7 awesome dishes for the American meat lover

by 6 years ago
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Eli Hodapp, Flickr

Meat is a wonderful part of a life. Sure, no one likes the idea of hurting animals, but that's a whole other thing and today, our only goal is to meet with meat. Let's prepare our meat lover minds and bodies for the spirit-cleansing, soul-healing goodness of savory, gluttonous, meaty delights.

Photo credit: Eli Hodapp, Flickr

I know this is fast food, but it has to be in this list. Not only for the fact that it's a shitload of beef n' bacon, but also that it literally has nothing else but condiments. That's right; no lettuce, tomato, onion or pickles to mess up that mouthwatering meat-medley. It's all meat, all the time and when you bite into it you taste the bun, the beef, the bacon, a little mayo, a little ketchup, and one last thing: LOVE.

Rochester, New York is the birthplace of this fabulous delight and as you may have guessed, meat is the centerpiece to this robust artery-clogger. You choose from a selection of protein (either sausage, burger meat, chicken tenders, fried ham etc.), two sides (like beans, fries or macaroni salad) and then top that bad boy with optional onions (which are far tastier than mandatory onions) and condiments (like mustard, ketchup, hot sauce or beef sauce). It's served with bread to sop up all the excess joy. Eventually, your ass will forgive you, but it will take time.

In Avon, Ohio, this joint's award winning Bubba-Q makes it a prime place to enjoy an impregnate-you-face-with-meat sampler of woolly mammoth proportions. For $15 you get lean and smoked, thinly-slices brisket, plump, sauce-covered ribs, a mini-mountain of pulled pork, french fries and beef chili. Have at it, you animal.

Nothing invades your mouth with deliciousness quite like a mouthful of steak. Here, the porterhouse is aged and then broiled to perfection, using its own flavorings and juices to reach incredible flavor and tenderness. At Peter Luger's steakhouse, you won't need salt, pepper or butter for your steak. Instead, your waiter positions the huge plate of sizzling beef at an angle so all the dripping are available in a delicious beefy pool below. Make no mistake, this is liquid heaven and besides Luger's excellent horseradish-tinged BBQ sauce, this aged, liquified beef-fat is the only condiment you'll need while dining there.

Breathe deeply, because your heart will need lots of oxygen to keep you alive throughout this ordeal. If you like ruining your body, while indulging your mind, then these are the sandwiches for you. The grease trucks all park in lots around the Rutgers University college town of New Brunswick, New Jersey and serve "Fat Sandwiches" with names like "Fat Blunt" and "Fat Soprano." Here's an example: cheese steak, egg, pork roll, french fries, lettuce, tomato ketchup. And another: chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, french fries, bacon, ketchup, honey mustard. And yes, the french fries are stuffed right into the sandwich. Let the early onset of heart disease begin!

This is actually another New Jersey establishment, despite its name. The sandwich comes to the table and it's enough to feed a family of 4. "Oh, you poor, stupid bastard", the sandwich seems to say,"Do you want to die tonight?" You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you? Actually, each sandwich is meant to be shared by a few. You use the meat in the middle (corned beef, pastrami, turkey etc.) to make your own normal-sized sandwiches from Harold's bread bar (which also has pickles, cole slaw, pickled peppers and tomatoes). Bring an army to divide and conquer.

I have a proposal: how about a tur-kanga-deer-baca-ham-sage-ducken? Until we see a cooked-to-perfection cross-section of those five animal stuffed into each other , we'll have to settle for the regular old turducken which goes ONLY three delicious animals deep. Something about this seems sinister, like a farm animal version of The Human Centipede. But you can forget all about that upon your first bite when you taste all three meats together and truly believe you are eating something that doesn't even exist. In other words, it tastes like what you might imagine unicorn meat to taste like...magical.

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TAGSArbitrary RankingsfeaturedGarbage PlateListsmeat loversPeter LugerPorterhouse SteakTurducken

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