhere to these seven unwritten bathroom laws.

Photo credit: Overhead Flouressence, Flickr

7 No Talking

Let’s be clear: the men’s restroom is not a good place to make new friends. While the female sex may be more inclined to visit the bathroom in flocks, a trip to the men’s room should be considered a solitary adventure. In general, us guys like to avoid the awkwardness of making eye contact or otherwise acknowledging the existence of anyone else in the room. It doesn’t matter if you want to talk about the hot girls outside in the club or how much you secretly love the show Glee, now is not the time.

6 Eyes Forward

A wandering eye at a line of urinals is great way to get yourself punched in the face. Sure, there are plenty of innocent reasons to turn your ahead away from the task at hand (cell phone ring, check the time, etc.), but it doesn’t matter. Any guy who sees a stray eye pointed in his direction is automatically going to think you’re sizing him up. So do yourself (and neighbor) a favor and just count those bathroom tiles sitting right in front of your face to pass the time.

5 When Possible, No Urinal Neighbors

Speaking of neighbors, men should be spaced out as far as humanly possible among available urinals. As such, the only reason someone should be standing right next to me when I’m taking a piss is when there are no other open urinals available. If you’re the only dude in a line of urinals, and some guy comes and unzip right next to you, then I think it’s safe to say you’d feel a bit uncomfortable. Remember that golden rule? Well, apply it liberally when in a public restroom.

4 Courtesy Flush

Things get a bit messier in the restroom once we enter the bathroom stalls. While not ideal, a public squat session is necessary from time to time. And if it’s taking you some tome to work mid-afternoon burrito out of your system, then be kind to your fellow toilet straddlers and pop off a courtesy flush or two. Because while it may be true that you like the smell of your own farts, I can assure you that the same is not true for anyone else.

3 Check for Feet

It’s a fact: sometimes bathroom stall locks are broken. This opens yourself up to a potentially embarrassing possibility of walking in on some dude while he’s doing his business. To avoid this, do the smart thing and check for feet before entering a stall. If the classic foot-check isn’t possible, then open that door with hesitation to give the guy a quick moment to hastily inform you “SOMEONE’S IN HERE!”

2 Don’t Pee on the Toilet Paper

I really shouldn’t even have to bring this up, but alas, it seems the occasional guy finds this dick move incredibly hilarious. Simply put, don’t pee on the toilet paper. In fact, don’t pee on ANYTHING except that tiny pool of water located at the bottom of the toilet bowl. Yes, I know aim can be a little difficult from time to time, but it’s not all that hard to hit a target from point blank range. And If you do happen to get some piss on the toilet seat, well then wipe it off.

(Addendum: no pooping outside of the bowl either.)

1 Flush Your Deuce

I don’t care how proud you are of that brown baby boy you just birthed, it does not need to be preserved for the next guy to see. If you’re really proud of it, take a picture with your phone and show it to your bros, office pals and mom when you get home. Unfortunately, a stranger is less likely to be impressed. As such, flush that fetid mess down to the sewers so the next guy can come in and convince himself that he’s not getting sloppy seconds on this slutty gas station toilet.

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