Douchebags can ruin anything, especially when it comes to pop culture. Nowhere is this truer than with television shows. Sometimes, the TV show itself is a breeding ground of douchiness and sometimes the poor show becomes hijacked by douchebag fans and is ruined for everyone else. Now not everyone who likes these shows is a douchebag – I mean let’s not blame the innocent here for the douchebaggery of others – but if you are a douchebag then you probably like these shows. Got it? Good. With all that said, let’s get to it. Here are nine of the douchiest TV shows.
9 ‘Two and a Half Men’
Perhaps the most irredeemably stupid show on TV, Two and a Half Men is nonetheless a ratings monster, which probably explains why the douchebag is quickly replacing the bald eagle as our nation’s mascot. The show itself is sleazy as hell, which isn’t horrible in itself, but it’s done in a really creepy date-rapey sort of way that makes you think that all of the characters should probably submit semen samples to the cops just to be on the safe side. Aside from that, everyone on the show is exceptionally dumb and the jokes are so corny and played out that as soon as someone says “Oh, I just love that show” it’s probably a safe bet that they are enormous douchebags. Also, both Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher have been involved with this show so… yeah.
8 ‘Family Guy’
Look, I like Family Guy. I do. Sometimes, anyway. What I can’t stand are its legion of acolytes who go around pretending like it is the funniest thing in the history of mankind. The show thinks it’s smarter than it is which is appropriate because, well, a lot of its fans think they’re smarter than they are too. Seriously, we all have that really obnoxious Facebook friend who does nothing but post Family Guy quotes and talk about all the pornstars he wants to bang. That dude is the typical Family Guy fan. Half the time he doesn’t even understand that the show is making fun of people like him. He tries to imitate both Peter and Stewie and has probably masturbated to both Lois and Meg which he’ll tell you is okay since Meg is voiced by Mila Kunis and that somehow makes it cool. Also, he won’t stop asking you if you’ve seen Ted. Seth McFarlane, look what you’ve done.
7 ‘Grey’s Anatomy’
Aka the preferred show of the Lady Douchebag. Grey’s Anatomy came along and filled the void left in the Lady Douchebag’s TV watching by the departure of the grandmother of all Lady Douchebag shows, Sex and the City. Like that horrible show, Grey’s Anatomy clings to wretched clichés about both men and women and the relationships between them, like some despicable Cosmo article come to life. I mean, come on, the fans of this show wholeheartedly embraced characters nicknamed Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy. I rest my case.
6 ‘Chappelle’s Show’
This is one of those cases where the show itself wasn’t douchie but it became so popular that the douchebags hijacked it and ruined it. I know it hasn’t been on the air in a long time but good god, time can’t even begin to heal the wounds left by the douchebag apocalypse which followed this show. They were like ravenous zombies, staggering around chanting “I’m Rick James, bitch” and causing such a scene that they literally drove Dave Chappelle crazy and caused him to quit show business and flee to Africa. Just read that last part again. Now that’s some Grade A douchebaggery.
Photo credit: YouTube/Comedy Central
5 ‘Glee’
Glee might be the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It is like a collection of every obnoxious meme all rolled into one terrible package. It’s smug, soulless and every single character deserves to be fed into a woodchipper. What takes it into true douchebag territory though is the way that its fans, led by creator Ryan Murphy, constantly pat themselves on the back and act like this autotuned abomination is actually doing something good for society. It latches onto every mindless anti-bullying and Important Statement of the Day and then turns around and bullies anyone who dares to do anything less than love it with all their heart. It’s basically the televised version of the worst parts of Twitter and Facebook, just a mob of douchebags who are completely and nauseatingly in love with themselves.
4 ‘The O’Reilly Factor’
Okay, technically fans of The O’Reilly Factor are just assholes, but an asshole is basically just a douchebag who got old. And that’s basically the entire demographic of this show: mean old assholes. Bill O’Reilly himself sets the tone with his loud, obnoxious old man version of douchebaggery and his fanbase just eats that shit up. The only thing worse than a douchebag is a douchebag who is convinced that he’s right about everything, and that’s exactly the sort of horrible idiot this show most appeals to.
Photo credit: YouTube/Fox News
3 ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’
It’s one thing to watch this show ironically or because you can’t turn away because the people involved are so awful that you want to see how they manage to pervert humanity next, but if you watch this show and come away thinking that it’s a good idea to emulate the Kardashians in any way then you make a pretty good argument for forced sterilization. And yet, there are millions – literally millions – of douchebags out there who actually look up to these turds. They take picture after picture of themselves making that idiot duckface, they spend 75% of their life tanning and every time they say something it sounds like they’re asking a question. You know the type. We all know the type. And that type just loves them some Kardashians.
2 ‘Entourage’
Yes, I know Entourage isn’t on the air anymore, but it is loaded with so much douchebaggery that it simply cannot be contained by quaint notions like time. Here is a typical synopsis for an episode of Entourage: “E gets into a fight with Yankees slugger Mark Teixeira after he thinks Tex hit on Sloan and calls him a “cawksucker” in that horrible little man accent of his, Turtle is forced to flee from an enraged father after he gets caught jerking off in his daughter’s shoes, and Ari’s date-rape case gets thrown out of court when Drama comes forward with video evidence from one of his hidden sex-cameras. Elsewhere, Vince gets high and bones another supermodel.” Basically, every single character was a complete sociopath but hey, I guess douchebags need heroes too. Also, for the record, I watched every single episode. I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.
1 Everything on MTV
To be honest, I could have written this using nothing but MTV shows and I still would have had to leave some of their douchiest shows off the list. Obviously you’ve got Jersey Shore, which was like the douchebag Bible when it was on the air. But you’ve also got countless shows about teenage moms banging rednecks who like to go muddin’ and play pranks on their friends and stick firecrackers up their ass. I’m surprised MTV just hasn’t said the hell with it and hired Dane Cook to be its new programming director. Then again, maybe they did. It would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? Like the Kardashians, it’s fine to watch this shit with a healthy perspective (and that perspective is that these people are all irredeemable freaks and assholes), but the moment you start identifying with them and posting pictures of yourself impersonating the Situation or Snooki it’s time to accept that you, my friend, are officially a douchebag. Congrats?
(Previously published on April 18, 2013.)