8 decisions that should only be made while sober

by 6 years ago  •  5 Comments
Decisions made While Sober

Bistrosavage, Flickr

‘Tis the season to get wasted. It’s the time of parties and consequently, a ton of booze coming in a range of delicious traditional and festive forms. Guzzle up and avoid making these potentially catastrophic decisions while feeling warm and full of holiday beer, er, cheer.

Photo credit: Bistrosavage, Flickr

8 Signing Up for a Credit Card
Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.

7 A Tattoo (of Course)
The most obvious “Do it while you’re wasted, regret it forever,” slip-ups is getting inked. Not only does your drunkenness make you more vulnerable to seek out a skin kitchen when you have only “considered” purchasing body art before this point. The selection itself (four-leaf clover on your neck or “Exit Only” straddling the crack of your ass?) could also be detrimental. Even worse: the prospect of you mistaking a back alleyway for a tattoo shop and getting AIDs. We’ve heard horror stories.

6 Marriage
Speaking of which, we’re all familiar with the problematic booze-fueled Chapel visits — typically with a Las Vegas backdrop — followed by a late morning full of not-so-fun paperwork, confidence-draining embarrassment, and a horrible hangover. So let’s just move on to those other tiny, meaning-packed words.

5 Telling Someone You Love Them (Aw!)
Liquid courage may make admitting your undying love for someone tempting. Try and avoid saying, “I love you,” to whoever that special person may be for the first time when you’re shitfaced. Even if they dig you too, slurred speech isn’t that flattering. Your confession will be better received when she can understand what you’re saying.

4 Having a Threesome — with Your Girlfriend
Two random chicks? Go for it. Grab a rubber (or three) and have a blast. A blackout drunk ménage à trios may not be the best idea if it’s with your girl and another consenting soul, though. Expect heightened insecurities and petty fights for the following weeks. If you two talked about a three-way sounding like the best idea while stone-cold sober, and you know for a fact that she’s bi-whatever-they’re-calling-it-now or is turned on by the thought of two dicks near her person, you’re probably in the clear. Just discuss the fantasy and set some “ground rules” before you kill a bottle of tequila near a strip club together.

3 Sleeping with Your Coworker
Perhaps this actually seems like a brilliant idea and yes, you have in fact made the decision that if you are presented with the opportunity, you will surely sleep with said coworker. Don’t let a liver soaked with Jack Daniels fog your head. Run through the consequences one could face after jumping in the sack with a coworker: 1) Going to work may get more awkward/tense than it already is, 2) Going to work may now present itself with random acts of closeted, casual sex, or 3) Nothing, because you two have this sort of thing mastered. We can’t predict your future. Good luck…?

2 Purchasing a Boat
Buying any sort of large item while under the influence that would put the cash-stricken layman in debt is probably not a good idea. The chance to purchase a boat for a small down payment could test your willpower. Especially if it has a the shrimp-collecting capabilities like Bubba and Forrest’s boat in Forrest Gump and an area for people to dance like on P. Diddy’s boat (name that reference!). Resist the urge to splurge and save some time figuring out how to, hypothetically, return a boat.

1 You’ll be the Designated Driver
And that’s our PSA for the day. Our good deed, if you will. Because we really need some good karma to make up for all of the horrible decisions we made after finishing a liter of vodka this past weekend.

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